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On limits and balance - in clothes and in life

Helena

Veteran

Sorry to be such a chatty-Cathy lately; I guess the break did me good as I am now so energized with thoughts and ideas!

I've been thinking about a lot of the discussions going on lately, and it struck me that personally, I have become a little TOO obsessed with defining my style and wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE seeing the forum members who really have a signature look (Deborah and E. spring to mind, but there are so many others, and Angie of course), and I also think its important to have a sense of your personal style preferences, what works, etc. to avoid 'random closet syndrome' and have a functional wardrobe.

That said - one can limit too much, and this is a rut I think I've been stuck in. I resisted fluid fits "because I'm a tailored girl", I routinely buy and then purge color "because I'm a neutral girl", etc.. There's a rigidity here that is not helping me.

It's really not about numbers, or color vs. not - it's about the need for setting a course, defining a style, that still allows me to stop and smell the sartorial roses, maybe even take a detour along the way - without berating myself for lack of discipline, or worry that I'm compromising rules that ultimately are self-imposed anyway. It's about finding the balance between staying true to myself while still being able to grow. It's about knowing myself, in order to work with what's there, not in order to limit it.

This was really driven home to me the other day when I started considering studying for my editor certification to start a freelance business from home ... first thought: "... but I'm not an entrepreneurial person, I'm not one to drum up business, I'm not good at sales" ... um, excuse me, brain? I may not be a natural at those things, but why limit myself like that? So - the clothing piece may be somewhat symbolic, but what it symbolizes is important.

Not sure that this is even particularly coherent ... can anyone relate?

General

39 replies

Latest reply was from texstyle

Alassë

Veteran

(I'm enjoying your chattiness!) I think you can recognize your main style preferences and integrate a few wiildcards (for you, a coloured top and some fluid fits), without needing to change the landscape of your wardrobe.

Astrid

Veteran

Yes, definitely! I fell into this trap into the past. Defining my style as boho, fun etc, wearing colorful things, wearing scarves to change things up... I only started with that here on the forum and for the longest time I followed those rules I had set for myself even though I could have been happier much earlier just ditching all the color and pattern mixing and going back to more neutral looks (which is really more me). I think you need something more abstract to describe your style than neutral, tailored etc.! Those terms are very rigid in a way and don't have much room for leeway. So besides color and fit, how would you describe the styles you're drawn to? My style descriptors I settled on a while back are simple, grounded and feminine. I think they capture the mood I'm going for fairly well, but they don't restrict me because they are broad enough.

Anonymous

I do understand. I undertook defining a signature look for myself because I thought if I analyzed what I wore and what I didn't wear in my wardrobe, I would be less inclined to follow trends that don't and won't work for me.

Don't get me wrong. I adore fashion. I love looking at it. I love talking about it. But I don't necessarily want to wear fashion that makes me, me personally, look like a fashion victim (and I gotta guess I have looked liked a fashion victim on occasion because I will try anything once).

By understanding what basics need to be in my closet to suit my style and accommodate my life, I can make wiser purchases. Does this mean that I won't buy the fuchsia leather purse because it is not a neutral? No. It means I might not buy wool sweaters because no matter how much people tell me it won't bother me, it always does. I also have to understand that although I love luxury athletic wear, I won't wear it in public because I look ridiculous. I can look all I want, but I mustn't buy because it won't get worn and why spend money on pieces that I won't wear?

Perhaps I do need rules? Maybe my rules are really more of a set of guidelines to manage my wardrobe budget wisely?

Sara L.

Veteran

I like Astrid's descriptors because they aren't as restricting as limiting to colors or silhouettes. Colors and silhouettes change with the trends and broad descriptors can help define your style without restricting it. I usually think "sleek" and "feminine" when I'm shopping. I need to remind myself to stay away from ruffles and the like. Also, styles that are too masculine or tomboyish don't work for me either. I'm occasionally drawn to those styles but then don't wear them if I buy them.

Anonymous

Oh. Style descriptors.

