Personality and making life changes - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Personality and making life changes

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Has anyone read Gretchen Rubin's book Better Than Before? It's about how to change your habits, and she proposes that everyone falls into one of four types: obligers, questioners, rebels or upholders. (There's a description of the types here and you can take a quiz that places you here.) I'm an obliger with a touch of questioner.

Whether or not you buy her particular categories, I think we've all seen different people respond differently to challenges and difficulties. Some people bloom in a crisis but can't make themselves do much when things are calm; some people need to keep control no matter what; etc.

I bring this up because I'm currently participating in the Whole Life Challenge, which is an 8 week group online where you aim to eliminate junk food from your diet and exercise and meditate more. I like the small group support and the accountability.

But one of the recent blog posts adjacent to the challenge recently was by someone who proposed the idea of imagining that you did everything exactly as you planned for the next year - food, exercise, eliminating bad habits, adding good habits, etc. Several people seemed to find this inspirational. Me, it just filled me with anxiety. I'm self-aware enough that I know I can't do everything 'perfectly' (whatever that means) for a year, no way, not happening. And it's not because I don't believe in myself or whatever. It's because I know that stuff happens, and I've spent too many years doing things I hated and ignoring my own body and wishes and I just don't want to do that anymore.

It seems like with weight loss and exercise especially, the typical mode is this all-or-nothing "you can conquer" stuff which apparently appeals to a lot of people, or they wouldn't keep doing it. But it just turns me off, because it seems like it's intentionally - maybe not dishonest, but certainly conveniently facile - and ignores a lot of actual reality.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at with this rambling screed, but I'd be interested to hear from anyone who still exercises but doesn't go in for the "rah rah" change your life stuff. Or how your personality affects how you approach eating better and getting exercise, or anything else you want to add or subtract to your life.

Off Topic

22 replies

Latest reply was from DonnaF

Anonymous

I took the quiz and came up a full-on "Questioner". I have exercised and worked out my entire adult life. Some years have been a little less productive - job changes, pregnancy, injury, etc- and others have been very intense and effective. Some part of me is attracted to the dramatic "rah rah change your life' approach, but those have never worked for me. And not just with dieting and exercise - it's never worked for anything. I don't dive in and give everything my all and undivided attention with the intent to achieve a maximum result. I am curious about those who do . I do things the way I want to based on what I have read and learned, and like to have control over the plan. Accountability isn't really meaningful to me because it just ratchets up my anxiety level thinking that someone else is monitoring what I'm doing. Instead of being motivational, I find it has the opposite effect.

The Whole Life Challenge is interesting - are you finding it "working " for you in terms of being motivated and encouraged by it?

Alassë

Veteran

Yes, I read the book. It was interesting, though I didn't change much (re-evaluated habits to form a slightly more enjoyable daily/weekly routine). I'm an Upholder, so this may not be very helpful....

I do best when exercising with someone else (Obliger reinforcement) and when I get a string of good habit days that I don't want to break (Upholder). For eating well, I switch between obeying personal rules and giving myself (reasonable) breaks for eating outside the home, very busy day, etc. I have to have a good reason (to me) to add something to my life, not just "other people say I ought to __" (Questioner).

Anonymous

I took the quiz and am supposedly a Questioner. I suppose that's true, as my parents told me to question everything, and that's what I do. No surprise there. For the most part, I'm a rule follower, but I question the rules when they don't make sense to me.

Anonymous

Interesting. I came out as a Rebel on the quiz. I'll have to see how I'm supposed to handle challenges and difficulties, although I feel like I'm doing okay on that (except for being unable to resist french fries). I think the whole rebel thing resulted from a strict Catholic-school upbringing. One day I just reared up on my hind legs and said "Enough!" A rebel was born that day and is still rebelling today. I really can't do anything that doesn't make sense to me. That used to get me in trouble from time to time at work, but somehow it never really held me back.

rachylou

Veteran

Well, I messed up the test. Haha! So typical. I didn't really recognize any of the questions/statements in any case. Anyways, I don't really respond well to people cheering me on (you can do it!); I prefer confirmation that I AM doing it. I don't make commitments in the sense of future promises. When I vow 'I will', I mean I've already started and there's no going back. I also don't work with incentives much. Like a cupcake for every five miles... Which is what imagining a future where everything went as planned seems like to me. And further, an imaginary future is no reward to me. Doesn't give me any feelings at all, in fact, because I do believe life is what happens while you're busy planning it.

But I do LOVE HSN because everyone is so ra-ra. 'Like isn't this dust-collecting food dehydrator incredible?!' 'Ohmigosh, yes! Having it in my attic is phenomenal!' Just fills me with good spirits and energy! Lol!

Style Fan

Veteran

I haven't read the book and I didn't do the quiz. I have worked out my entire adult life and actually I worked out when I was an adolescent. I can only do physical fitness that I enjoy. I enjoy the physical exercise and I also enjoy the way I feel during and after. I could not imagine doing it otherwise. I have found physically fitness that is part of a group works best for me now because there is a social element. When I was working I liked to run completely alone because I worked with people and I needed time to decompress. Now I like to walk my dog by myself. It gives me time to sort out what is going on in my life.

