I would just have a talk with her to let her know that you no would like to change the "dog rule" so to speak and not have the dog inside on visits but it would be fine to have the dog in the yard or on the deck. It's better to break the habit now. You can let her know that your cat gets very stressed during and after the dog's visit and it just isn't something you want to repeat.

I absolutely agree that regardless of what you have allowed or preferred in the past, it is YOUR HOME and thus, YOUR RULES apply - even if you change your mind. I do not believe that any person or pet should have to suffer because of a visiting animal brought into their home.

Oh Sally reading that your kitty is older and recovering from illness makes me feel even MORE that you need to be firm with this family member about not allowing the dog inside, regardless of how afraid of cats it is. All it's doing is stressing the cat out and could actually hinder its recovery or make it worse.

(I have a big soft spot for older kitties. Mine is 16+, just starting to get into that older cat "health issues" stage. And if I were to get another cat in the future I would absolutely adopt an older cat.)

Your house, your rules. Period. And I'm as big a dog lover as there is. I agree with others that your friend should be informed ahead of time regarding the yard/deck option so they can choose to leave the pooch at home if they prefer.

Your house, your rules. I never bring my dogs to someone else's home unless they are invited, and when they are invited, they must abide by the rules of that house. If I think there will be any issues at all - either with another animal or a person - I don't bring them.

We are a three cat household and we accept visiting dogs. I do understand that not everyone would want this and absolutely believe that visitors have to abide by house rules.

Joining the chorus here. I'm actually appalled at the thought of someone overstepping boundaries and simple courtesy in this way, although as you mentioned, it happens with children sometimes too and we do not get to tell people to leave their kids outside. However, I have and do put limits on what the children do in the house and what parts of the house they are welcome in (like Brooklyn we have a rule about where you can eat in the house) and I will tell children to take their muddy shoes off, etc. and not to tease or bother the cat.

I've had a houseful of children for the past month and one of them had trouble understanding that he should not pull the cat's tail. The cat was incredibly patient and tolerant with him but finally turned around and let him know whose house it was. Fortunately there was no skin broken.

Thank you all! Interesting to see the different approaches people take to visiting pets and gives me reassurance I am being reasonable.

My plan is to mention this next time I invite my friend over giving her three options - her dog staying on his bed in our house, or hanging out on our deck, or staying home. It is unfair on our cat to stress her out, and it is cheeky to try and push my boundaries when I tried to instigate them.

"This includes hikes where dogs are not allowed but that is not my query today."
..but I think it's relevant because you did include it and it's illuminating.
I am deeply attached to my dog so I empathize with your relative's love for the dog and desire to have him present at all times. Even so, I would never bring my dog where he's not welcome, for the safety of all.
I think your visitor is rationalizing their overbearing behavior because they think their dog doesn't instigate problems by his behavior. Unfortunately, the presence of an unwelcome dog is a threat in itself.
I wouldn't get caught up trying to defend in detail your own policies in your own home. If anyone challenges you, just say that after a lot of thought, this is what you've decided works best all around.

Thanks Isabel, I feel assured that I am being fair and reasonable - it is nice to get the view of dog owners:)