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OT: need help with personal problem

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

My DH and I have totally different interests and hobbies and that includes friends. He wants me to do things with him and his friends even though I have done that before and I have nothing in common with them. He says it doesn't matter if I don't care for them, I should just make the best of it because he would if situation was reversed. However, if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't make him spend time with people he doesn't like.
He is also involved in youth group in his church and wants me to accompany him to their outtings even though its not something I have desire to do(once again, I have done that before and was bored and uncomfortable and couldn't wait for it to be over).
I am perfectly ok with doing things on my own(I mean hobbies) and as a matter of fact I prefer it. He is clearly not ok with us not sharing these activities. I would like for us to find some thing we can do together but so far I haven't been successful. Its becoming a serious issue because I feel resentful and suffocated. Am I being selfish or are my feelingss are justified? For example, I like to read, do crafts, take walks, he doesen't like to do any of these things. He likes to hike, go to the beach and work out-none of these things I am able to do because I have chronic illness(since couple of years ago) and I am not able to do a lot of physical activities anymore.

FYI, I felt that we needed to see a therapist because this has become a rather big issue but my husband refuses to go

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32 replies

Latest reply was from Sylvie

catgirl

Veteran

Victoria, my DH and I were just discussing this issue because we have friends in the same situation. We went for a hike yesterday with them. She just doesn't enjoy the outdoor activities we all do, and he is getting more and more into it. We've seen several couples go through this situation and I have to tell you, most of them haven't been able to work it out because one person (usually the husband) is so adamant about not seeking any outside help.

I hope your husband will change his mind about counseling, because you can't negotiate this discussion when you are angry or resentful, and he shouldn't expect you to just suck it up one way or the other. Chronic illness and changes in health really can alter the dynamic of a relationship and need to be treated accordingly. A professional could really help you through these hurdles. Since these are actual health-related issues for you, whether you enjoy them or not is somewhat irrelevant. And I'm sure his underlying worry is that if you have nothing in common with his friends, does that mean you have nothing in common with him?

On the other hand, reading and crafting are both somewhat solitary activities. Could you take a cooking class together? Do you have friends you can have game nights with? A lot of our couple time is with other couples, just hanging around a campfire or having dinner together.

Big hugs to you - relationships are not easy, and I can't stress enough how much counseling could benefit him if he will open up to it.

nicoleb

(website)

Veteran

I don't think i could say it any better than Una just did but i wanted to offer some *hugs* and positive thoughts. I hope this situation works out for you guys and that you're able to find some positive middle ground.

DonnaF

Veteran

This is difficult, but IKWYM; DH and I have different friends. I only have to put up with them several times a year at most, so it is fine. DD says his are loud and mine aren't, LOL. Dear Abby always advises that when one spouse refuses to see the therapist/counselor, the other one should go anyway. Also, therapists aren't interchangeable, so it may take kissing a number of frogs before finding a prince or princess. Would DH be open to trying a number out -- so that he doesn't feel the one you've found is on your side and *against* him?

I think you have mentioned attending church, and above you said the youth group in *his* church. I take it that you are involved with different church communities?

Mona

Veteran

Una has put it very eloquently. I hope you find a solution that works for both of you. Have you tried telling him that because of your illness, these activities are challenging for you? Sometimes people forget really obvious things and need to be reminded. ALso, try to accompany him in one or two activities and let him know that you like to pursue other interests too. So he does not expect you to be part of every activity that he does.

Anonymous

How often does he want you to do these joint activities?

I think that if his requests are now and then, you should go - now and then. On the other hand, if he's constantly asking you to go out jointly with his friends, his youth group, etc. despite your discomfort, you have every reason to think that's unreasonable.

But I don't think the answer is he does his things and you do your things and never the two shall meet. Your husband wants your company. He wants his friends to enjoy your company, too. A little compromise here is not unreasonable, on both of your parts.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Una, you are wise beyond your years!

Victoria - I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said but I wanted to send you hugs. Relationships are not easy, no matter what. And they can be especially trying at times if you are different people with different interests. DH and I are complete opposites in most ways and we have both had to do a lot of "give-and-take" over our 28 years. In that 28 years, we have gone to counseling twice. DH wasn't overly keen on it the first time as he felt it showed weakness and an inability to deal with things. Nothing is farther from the truth - it helps tremendously to have an impartial, trained person assist in negotiations and helping you each see things in a fresh perspective. The second time, many years later, neither one of us hesitated to go back.

I hope the two of you can work through this - don't give up the communicating. Sending hugs!

Sylvie

Veteran

*hug* I think your feelings are justified. No advice for you, but I think every couple struggles with this division of time issue.