I do not do well in Ra Ra environments. I hate competitions in physical activities. That is one reason I love Yoga. No judgement. I do like to be challenged. Push my limits.

Aida

Veteran

I got "Questioner" which was not at all a surprise. A full year of pre-planned everything would give me anxiety, too! Just thinking about it makes me itchy.

I don't really go for the rah-rah stuff, though sometimes the extra rah-rah is a nice compliment. Exercise for me isn't super rigid (surprise), and I focus on doing it for myself. For my physical and mental health, and NOT focused on appearance. Once I was able to get my mind to work like this, as well as the idea that I am important to take care of, it was waaaay easier to stick to everything -- the food the exercise, all of it. Keeping everything flexible helps a lot, too.

rachylou

Veteran

I went back and tried to do the quiz right. I got Upholder. I think that's fair, but I also think I don't set a lot of expectations. Not talking high v low, just I don't go expecting all over the place.

Mochi

Veteran

Rebel rebel, you tore your dress

I have Gretchen's book, though I haven't read the whole thing.

Incidentally, today is the final day of my first Whole 30 experience. And I historically have had no success with trying to consistently keep certain food groups out of my life. Because I balk at giving things up, whether or not it's in my best interest. Like with you, the thought of such drastic change is very daunting.

However, for the Whole 30, it just naturally slipped into place. Not that I didn't miss sweets (I really did), but I felt, for the first time possibly, that I was just going to stay on track with this. I felt this sense of just...hanging in there, because it wasn't a big deal to manage with it for 30 days.

Now, how would I feel about a whole year? Probably *incredibly* intimidated. It just seems like a different ballgame. How do I feel about carrying forward with the way I've been eating for the past month? Mostly I feel like I want to continue, at the same time as knowing that I don't want to be too extreme, at the same time knowing or worrying that I could lapse....so it's complicated, and the re-entry into making broader decisions is coming up from tomorrow.

So I'd say, maybe a year-long thing is too much to expect? Make smaller changes, a bit at a time? It seems too much perfection is expected from you in the current setup.

Sal

Veteran

Interesting quiz, and whilst I got Questioner, I question whether I am a questioner entirely, or whether I have some aspects of Obliger. I would have to read the book in more detail.

WRT exercise and food, I am a believer in healthy living. I enjoy exercising in the most part and have maintained this since I was 20. I have mixed it up over the years, some running, some walking, some pilates, gym, team sports, cycling and swimming. Currently I walk,cycle and do group exercise sessions at the gym. I struggle more to be consistent with my eating, and am weaker willed in this area. I have never really been on a diet and have not weighed myself in over ten years. I sometimes am restrained with food, and drinking wine, and other times I am more greedy. I try to maintain a balance and eat healthily most of the time, but I can fall into the trap of treating myself with food when I have a bad day. I also do associate sweet food with love- which I am not sure is the best association.

I don't like the rah rah..I am a cynic. I especially do not like some of the cult like schemes around (especially where people make big money or set unrealistic expectations). But if these things help others to be healthy and maintain being healthy then that is fine. I am not interested in Isogenix for example, but I have seen others have success with these meal replacements.

Laura - I am with you on the "imagining the whole year" thing. I know there will be times where I break when someone offers me a piece of homemade cake, or I cannot resist a glass of wine on the deck.

Sara L.

Veteran

I haven't taken the quiz but wanted to respond to your question regarding exercise and diet. I try to be consistent but not rah-rah. There are some weeks that just don't work as well as others. This week is one of those. I haven't exercised because I've had too much going on with both my older kids' birthdays this week. I've also had lots of birthday cake so I can't say I've been eating that well either. But I know that next week I'll be back to my usual routine and the cake will be gone. I don't beat myself up when life happens - I just make sure I get back to my exercise and normal eating habits when things settle down. It seems to all average out.

Anonymous

The rah rah doesn't work for me, either. I exercise because of my health and because it makes me feel better. I don't like being pushed to do exercises I don't like or that make me feel worse.

kkards

Veteran

idea of imagining that you did everything exactly as you planned for the next year - food, exercise, eliminating bad habits, adding good habits, etc.
just reading this gave me anxiety, seriously, it's all I can do to think that I will be everything exactly as I planned for tomorrow....let alone 11 months from now.....which is why I never plan my outfits or my meals more than a couple of days in advance (and yes, i'm one of those people whose at the grocery store 3-4 times a week)....anyway, I don't exercise, I know that I should, but i really really don't like it....I do eat pretty well, I started one meal at a time, no grand plan, but just i'll add fruit to my lunch everyday, which then morphed into, i'll drop the potatoes chips etc....

Anonymous

kkards, I go to the supermarket almost every day of the week, and unless I'm going on a trip, I plan my outfit the night before I plan to wear it.