Honestly, I never liked having to define my style with two or three terms. There was no way I could possibly fit into such narrow categories. I change with the season. What I gravitate to in the dead of winter is very much different then what I would select in the summer.

Astrid

Veteran

Sterling, I definitely think that they don't work for everyone and you don't have to have them. Although I have to say that I do find them helpful to keep me from straying too for away from the path (which is a bad idea with a small wardrobe). And I don't find mine very narrow at all, especially because the ratios can differ. And my own definition of the terms might change too. It's all just my own interpretation in the end. Someone else might pick totally different outfits using these terms as guidance.

Helena

Veteran

Thanks everyone for the wisdom, as always! Astrid, I will give some thought to style descriptors that more relate to the qualities or "vibe" I prefer, rather than the specifics of the clothes themselves. I definitely agree that some definition is essential with a smaller wardrobe ... I feel I just took it a little too far, wanting hard-and-fast rules such as "I only wear black and white" or some-such ... I also wanted the rules to universally be recognized as correct, if only for me. Clearly I have some inner work to do here ...

Sterling you touch on a great point also - for example, in summer I love to wear contrast as I love white pants and shorts; however, white is totally impractical for me in the winter, so I tend to wear lower contrast. It could be that descriptors do need to change for the seasons, or even for the capsule - for example, my loungewear might need to be relaxed, with more professional wear being crisp.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I think I understand your feeling. I think a bit of analysis is good, but it can get overdone and overthought. When I feel like it's all getting a little too tortured, I remember Angie's main rule of style: Have fun with fashion. IMHO, getting too sucked into rules and numbers and descriptors can leave little room for experimentation, play, and just plain fun. As as with everything else, we all have different ideas of what is fun and what balance works best for our lives and our personalities. It sounds like you're figuring that out!

Anonymous

This is why I focused on silhouettes and stayed away from defining colors/patterns/fabrics/lengths. This way I can get a sense of what I wear and what I don't wear (and why!!!).

Astrid -- I do think the primary purpose of style descriptors is to serve as a guide. When I tried to use style descriptors, I didn't have a clear idea what "modern classic" or "minimalist" meant and, as a consequence, I lacked the framework I needed to make wise purchases. In fact, I could literally wrangle those terms to support any purchase I desired. Thus, the fashion victim......

This has been a fun thought process. I believe that whatever method we use to plan our wardrobes is a good one if we are happy. There was a time when I spent far money more on clothing and literally didn't have a thing to wear. I am mortified to admit that I bought clothing that struck my fancy and my fantasy. I adored them (as works of art), but they were not wearable. It took me five long years to begin to realize the problem and start adjusting my purchases. If I am rigid right now, perhaps it really is for the best.

I currently dress in capsules. For the first time ever, I have clothes that I love and that I can wear to any function that comes up (except maybe a ball). I actually spend less money too. I'm still learning though. In another four years, I may be saying something completely different. I hope though that I never lose my love of fashion.

thimblelina

(website)

Veteran

I think it's the 'always/never' way of thinking that creeps in & robs our wardrobe of joy. There are plenty of things that I know in advance I often or usually like; but I love to be surprised and delighted by the occasional unimagined one-off that comes flying at me from left field and somehow just works with everything else!
Another observation: I like for my finishing pieces (like toppers, or shoes & boots) to be very different from one another. My jackets right now are a classic black pleather moto, a tailored Nehru collar army jacket, a chocolate suede car coat that looks very '70s, and a traditional jean jacket in gray pin cord. The colors are dull enough for them to mix & match but I would get very bored if they were all cut alike.

unfrumped

Veteran

Yes, good thoughts, and both ways. First, have fun with fashion (not too many rules and limits) and second, have fun with fashion, don't feel forced to do so much experimentation that it is overwhelming and takes too much time.