Our sticky widget is seeing friends/family that one person is not as fond of or doesn't want to see *that* often. We're trying to do a better job of communicating to the other which activities are important (suck it up and attend this one), which are optional and understanding the person's feelings.

Opinion from a stranger on the internet:

I think it would be reasonable for your husband to request that you attend one people-related activity/week (3-4 hours, not a whole day) but in turn he should be willing to compromise and join you for an activity you enjoy. I can understand him not wanting to take up crafting/reading but going for a walk sounds like an excellent candidate for a joint activity.

If he won't do counseling, there are some techniques out there for having productive discussions on heated topics on your own, if you're not already using these. There's the classic technique of using "I feel" statements and having the person repeat the statement back to the other person. It would be good if you could find out why it's so important to him that you attend these activities even though you're unhappy. It sounds like he may not understand that it's possible for a couple to have different interests but still be happy together. Being married doesn't mean you become one organism with identical thoughts and feelings.

Thinking positive thoughts for you.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Donna: I have attended his church for the last 5 years and was never happy or comfortable there so last year I started going elsewhere for services. Mind you, because going to church together is important for DH, I compromised and was alternating the services at his church and my new church.
Mona: I have told him on numerous occassions that lot of physical activities are very difficult for me because of my illness but he doesn't seem to understand. And I think part of it is because I don't "look" sick, and still work full time so I think he thinks if I can do that, I can do other things as well.
Anne: he askes me to do these kind of things ALL the time, not just once in a while. Just couple of weeks ago he was pressuring me going rock claiming with his friends even though because of my condition I have bad vertigo and get light headed easily. He told me if I didn't want to rock climb, I could just hang out with everyone and watch. I guess I can't see what is the point of going for activity when you are not able to do any of it

rae

(website)

Veteran

Regarding couples' therapy, I looked into this seriously a while back as a pre-marriage thing to do. What my research revealed was that there is no set "therapy" for couples or marriages - in fact, most therapists kind of make it up as they go along. There haven't been studies as to what is effective and what is not, so it's a big gamble to put your relationship in the hands of someone like that. I wish I could remember the book I had... I will try to search my emails and see if I wrote it down somewhere.

In regards to your illness, yes, he probably doesn't "get it." Can you bring him along to a medical appointment sometime? Or are there support groups for family members of those with this illness? It is smart to get him educated. My friends with disabilities all have this same issue with family, and the education helps a lot.

For the friends thing... well, my DH doesn't care for some of my friends, and therefore he doesn't come with me when I hang out with them. IMO, I don't want to be the cause of my DH's bad time. I do see how he may want to put up a unified front to the world at large, though. Maybe the two of you can agree to a schedule, so he is not constantly pestering you? And maybe he does something to help you out in return?

Amy

(website)

Veteran

Victoria, I sympathize! My dh and I have gone through something similar from time to time. Each of you is going to have to compromise in some fashion. It may not turn out to be the obvious equation, either, i.e., you participate in an activity he initiated, and he participate in something you initiated. The equation may be something more like you do something with him once a week and he resists pestering you about going out quite so often.

Also, I have accompanied my DH out outings where he's doing something with his friends that I'm not interested in. I'll go along to be a good sport and to enjoy bantering with people, but when they start their activity, I find a comfy place to sit back, soak up the rays and perhaps read a fun novel. I usually try to demonstrate my positive attitude by helping pack a picnic or preparing for the outing in some fashion. Attitude is EXTREMELY important.

There are different degrees of doing things together.

It sounds as if your differences in choice of church is an important matter. Have you invited him to attend a service at your church? Perhaps there are services on Saturdays or at a time that wouldn't cause him to miss is church's services.

Jonesy

Veteran

It seems like couples counseling is really in order here! Does your hubby understand what is at stake if he refuses to go?

I know you didn't bring this up, but I couldn't help thinking about it since it's fresh in my mind: I've just finished reading a book about introversion and there was this case example about a couple that reminded me so much of your situation! Not the chronic illness part or the outdoorsy part, but the husband really loved hosting dinner parties every Friday night for his friends, and the wife loathed it (he was an extrovert, she was an introvert). He thought that if she really cared about him, she would compromise and that she would *want* to spend time with him and his friends. She hated the get-togethers with a passion, and couldn't get him to understand that they were almost physically painful for her. They ended up seeing a therapist, and compromising. By the end they were hosting the parties once a month or something like that, and they were organized as pot lucks rather than sit-down dinners, so she could comfortably chat with a few people at a time, rather than "holding court" for the whole table. He learned to respect her need for solitary time and he was able to get his socializing fix with his friends sometimes by himself (she didn't always need to go along).

