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OT - An update

Vani

Veteran

As most of you are aware I've been fairly busy with plenty of changes i my life in the last few months. I haven't been on the forum much but have been reading and keeping up as much as I can. I just wanted to pop in to say hi to everyone and let you know what I've been up to.

In the last 4 months I have moved to a new position in a new department with added responsibilities, shopped for more Christmas presents and hosted more house guests than I have ever before, bought and moved into a new house.

The biggest development though is that 5 days after moving in, this past Thursday I found out I was about 5 to 6 weeks pregnant (I know, how could I not know how long but it was just such a busy two months). By midnight Saturday I had a full natural miscarriage. On Monday an ultrasound confirmed there was no proof of pregnancy. I guess it was a good thing I had put off taking that pregnancy test long enough that we didn't really have enough time for the idea of a baby sink in. I kept wanting to share with you but I felt like I was was posting looking for sympathy and consolation. I'm not saying that it is wrong to do so. But since coming to this country (then completely foreign) all alone, it has become a way of life for me to forge on through emotional and physical pain. Vulnerability is weakness and all that. I am not entirely torn up over it but sometimes when in between work and chores, the mind wanders and I find myself grieving a little and wondering worriedly - what if this happens again.

Just writing all this is so therapeutic. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making this such a warm, safe and supporting place where I can unburden my heart in between trying to find the right pieces in my closest to attempt the fabulous Chanel-esque MOTG outfits everyone is posting!

General

47 replies

Latest reply was from Lena

Lynne

Veteran

oh, Vani, I'm sending hugs.......so many changes. Do allow yourself a little time to grieve, it's only natural...., Lynne xxx

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Vani, I want to send my heart-felt support to you and your husband. Even if the idea of pregnancy didn't have time to fully germinate for you, I know miscarriage can be a very real and painful loss. There is no shame whatsoever in taking the time to grieve and in seeking support from those you trust. IN fact, I have always believed that discussing an issue is a sign of strength, acceptance and wisdom. You are seeking emotional support and assimilating this latest experience into your life experience, which I truly believe is the best thing you can do right now. Take time to work through your emotions, no matter what they are. Please ensure your physical well-being, and know you will always find support here if you need or want it.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this experience during such a hectic time. Big hugs to you...You are clearly very strong, and I'm certain all will be well.

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Oh Vani, I have tears in my eyes reading your post. What a tumultuous time of ups and downs you have been through lately.

I miscarried my first baby at 11 weeks pregnant and I can tell you I was utterly devastated, so believe me when I say that the fact you feel some grief now and again is utterly normal. I would go as far to say that the waves of sadness and grief you are feeling is a natural part of this process of coming to terms with the fact that sometimes you cannot control the universe or your body and sometimes life plain Just. Isn't. Fair. (And frankly, being terribly blunt and not particularly eloquent, that realisation *really* sucks the big cahoona.)

Upon reflection I can say that the experience forged a very strong bond between my husband and myself (for we were the only people to truly feel the loss); that it taught me that any future child I may have would be an ultimate blessing (suddenly gender didn't matter anymore and it helped me to crystalise in my mind that I really DID want to be a mother - beforehand I was a little ambivalent about the notion); and the realisation that I am a person who can come through times of distress with courage and inner-strength.

If you want to talk about it some more or just have a sympathetic ear from someone who does understand how you feel, please feel free to PM me.

Take care beautiful, stylish, lovely Vani.

Katiepea (Kirstie)
x

Polly (thunalata)

Veteran

Oh I'm so sorry. Can't think how you must be feeling but it must be an emotional time as you process this all.

Sending hugs.

anne

Veteran

Vani, I am so sorry. What a rollercoaster of emotions you mush have been experiencing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Vani, I am so sorry. Many of the things you've written ring a lot of bells. I have not experienced the same loss as you, but have had losses that taught me one thing - they need to be given time and space to come to terms with. Grieving is a natural process and for whatever reason I think it's wrong not to grieve. As I see it, it closes the full circle of the loss. It might be frightening to think what could happen to you if you give space to all the emotions or how long will it last, but I think all the uncried tears or unspoken/unwritten words can hurt more and in the longer run. I am not a believer in "soldiering on". Sorry for being blunt, I'm just tying to express how grieving for my mum went. I thought I was doing fine for about 6 months, as her death was not sudden or unexpected, but then it had hit me - and it was really bad. But, I got to the other side, wiser if nothing else. I have seen too many dear people losing babies to miscarriages I know the two experiences may not be the same, but in the end it is how you deal with that loss.

I found your words of coming to the new country and forging through emotional and physical pain particularly poignant. As someone who lives far away from any family and old friends, the natural support network, I personally find it very difficult in times of any turmoil. I too go through it the best I can, but always give myself time and emotional space to deal with things. And it can be very difficult time for the relationship, but I still believe sharing the emotions will help you more.

I only wanted to add one more thing - there's nothing wrong in posting to look for sympathy and consolation. I actually think it is great you felt this was the place you could go to for that, regardless of your final decision. (I find you stronger for being this open, actually.)

I'm hugging you in my thoughts.

