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OT- How do you handle a daily stressor?

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I dont mean the day to day things we all deal with...Im talking about someone you *must* talk with (for at least 20-45 minutes) daily, who usually stresses you out so badly you either feel your blood pressure rising/heart racing or you reach for a stress reliever (either cigarette or a drink) you know you shouldnt have at all/not have daily? My sister is getting to me SO bad I must find a way to handle it Changing topics/talking to her about our relationship DOESNT work.....she constantly picks apart everything I/DH or a friend says, is very nosy, critizises everything I buy, or whatever DH or a friend does/buys...yet wonders why I dont like to tell her what's new!

General

26 replies

Latest reply was from Patty

Lori

Veteran

Is she an older sister? I am the oldest of 6 children, and I now know that I used to come off as too judgmental, critical, sometimes outright rude to my younger sister, I was a know-it-all, and used to give her unsolicited advice, etc. until one day, she just had enough, and finally put all on the table in a way I couldn't just ignore, told me she loved me to death, but I needed to step back and put aside my judgments, etc. because it was getting in the way of our relationship. That was about 10 years ago, and since then we speak just about everyday and are very best friends.

It worked with us, but it did take her being totally blunt and getting really mad at me to show me that I needed to come down off my pedestal. I feel like she helped me change a lot more than just our relationship by being completely honest with me about how she and others felt when I placed my judgments/criticisms on them.

Maybe you've already tried this approach, and if you have and she doesn't respond, she has bigger problems.

Now that is just about as personal a thing as I've ever shared with a non-IRL friend.

Vani

Veteran

I have the misfortune of sitting next to a male coworker who insists on harping on something or the other - his problem with "the way things work" or his personal life issues. I find earphones were made for situations like these. And ibuprofen. But I think Lori's solution is far more relevant to your situation.

afterism

It may be a bit abrupt but when I am at the end of my tether with a topic I generally just tell the person I am not interested or that I don't want to hear it. You don't need to explain this to them, just state it firmly & clearly.

They will question you, just repeat that you aren't interested in what they are talking about. Feel free to say that it is negative or boring or repetitive if they push.

After a couple of times they won't bring it up again as there is no positive in it for them.

I know it seems rude but sometomes it takes rudeness to stop rudeness.

MsMary

Veteran

Uh, WHY "must" you talk to her every day? What would happen if you changed that pattern?

Aziraphale

Veteran

I drink.

crwilson

Veteran

I try to have some sort of mantra that makes it easier to not say things I'll regret. I say it in my head when I'm with that person, when I leave, and until I feel better. Sometimes it helps; other times it doesn't, unfortunately.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I drink too! Where is that merlot bottle?? Seriously, I am having a similar situation with my own mother. I think when it's family it is all the harder to deal with. Work people I can just avoid when possible.
I'll be honest - I have started avoiding phone calls from my mom too. I call back every 3rd or 4th message. Long story short, my BF and I offered her our home in CA to live in to save $$$$ and it was torture for her the way she saw it. She lived there once before when we came to FL and things were great although our house was in worse shape. This time we'd fixed the leak in the roof, put in a whole new bath, fixed the kitchen sink. But the difference is *she* had changed. Finding fault is a new hobby. She has since moved a few miles down the road from our place (and spending the rent I was trying to save her) but things are strained. But once I twisted my ankle she started calling every few days - I was a sitting duck sort of ha ha. Anyway, I finally told her I was bored and frustrated being house bound and didn't have much to tallk about. It sort of worked. All this to say I don't have an answer. Where is that merlot again???

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I try to see the humor in the situation. The more extreme it gets, the easier it is to find it funny. We can't control the behaviour of others, just our reaction to that behaviour.

Mellllls

Veteran

i second mary. is there a specific reason you MUST talk to your sister daily? if you don't have to, then the best way to handle that stressor is to remove it!

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Mary K beat me to it. Unless you work together or live together, you don't have to talk to her every day.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I just wanted to add that sometimes when a person calls every day, or every few days, it's more that they want a receiving ear to talk *at*, and hear them, than a true back and forth conversation. Just in my personal experience. Hence, why I decided to slow the return rate on my own family phone calls

Aziraphale

Veteran

You guys know I'm kidding, right?