Whew! Long-winded, but the idea is that understanding each others' perspectives (maybe he feels rejected? or shut out? and you feel misunderstood? or treated in a way that's unsympathetic, or even a bit bullying?) and coming up with a reality that you can both be happy with are key.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Jonesy: thanks for input, this does adress my situation I think. can I ask what was the name of this book?

catgirl

Veteran

Victoria, my climbing partner's husband will not climb, ever. He just doesn't want to do it. However, the three of us have traveled together when he will hike out to the site with us and then he will go off exploring (or be forced to take photos!) while we climb, or just watch us flail away. Climbing is particularly conducive to this (as opposed to "we're all hiking to the top of this peak") because you're pretty much stationed somewhere and not everyone can be climbing at once.

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

Una: actually the rockclaiming in question was at the indoor facility, at one of these man made mountain things. I would have been willing to go if that was outdoors. I can see your point though

Jonesy

Veteran

I thought it might be in the ballpark! The book is called "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking," by Susan Cain. It came out recently and has gotten some press. It's essentially a readable collection of research findings and case examples on introversion and introverts. She thinks that lots of time introverts and extroverts don't understand each others' POV, so they have a hard time communicating. It's not all about relationships by any means, but there is plenty to chew on.

Hope it helps, and best of luck to you!

Victoria

(website)

Veteran

thanks Jonesy:) I think I would like to read it

catgirl

Veteran

Ah, that makes sense. I was wondering where there is outdoor climbing in Hawai'i. I'm surprised the indoor place is still open, with all the outdoor stuff to do there! Yes, that would be quite boring then.

Jonesy's book sounds wonderful.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I can't find that book, but this site pretty much lays out all the things I remember from what I read before getting married.

http://www.marriage-success-se.....elors.html

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

Hi Victoria. Really sorry you're having a tough time and really impressed you're looking into ways of tackling it. Now is the time to do it.

Another few random thoughts from someone you have never met! Take what you want from them and ignore the rest!

There is a site called marriagebuilders.com . There is some interesting information in there about emotional needs (you may need to browse around for it) and how they vary from person to person. If your DH were to understand why it seems to him so important that you go rock climbing (because 'recreational companionship' is one of his top emotional needs, even though it is one of your lowest ones!) then he might be able to be more open to looking into other ways to fulfil that need with you - either you finding a way of being able to come along to things enough for him and just hanging out while he does it, or him finding things that you enjoy too. Also good to check if you are getting what you need out of the relationship - download and fill in the questionnaire for each of you. If your needs are met fully, you may find yourself happier to go along with the things that don't 'do it' for you just because you get a buzz out of knowing it makes him happy. This will only happen if your own needs are being met...

Also, look at the idea of 'Policy of joint agreement' - whereby you are looking for a solution to any issue that arises that you can both agree to enthusiastically. This is different from compromising - you are looking for a win-win solution rather than a 'both lose a bit and are vaguely unsatisfied' version. It is possible.

If you want to scare yourself silly, look into the 'how affairs happen' sections.

The most important thing to remember is that YOU deserve to be happy and that YOUR HUSBAND also deserves to be happy. You can do this!

All tools to help you understand the situation are good - they are all tools, not solutions in themselves. Building on introvert/extrovert stuff, Meyers Briggs is another useful tool. Google it if you have not come across it before. It's a tool to understand people, not a box to put people in.

Good luck. I believe you can do this. I am really impressed that you are seeing a problem and looking everywhere for a solution. Wow.

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

PS the article Rae linked to is written I think by the man who wrote the website I referred to.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I have been planning to read the book Jonesy mentions, and now I will get to it faster since the case study reminds me of my situation. My husband is an excellent cook and loves to host. I am most comfortable in one on one situations and it took me a very long time to understand the concept of social friends with whom you share meals but with whom you don't necessarily have heart to heart conversations. My husband regularly attends synagogue and I am not interested in going - and the socialization is definitely part of the reason. Anyway, it took some work but we have reached a sort of balance - I have gotten used to hosting and he has gotten used to going alone. It helps that our core values and way of seeing things are similar - it just our personalities and backgrounds are different.

Kari

Veteran

Victoria, you've received such wise advice already, and I hesitated even posting because (especially since I've not been married) I don't know that I could add anything wiser than what has already been said.