Peri

Veteran

I for one have never understood the thinking that we only have one style. I think if you like something and it makes you happy, it is your style. I get closet cohesiveness for sure, but what is the fun of only being strictly one thing? Like a signature perfume. I want to smell the same thing everyday forever? Or, because I love Chopin best I can't love Bach? Or all of my friends have to have the same interests? Variety is the spice of life!

Staysfit

Veteran

This is so interesting. I found that by really thinking carefully about my style, and coming up with some style descriptors, I have actually felt more free. I have more variety, and more play amongst the items within my closet. I no longer have that tendency to purchase multiples (ie. Repeatedly buying Ivory blouses) I also feel better with much less.

I originally came up with five descriptor words which interestingly fit my personality fairly well. When I consolidate my style down to two words it is Composed Creative. I already know that Composed Creative applies to all aspects of my life because I developed it using the book Style Statement, recommended to me by Suz, some time ago. CC that's me!

approprio

(website)

Veteran

Limits are essential to successful living. In my work as a designer, I've found that setting boundaries in one area will almost invariably free my up in another.

I've followed no such restrictions in populating my closet, but there are definite rules of engagement. For instance, I need to *immediately* think of at least three ways to style something before I'm allowed to drop the cash. I have particular standards of quality and fit that a new piece has to meet. I limit where I shop and the number of things I'm allowed to buy, so every purchase has an opportunity cost.

But like Sterling, I'm somewhat resistant to style descriptors, because I find it enjoyable and useful to vary my presentation according to the situation and my wardrobe is very seasonal. Nonetheless, when I started analysing things earlier this year, I did discover a few distinct styles and personae at work in my presentation. I'm currently working on defining all these looks a bit more clearly, around silhouettes and colour schemes as well as the specific personae.

I've also found it helpful to separate out fashion personae from stylistic objectives. Am I meeting clients or suppliers, supervisors or students today? Do I want to be scary or approachable? Masculine or feminine? Or just plain casual or formal? What gets me respect in the business meeting is not necessarily going to get me served quickly at the bar.

What Torontogirl says about variable capsules makes a lot of sense to me. When I'm packing for a trip I always do a streamlined capsule edit that covers as many bases as possible, and I always find it a very satisfying exercise to build a flexible wardrobe around as few pieces as possible. But these capsules can vary widely from trip to trip.

I know Astrid would disagree with me, as is her admirable prerogative, but I really need more than one look to do all this, and sometimes you can get great results setting the simplest of ground rules and letting things evolve naturally from there.

Astrid

Veteran

I second Staysfit, I felt more free after setting myself some restrictions, if broad ones. It suddenly felt very easy to pass on those pieces I would have bought before and never worn. Also I don't feel like I'm lacking variety. I have enough variety in my wardrobe to change it up as much as I want to. But then I'm not an eclectic dresser.

ETA @approprio

You're right, I disagree with you - were it me in your shoes. But this is me and my personal opinion and you're not me.

Helena

Veteran

Peri, you nailed it - if I love something, but it's "not me", well maybe I need to consider whether an expanded understanding of "me" is in order ... Staysfit, in no way to I mean to imply that definition is not useful, even invaluable, for many of us - I certainly need and benefit from them. I just think I was so caught up with it that I was strangling the joy out of it ... over-analysis, as Janet and thimbelina allude to.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts; this is a great thread! I must re-visit the Style Statement book - it might provide a good balance between structure and space ...

E

Veteran

I loved reading your thoughts & found them very coherent. (Thnx for the shout out too!)

Honestly, I feel like my 'storybook gamine' guideline is loose enough to allow a lot of latitude. I frequently dress quirkily, but then sometimes I'm in a more quiet/restrained mood and then I'll thrown on simpler neutral combinations. Full skirts are more vintage looking than skinnies, but I wear both. If I come across something I can't resist in a thrift store, I'll bring it home & see if there's a way I can work it into my wardrobe. This has led me to begin to realise that I quite like fuller trousers too, although I'm not sure yet what that means long-term in terms of my wardrobe! As another example, I've learned over the past couple of years that sometimes I want a lower neckline, particularly a square or scoop one, instead of my usual crew/higher round necklines that I thought I *always* needed to be wearing to feel comfortable. That was a false self-imposed rule for sure.