Biscuitsmom -- on a serious note: have you tried telling your sister how you feel? It's worth a shot, although it may not work. Your situation reminds me of a friend whose mother drives him bonkers. He did try talking to her about how her incessant criticism stressed him out....unfortunately it totally didn't work. She took it as a personal attack and they had a massive blowup.

My friend eventually realized that he wasn't going to be able to change his mother. This meant he had two choices: cut his mom out of his life, or learn to let her criticisms roll off him like water off a duck's back, so to speak. He decided it would be unkind to cut her out (and also, he would be depriving his kids of their grandmother), so he had to learn to listen to her without letting her words upset him. I think he got some counseling, which helped.

Kristine

Veteran

Just like I approach going to the grocery store, I try to detach. I watch my own energy so it doesn't get dragged down by someone else's negativity. It's a great chance for personal growth, an exercise to see how calm you can remain. Ha ha.

Or, if you're up for it, try agreeing with her. We have a volunteer at work who I think of as Eye-ore, everything out of his mouth is negative. I'm sure people get so tired of it they don't even listen anymore. So on days I have strength, I try to really hear what he's saying behind the complaining. I agree and cluck-cluck over how hard it must be. It's like surrendering and somehow it's just easier than trying to perk him up. And other days I just quietly leave and eat lunch somewhere else.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Another echo to MaryK... It might help to cut down on the interaction and build up your patience reserves... of course, in my case, I kept cutting down interaction over and over again, and now I haven't spoken to a certain family member in over a year. I sort of got addicted to the peace I felt when she wasn't in my life. Your sister probably isn't that bad - and hey, maybe she'll figure it out and be nicer. :T

Joy

Veteran

I put the phone on speaker and play solitaire on the computer or go through email while the other person talks. If they complain that you are distracted, just say that this isn't a good time, say good bye and hang up.
You might also limit the length of the call to something like 3 or 4 minutes, then say you have to go and hang up. You could even say you'll call her back, just not specify when (like next week).

Patty

Veteran

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives.
But I find having it out with a sister is easier than with 'friends'. Do as Lori suggests. Yeah you'll have to see her at family events but it doesn't mean you have to talk to her----works for me!!!!! When mine talks to me I listen, if it needs an answer I make it nice and generic to be nice for the family and distract myself to another room. I don't need the drama.

And Lori---you took your sister's intervention very well!!!

Louise

Veteran

Set the timer on your oven for 5 minutes then when it rings say " got to go that's the oven" and hang up
Get Biscuit to bark on demand when you give him a signal then you can make out he needs to go out and hang up x

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I really appreciate all the replies! Lori, yes, she is the older sister (4 yrs) I have tried (believe me!) but she justs either cries or blows up and write me a 5 pg letter! Then repeating the same behavior over and over and over...She's *always* wanted to try to have others make her decisions for her, then she has someone to blame if things go wrong...extremely dependant on me...she was on our mom too until she passed away a few yrs ago...I really feel bad, cuz she has no other family but me. We have 1 aunt and a couple of cousins we see at funerals, but thats all. She has a couple friends online and 1 at the senior/disabled building she lives in (she has several health problems) she's only 54 Thanks for sharing the info about yourself! Vani, yup, Ive had co-workers like that too! lol... Afterism, Ive tried and tried, but she always circles back to whatever she is obsessing about t the moment...appreciate the advice-it would work for most people, but not her, Im afraid. MaryK, She just freaks out if I do...if I cut the call short, she just keeps calling back and trying my cell if she doesnt reach me right away She is better than she was though before she got on meds- she'd call 6 or 8 times a day! Elizabeth, lol! Me too! It does help calm my nerves, but I cant keep having a couple every day. Your friend is really wise..I think counseling would help, but we fall in the cracks for insurance...CRWilson, That does help somewhat, thanks! Mo, SO sorry about your mom! Finding fault is about *all* she does too...If I get her to talk non-stop about her interests, it helps a lot. We have nothing in common but a love of animals.. hope your ankle is better soon! Dianthus, I'll try that! Good to keep in mind..Melllls, she freaks if I dont! She'll keep trying the home, cellphone- saying she's worried something happened to me..like my husband wouldnt call her? uhuh...Patty, I try generic agreeing, but she'll say things she knows I dont agree with just to try and set me off..If I then agree, she'll get angry and say Im lying (which I would be.) Chewy, oh, how I wish it were so! I like knowing she's ok, but a 5 minute call would be great some days...maybe 1 out of 20 times she is great, not arguementative or picking apart everything (even stuff that happened months ago!) Rae, I think she wishes me well deep-down, but she is just really nitpicky and negative about so many things...Kristine, yup, tried it, but she just gets angry...Joy, Ive tried that, but she just keeps on 'when, exactly?' aaggh Louise, lol...like to, but she just keeps after me to call back..if I talk less than at least 20 minutes, she's very angry the next day...just keeps dwelling on my 'cutting her short' and that DH 'controls my time' which is ridiculous! Sorry for the book, everyone! Hope I didnt forget anyone....