Mona

Veteran

Vani,
I am also an immigrant in Canada. I can totally relate to you saying "But since coming to this country (then completely foreign) all alone, it has become a way of life for me to forge on through emotional and physical pain."
I am sure things will be just fine.

crwilson

Veteran

Vani - I am so sorry that you've experienced so much turmoil lately. As others have said, I do think it's important to let yourself grieve if you need to, and to accept your feelings as they are. Rarely have I reacted to big life events the way that I was "supposed" to, and I've often wasted a lot of energy trying to make myself act like I thought I should be feeling. I'm glad that you reached out - I know that you'll find a lot of support, and that soothes the soul.

Ljubica

I'm sending a lot of love your way.
Be strong, take your time to recover and join us as soon as you can. Your beauty, grace and warmth are greatly missed here.

Louise

Veteran

Oh Vani I'm so sorry I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Take some time and space to get over your loss and there are plenty of listening ears and shoulders to cry on here if you need us xoxoxoxox

Jonesy

Veteran

I'm so sad to hear about your loss. The pain can feel so deep! Sending you gentle thoughts and kindness.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh, Vani. I'm so sorry. May you find peace in all this very soon. Sending comforting thoughts your way and try to nurture yourself too. We are here if you need us. ((HUGS)).

Isabel

Veteran

I am soooo sorry. One of the toughest things about a miscarriage is that we start to think that there is something wrong with us. There isn't. And it is a roller coaster and at certain times it does seep in when we least expect it.

I understand the whole immigrant mentality. My parents were and still are like that - part of it is that you don't want to burden other people. But, I think, that is what we are all here for : one another. This is a community, in every sense of the word and meaning. I used to chuckle at Hilary Clinton's book " It Takes a Village". But after my neighbors and I had children and our parents started getting ill, I really understood the meaning of that.

Vani, we are your Village.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Vani- I am so sorry!

MNsara

Veteran

Vani, I am so sorry for all you have gone through! Many women here have been through some of the same things, I hope you can draw strength and wisdom from their support. (((Hugs)))

Scarlet

Veteran

No wisdom from me, Vani, but I am sending hugs your way.

marianna

Veteran

Vani, I am so sorry. We are here whenever you need us.

taylor

Veteran

Very heavy heart for you Vani...we have missed your presence here and I fully understand now.

Sending you much love and comfort!

kellygirl

Veteran

Oh, Vani, I'm so sorry! I'm sending healing thoughts your way. Take care of yourself.

Kari

Veteran

Vani, what an overwhelming rollercoaster you've been on with so many exciting or sad changes in a short space of time.
Whether or not you had enough time to let the idea of a baby sink in, you are absolutely entitled to grieve this loss. And I hope, now that you are in your new home and have had a few months in your new job, that you are able to allow yourself time to mourn or just to stop and take some time to reflect on everything. Be gentle with yourself.
Please know that we're here for you - and we miss your presence and completely fab outfits, too. I'll be thrilled to see you posting more often when you are ready.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I went through the same thing 5 years ago and felt one of the most difficult parts of it was the turmoil the hormonal changes put you through. I felt a little mad (as in crazy) for awhile. I hope you are getting through that part alright. Like others have said, it's OK to grieve.

bella

(website)

Veteran

Big hugs from a fellow expat! I send you positive thoughts and am truly here for you if there is anything I can do.

firefly

Sending you my deepest sympathies.

Patty

Veteran

I'm pretty new here and from reading here lately and all the above posts you've certainly got a great support group here--it's a fantastic and supporting community.
The grief and the thoughts of what could have been are insidious---cry when you need to. Your husband may grieve differently but he should also know he can cry too.
I miscarried my first pregnancy and was taken over by the thoughts of what if it happens again --it didn't but I worried and obsessed just the same through three more pregnancies--not much help I know but I think with some people these things get hard wired in us and changes us--I know we are changed-----sorry for your loss and take time for you and your husband together.

Maya

Veteran

I'm so sorry Vani. I don't have any words of wisdom but I am sending support and healing thoughts your way.

catgirl

Veteran

Vani, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've had three, and each one was heartbreaking. It actually helped me to talk about it just to realize how many other women had gone through it and understood my feelings. There is nothing wrong with looking for sympahy and consolation when you need it, especially when you feel "alone" in a culture not your own... Sending lots of hugs to you and your husband.

Queen Mum

Veteran

Vani- I am so sorry to hear this news. Please take time to rest and grieve. hugs and prayers....

Vani

Veteran

Thank you so for such kind and supportive words. Physically, I'm doing better everyday, and mentally too A curious side effect is that I really want to splurge on something. I must have become a very discerning shopper since I'm finding it harder to shop for something, anything.

Before now I could only barely comprehend the feelings of loss and grief a miscarriage entails but now that I know, I would like to send great big bear hugs to everyone who has experienced it. I know it must be hard and I really appreciate your willingness to talk about it.

Ornella, I completely understand what you say about "soldiering on". It is something I am actively working on everyday - to allow myself to ask for help. One day at a time and with YLF's help I'm already better at it

Isabel, ((Hugs)) thank you so much, you have no idea how much that means to me.

Kirstie, how are you in my head? Honestly, I couldn't have said it better how DH and I feel right now. We consider it the silver lining that we know now for sure that we are ready and truly look forward to having kids. Thank you so much!!!

Patty, Una, ((HUGS)) thank you SO much for sharing.

Angie, ((((HUGS))))

Mac

Veteran

Vani - Big hugs to you. I had a miscarriage not long after Christmas and while I realise these experiences are unique to each of us, I know what a tough time it was for me and can imagine how you might have felt. All my best to you.

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