I can tell you that this is an issue that B. (my partner of 4 1/2 years) and I deal with, and we've learned to work with it. B. and I were raised in families who had a different idea of what a fun time was - most of his family activities revolve around sports, and most of mine would center around the arts. His family is largely quiet and reserved (still loving, but showing love in ways other than verbalizing it); my family talks ALL THE TIME and we are very vocal both in our bickering and in being affectionate.

I have several very close friends that I don't get a chance to see too often, and we prefer to hang out in small groups or one-on-one. He has a group of close and less close but still friendly friends that sees each other VERY often (they meet up weekly to hang out at a neighborhood bar, and often meet up on the weekends.) I dance (well, not as often now, but used to) and B. plays softball. I participate on YLF and could sleep through a Superbowl game; B. plays video games and is baffled and a bit bemused by my interest in personal style and photography.

Particularly since moving in together, we've been learning how to balance what we each like to do with our introverted personalities (both of us love spending time together, but also need "alone time" to refresh and re-engage, especially after a hard day of work.) I've also learned that even though I love and feel totally accepted by his friends, I need to make time for my friends too - and sometimes so does he, particularly as we spend a great deal of time hanging out with his group. This weekend, we had a wedding of one of my friends that we were invited to, and it happened to be on the same day as a pub crawl with his group. He was a little disappointed to miss it, but was planning to be my date to the wedding, no question - and even whirled me around the dance floor a couple times. He's also occasionally tried out hobbies of mine (going to an open Scottish Country Dance and trying it out.) But I don't expect him to go every time, just as he doesn't expect me to go to every activity with his friends, or to purchase season tickets to a sports game just because he is. We have also learned that when one of us invites the other to an event we wouldn't normally attend (B. gets an extra ticket to a soccer match for me, or I ask him to come to a concert with my family) that attending can not only be a loving act for the person who is compromising - but that it's also a loving act to be invited and included in each other's lives. And it's equally as important, despite living in the same house, that we spend time together doing something we both like (going out to dinner, or curling up on the couch to watch a movie), without our friends relatively often.

That's not to say that there hasn't been frustration. I remember one day when after I had rearranged my schedule for an event with his friends, he seemed kind of apathetic about my going, that I strategically decided to let him know that I was upset by this. And we're still learning to strike that balance between having totally isolationist lives and being overly joined at the hip, one day at a time.

I don't know if that helps, but for what it's worth, I very much hope that you and your husband can strike a balance that works for both of you. Even if your husband is resistant to the idea of couples counseling, I would highly recommend talk therapy/counseling for you (not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because it is such an excellent way to process and have someone objective help us draw out things that may be troubling us.)

Wishing you well in the meantime.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am nodding along with much of the advice you've already received here, but I wanted to second the recommendation of the book "Quiet" -- i also thought of the scenario Jonesy mentioned as I read your post! I am a classic introvert, and my husband is not, so I found a lot of the book quite fascinating -- and validating!

I think it's very important for couples to have individual interests that the other partner is NOT a part of! My husband plays baseball and golf. I run and do yoga. We have even taken separate vacations (he with his sons or his brother, me with my sister or by myself). I crave solitude in a way he doesn't understand, so we are in a constant ebb and flow of individual vs. couple energy. It was very hard at first for me to tell him there are times I don't want him to participate in something I want to do, because it sounds a lot like rejection. But counseling can be a tremendous help. I hope this gets better for you!

christieanne

Veteran

My DH and I are opposites as well but over the years we have learned to compromise big time (which goes two ways) and enjoy the time apart as much as the time together (in fact my DH insists that it is the time away from each other that makes us appreciate the time together).
I hope your DH does agree to some sort of counseling. If not, you may just have to get the ball rolling with some reasonable compromises on your part. After a bit (especially if you don't make a big deal about it) then he may be more open to see that you are trying but he isn't. You both need to pick your areas that the other may not be interested in.
I knew a couple that had been married for forty years (the husband recently passed away - they are in their 80's) and belonged to two different churches. They alternated every other week or so and when they went separately, they met for lunch after church. At the husband's funeral service, both pastors conducted the service - it was quite special that they had worked this out openly and with support from both pastors.

Vibes for you as you deal with this!!

fashionista

Veteran

You seem two poles apart. Your husband looks like extrovert from what you said and you look like an introvert to me. And this is the main problem in your case. The difference is in personality.
No you are niether being selfish nor your husband. Try and talk with your husband about this one on one.
Well I don't have any solution to your issues but would like to say you that we are always here to support you. Love and hugs.xoxo

Deborah

Veteran

Excellent advice from all here. The only thing I would suggest, particularly as faith appears to be important to you both, is that you consider counseling provided through one of your churches, that is if hubby would reconsider counselling.

anne

Veteran

So much great advice here!