MsMary

Veteran

Wow, what a tough situation!

Truly, honestly, with tons of love and respect, I'm going to timidly suggest that if I were in your very tough situation and didn't see any way out, I would consider getting some counseling for myself to help me either set some firmer boundaries with her, or work on not letting her behavior get to me. It sounds like it's enough of a problem for you that it might be worth trying to find somebody who would work with you on the fee, and cutting back elsewhere in order to make it happen. Most communities have some kind of sliding-scale mental health services. And this is the kind of an issue that I think even a student or an intern could be helpful with, which would be less expensive.

Big hugs to you!!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Oh, big hugs! I think difficult personalities in families can be so trying for everyone involved. I can't speak for your sis, but I know my mom can be passive agressive and a lot of her behavior is designed to give her a 'pay off' of some kind. When things were really bad late last summer at our house (and she had unplugged the phone and wouldn't answer the door when we sent friends over to help) I finally just had to start saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" about most every complaint and/or attack. I basically had to tactfully put all of her stuff back on her and step aside from it in a way that did not place blame or invite debate. Man, it was hard. Best of luck! I would definitely limit the phone calls, though. There is nothing wrong with not answering every time she rings. You have a right to your own time and don't let her shame or guilt you into thinking you owe her a certail amount of time or phone calls each day. Slowly draw a boundary there.
(PS my mom lost her phone 2 weeks ago and I hate to say it, but it's been soooo nice and peaceful for me!)

Barbara

Veteran

Yikes! An ex-friend is exactly the same. She has always has been the 'look at me drama queen' type. My solution, as drastic as it may seem: Zero contact. She is a narcissistic energy vampire and I cannot be around her.

Drastic, yes. But I have to think of MY health and sanity.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

MaryK, thanks for the hug! I appreciate the counseling advice...but right now, we fall between the cracks for insurance paying at least most of it, and dont have the money to do it ourselves....and we dont qualify for low income assistance. Mo, thanks too for the hug and advice! That has been something Im trying to work on saying Sorry about your situation with your mom! Good for you sticking with it! lol...she has gotten better from 6-8 calls a day (that was REALLY bad!) to 1-3....I'd enjoy the peace too! Hoping she'l get more involved on the internet now that she has high-speed....

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Barbara, *absolutely* you do! Great that you're doing that! Its sad, but if she wasnt my sister, Im pretty sure we wouldnt even be friends- we just have ZERO in common, except for loving animals...and I cant keep the conversation centered on that too often...if I say much about B she 2nd guesses the vet!

MsMary

Veteran

Uh, you know there's no law that says you have to put up with mentally unbalanced narcissistic energy vampires if they happen to share DNA with you. Just sayin'. I admire you for wanting to support her, but in my view you're not really doing anybody any favors if you let her affect you this badly. If you limit or cut off contact, one of two things is going to happen: Either she will get the message and things will improve and both of you will be better off, or she won't. And if she doesn't, at least you will be better off because you won't be dealing with this constant stress.

Bottom line is if one of you has to be miserable (either you because she tortures you every day, or her because you won't talk to her unless she behaves decently), my vote is for it to be her. And she will always have the option to resume contact simply by shaping up.

Try it.

Really.

Mellllls

Veteran

That is a tough situation. What about family counseling for both of you? I think it's harder to limit contact when you are her closest relative and she has health problems. But a professional counselor could really help both of you find a way to communicate without all the anguish.

Patty

Veteran

I'm guessing your sister is a shut in and hasn't anything else to do but phone you?? She might need a hobby/life---something new to talk about and new people to gripe to/about. Maybe start sending her cool websites she can visit while on highspeed--make it sites with forums so she can sign on--but maybe not this one LOL.