I am strictest when it comes to my colour palette, because I'm easily overwhelmed or jaundiced by the wrong colours, and I'm fussy about wanting to look my best colour-wise, but even with that I still have a lot of colours and neutrals in my closet. That's why I have an extensive closet, so that I can make at least one outfit to reflect pretty much any mood I might be in.

You already have your core essentials in place, so letting yourself more space to play should work really well for you! A few fluid fit items will combine beautifully with your tailored ones, some colourful items would work well with your neutrals, etc. As long as you feel comfortable in them!

I've blathered on for far too long, and I'm not sure if this is even helpful to you. But it sounds like you've come to a great realisation & I hope it lets you enjoy dressing more in the future!

Anonymous

A big part of me rebels at the notion of assigning myself 2 or 3 or 4 style monikers and then buying accordingly. I don't think I can identify the way I dress in words, nor is being able to do that really interesting or helpful to me. I know what I like, know what works by now, and can figure out by looking at clothes in a store or on a website which ones I want to consider.

It's quite possible I'm missing the point, but I don't personally see the value in names. It's not as if the clothes in a store are labelled as such either. I prefer to let the process happen organically, rather than by identifying which pieces I should consider based on my look.

With having just gone through a major closet purge, my goal is to buy carefully, making sure the pieces fill a role or a need and that nothing is extraneous. I have been feeling a little like exploring a more feminine way of dressing lately and want to be able to do that without feeling that because it's not one of my predictable style descriptors that I'm making a mistake. And I think even using a descriptor like " feminine" is going to mean different things to different people. To me it has to do with new colours and fabrications and less to do with a new silhouette or detail preferences. Astrid and I are never going to reach for the same clothes, but we both may choose the word "feminine" in our thinking . Anyways - this is all very interesting, and I now have no idea what I'm talking about

gryffin

Veteran

TG - I can so relate to what you say. Developing a personal style is all about refusal. The tough thing is everyone lauds picking signature outfits and a personal uniform, right up until the time it conflicts with what is deemed "current" Then you face the potential for negative feedback from people who place value or find comfort in being "on trend." Suz made a comment on her food thread that "I'm not afraid to go my own way" which is completely true. Personal style is all about being willing to go your own way - it's not a rut it's a definition that will change, morph, evolve as we do in a continuous organic way. I'm not sure, how you feel, when you use the word rigid. I like what I like, my tastes evolve but the essense of what I like is relatively constant. I only see "rigid" as refusal to be open to evolution, having a defined outlook is to me, at least, freeing. It lets me choose to wear what I like despite what is in style - it allows me to be happy going my own way. Speaking of which, good for you quieting those negative voices in your head. As Blake said, the worse chains are our own "mind forged manacles." No one defines you but you, only you set limits on your ability!! You go girl!!

jackiec

Veteran

Hey I love your chattiness, TG! Your thoughts and analysis are well put. I haven't given myself any sort of style descriptor, and I don't enjoy becoming too analytical about my closet. As is the case with food for me, as soon as I slap on a restriction or a name, I bust out and binge or go the other way. I am learning more and more what works for me, and what tends not to work. This makes it easier when shopping and rules out a lot of things. Not that I won't try, but I can understand better why things do and do not work. I am more of an emotional dresser, and to Suz' point (which I didn't get a chance to comment on - food is a funny animal for me), I am an emotional eater as well. I digress, but I do enjoy reading everyone's take and following the thread.

Coming back to add - I've always been a type A and sometimes to my detriment. Chasing perfection can be a dangerous road for me. I enjoy my closet and enjoy adding to/subtracting from it. As soon as I get too analytical, I enjoy it less. I don't like to feel like I'm failing or the fun is lost. Hmm. Maybe I'm rambling.