First wanted to say I am glad I don't have to go to the 2 youth groups my husband leads!! (one comes around for a meal about every 5 weeks, but that is about all)!

Secondly, I have been to a couple of marriage enrichment weekends and several seminars, which were run not for couples that were "in trouble" but just to help normal couples , and I wonder if your DH would consider something like that if he isn't keen on actual counselling. There is something called the Marriage Course which another church in my town offers, and many from my church have attended with very positive comments.

My book recommendation is Gary Chapman's The 5 love languages.http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.....languages/ If there was one single best thing I have learnt on the first marriage enrichment weekend, it would be the insight from this book.

All the best with working this out

velvetychocolate

Veteran

You've gotten some really good advice here - and I'm sure that you two will be able to work this out.

Speaking of working things out, I've found that when issues flare up like this, one of the best ways to be able to talk about stuff is to go on a walk together. Sometimes, these issues become tense and difficult to talk about, and if you're out walking together - it is surprisingly easier to get through these kinds of conversations. I suspect this because you get the feeling of being 'grounded' (feet on the ground) which means you're not all in your own head, feeling like your emotions are swallowing you up, and further - the very act of walking means you are literally moving forward. In a weird way, this can help your mind and heart move forward too - and it also helps "move the conversation forward" instead of getting stuck on the same, sticky points. I'm just talking about a simple walk around the neighbourhood, not a major hike or anything. I highly recommend trying this out. In fact, I'd recommend a daily pre or post-dinner walk most evenings for a little while. The issues may or may not come up at first, but eventually they will - and they won't feel as tense when you're out walking together. This might be all the counseling you need

The other thing I wanted to mention is that my husband loves to take me along on almost all of his business trips, and during these - he wants me to attend the evening socials/business dinners. I've felt kind of pleased and flattered, but I also don't necessarily find these gatherings enjoyable all the time. Sometimes they are boring, and so on. I finally realized something though. You see, my husband is an introvert, and I am an extrovert. After a long day of being "on" while on a business trip, having to then go out for dinner with a pile of work people is even more of an effort than usual for him. With me there, I am able to chat with people about non-business stuff and lighten things up a wee bit. Don't get me wrong, he's very good with people, but he *is* an introvert, even though most people would never know this about him. I've since realized that having me along for these dinners helps reduce the pressure on him, and relieves the sense of exhaustion that introverts sometimes experience when spending all day and all evening with a pile of people.

The reason I mention this is because there's a chance that your husband finds it comforting and helpful having you there with him during some of these activities. This is actually really good news - he loves your company, he's proud of you, and likely there's some other aspect to him asking you to be there - maybe he's an introvert? I mean, you can't always tell. And even leaving aside the possible introvert/extrovert thing - perhaps it's just that having you with him makes him feel better about himself, makes him happier and so on.

Another thing I noticed about my husband's introversion vs. my extroversion? It's not that he wants to be by himself at all, it's just that he doesn't always want to talk non-stop. Sitting in the living room, each of us reading our books quietly is a wonderful thing for us to do together. Just because he's more introverted than I am doesn't mean he wants to be alone. There have been times when we've been apart, and he does *not* enjoy this at all. I think if I talked non-stop and expected him to be 'on' all the time, he'd prefer to have some alone time. But this isn't the case because I've recognized that he has a need for peace (and quiet). It's wonderful to enjoy each other's company and still have that peace.

Meanwhile, I will also say that he makes a real effort to spend time just 'yakking' with me every single day. He literally plunks himself into a comfy chair and says, "So, what do you want to talk about?" He does this even when he'd rather just have some peace & quiet.

Somehow we manage to make it work most of the time. I like to talk and socialize and he appreciates his quiet and downtime. You wouldn't think it would work, but it does - just that we both need to recognize these things about each other and do a bit of give and take. Sometimes I forget and bombard him with talking, and sometimes he forgets and goes into quiet mode. Nobody's perfect We're able to laugh about it though, so I think this helps.

You and your husband will be able to balance all of this out, I'm sure of it.

Aziraphale

Veteran

How often does your hubby want you to engage in activities you're not interested in? If it's just the odd time, maybe it's not a big deal, but if you dislike ALL his friends and he's always pestering you to do stuff with them, then you may have a problem.

I think it's actually healthy for couples to NOT do *everything* together. My own honey likes to watch formula one racing, for example, which let me tell you is about as exciting as watching paint dry. So he goes to race car events with others. No big deal. And when it comes to friends, there is overlap between his and mine, but not complete overlap. Not all our friends are "couple friends".

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