ClaraT

Veteran

"but I'd be interested to hear from anyone who still exercises but doesn't go in for the "rah rah" change your life stuff. Or how your personality affects how you approach eating better and getting exercise"

I found exercises I love, so it's not an obligation but rather a reward to swim (my fellow swimmers are so nice), or bike (biking up a mountain is the best and with a friend it's even better), or do yoga (this is less a joy than something I do everyday so I don't get stiff). The second key was figuring out how to do these things but still be at my desk at 9 or sometimes 9:30. It is now my routine to do something every day and I do it first thing, so I don't have to "decide to" or "consider it" each time. What you love to do and your particular schedule is personal so YMMV for sure. The quiz was interesting, btw, so thanks for linking.

SandyG

Veteran

The book sounds interesting and I've already ordered it. My quiz labeled me 'Rebel' which isn't exactly a surprise and makes sense when I reflect back through the years, wardrobe, habits, life stuff. Habits, happiness and positive psychology became hobbies for me when a friend earned her master's degree in PP. Her reading list kept me busy for a year and it was really a good year! Can't wait to read this one.

deb

Veteran

I am a questioner/obliged. I have questioned everything my whole life so this does not surprise me. I do think we change or soften with age. Experience can play a big role in making the change from obliged to questioner, for example. Oh, and my favorite word is 'why?'

MsMary

Veteran

I exercise consistently just because I have to in order to stay in the kind of shape I want to stay in. I have found a gym I love and even though I hate exercising, I Iove my trainer and I love the people I take classes with, and that keeps me going.

I am an obliger all the way. My trainer challenged me to do 75 boot camp classes this year and that suits my "obliger" self to a tee because it makes me want to not let him down! LOL

Anonymous

For me, walk aerobics gives me energy and yoga relieves arthritic stiffness. The health benefits are a bonus. It's not about cheering and competition.

Windchime

Veteran

I took the quiz and wasn't surprised to be labeled an "obliger."

I used to be all about setting goals and "improving" myself. My friends would comment that I was only interested in challenges that were big and difficult, and they were right.

But in the last few years, I've kind of lost interest in "improving" myself and am instead focused on accepting myself. I wonder if it's a normal part of middle age or if I've become lazy and unmotivated?

DonnaF

Veteran

I took the quiz and came out a Questioner.

I've been walking the track near my home an average of five to six times per week since October 2005, so over 10 years. At first it was about 45 minutes, but for the last six or so it's been an hour and ten minutes.

Yes, it's exercise, but it's also time for me to reflect as well as to plan or change what I will be wearing for the day. I enjoy the track because it's safe and I don't run the risk of being run over. I also enjoy walking; this is key. I do it as soon as I get up; I wanted to make it as automatic as brushing my teeth. When I've had to take a break due to injury or a trip, I've discovered that it really isn't 100% automatic.

A year ago, I think I cracked my pelvic bone for the third time -- while walking. And over the summer, I was doing a lot of lifting -- maybe 16 carloads of stuff to Goodwill. Then we started using buckets of laundry rinse water from the basement to flush our toilet to ease our water use during the drought. I decided I needed to make my body more functional, and that it really wasn't fair to DH to be the only one to haul those five gallon buckets, AND I decided I wanted Michelle Obama arms. I started lifting weights in October. I started lifting three times per week, then my body told me I had to cut down to twice a week.

Again, from the two other times I did it, I knew I really, really liked doing free weights and that I would probably feel a change after a few months and see change after three or four months, and definitely by the summer.

No change like this has ever worked for me unless I was 100% committed from the outset. Any less than that doesn't work for me.

For example: My parents owned a set of Great Books plus the study guide. I think it would be nice to have a go at those classical thinkers under my belt, and have had them in my home since early fall. Yet I know that since I haven't even cracked the first volume I should probably pass them on; I will never get A Round Tuit.

DonnaF

Veteran

I took the quiz and came out a Questioner.

I've been walking the track near my home an average of five to six times per week since October 2005, so over 10 years. At first it was about 45 minutes, but for the last six or so it's been an hour and ten minutes.

Yes, it's exercise, but it's also time for me to reflect as well as to plan or change what I will be wearing for the day. I enjoy the track because it's safe and I don't run the risk of being run over. I also enjoy walking; this is key. I do it as soon as I get up; I wanted to make it as automatic as brushing my teeth. When I've had to take a break due to injury or a trip, I've discovered that it really isn't 100% automatic.

A year ago, I think I cracked my pelvic bone for the third time -- while walking. And over the summer, I was doing a lot of lifting -- maybe 16 carloads of stuff to Goodwill. Then we started using buckets of laundry rinse water from the basement to flush our toilet to ease our water use during the drought. I decided I needed to make my body more functional, and that it really wasn't fair to DH to be the only one to haul those five gallon buckets, AND I decided I wanted Michelle Obama arms. I started lifting weights in October. I started lifting three times per week, then my body told me I had to cut down to twice a week.

Again, from the two other times I did it, I knew I really, really liked doing free weights and that I would probably feel a change after a few months and see change after three or four months, and definitely by the summer.

No change like this has ever worked for me unless I was 100% committed from the outset. Any less than that doesn't work for me.

For example: My parents owned a set of Great Books plus the study guide. I think it would be nice to have a go at those classical thinkers under my belt, and have had them in my home since early fall. Yet I know that since I haven't even cracked the first volume I should probably pass them on; I will never get A Round Tuit.