Astrid

Veteran

Coming back to say that of course I'm not picking pieces starting out with my style descriptors in mind. When I shop I have a look and see whether something grabs my attention. I then apply the style descriptors and try to see how it might work in my wardrobe and if it would be a helpful acquisition to get a step further towards the style I have in mind. Because I like many things it isn't very helpful to me to just buy what I'm drawn to. I would end up with a mess and nothing would work together.

Liz

Veteran

TG, was it here or another thread where you mentioned "getting it right"? I think that's the crux. If our personal style guidelines define a narrow slot that is "right" and everything else is "wrong," I think that's where we can get ourselves into trouble.

If style guidelines help rule out some possibilities so that we are free not to have to deal with them, then that's freeing.

E

Veteran

I use my style descriptors the same way Astrid does.

Helena

Veteran

So much wisdom and food for thought in this thread ... thanks everyone! lisap, you're final sentence in particular put a smile on my face as that is how I feel most days!!

approprio

(website)

Veteran

Gryffin says:
Developing a personal style is all about refusal. The tough thing is everyone lauds picking signature outfits and a personal uniform, right up until the time it conflicts with what is deemed "current" Then you face the potential for negative feedback from people who place value or find comfort in being "on trend."

This.
It's very hard to break out of the cycle of seeking approval and this judgement of currency always seems to me to be the most harsh and arbitrary. I've long suspected that it's connected to our insecurity about ageing. Once we hit 40 we're not supposed to let on how old we are, and any indication that we might be out of date gives the game away. I don't think its a coincidence that menswear is far more timeless and much harder to link to a specific year or fashion cycle.

ETA Astrid, that's a nice approach to style descriptors. Works the same way as my 3-ways-to-style rule.

gryffin

Veteran

Approprio - that's an interesting take on things. Am I out of step or literally out of time. Kind of a "Moonstruck " moment but in the movie it was men fearing death. Insightful that with women it could be fear of aging and aging oneself. I must ponder this. But kind of nice to know that clearly does not have power over me at least sartorially. Also I gravitate to menswear styles - is that striving to be timeless or to place myself outside of time. Fascinating.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Please chat away TG, this thread is wonderful. I do think labels can be helpful but, generally, they should come from what you choose to wear rather than determine it in the first place. Everyone has interesting thoughts I am going to reread later. I love what Approprio had to say about limitations and freedom. I agree. Also am intrigued by Gryffin's association with fear of feminine aging and need to be current. And style is refusal. Of course, that.

Deborah

Veteran

Great post and thank you for sharing this. May I just "ditto" Gryffin:). Her first comment absolutely communicates how I feel. I find having a defined style incredibly liberating because I am dressing as I want. I also feel totally at liberty to go "off brand" with a garment IF I like how I look and how I feel in it, and it does help if it works in with other pieces in my wardrobe. As Gryffin stated "the essence of what I like remains constant" and has for many years now but it's only been recently that I have fully embraced this. We are multi faceted human beings, we are not one dimensional and I would assume that this would be reflected in our individual style and what makes out style "individual".

Helena

Veteran

Thanks everyone for your wonderful comments; I have read and re-read this thread, it is very rich indeed.

Gryffin and Deborah, I have to say a big "yes" to what you are saying - that is my end-game here, you've articulated it perfectly. The great good that comes from defining your style is the freedom to pursue your style free of the pressure of trends, opinions, etc. When you are grounded in a defined style, it frees you to take what works and leave the rest. You are both style role-models to me (Gryffin, even having not seen you!) so it's important to me that you know - you represent the goal! I see no rigidity in what you guys do - I see freedom. I just wonder if maybe I'm not quite there yet ...

This week I just was alerted in my mind to the possibility that I may have tried to get there too soon, cutting out things that actually hold a genuine appeal to me - perhaps trying to appropriate successes like yours rather than figuring out my own path?? (not sure on that one, thinking "out loud" here ...)

Liz, I think you nailed it for me!
Thx one and all!! xx

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