Need some Mom therapy!! - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Need some Mom therapy!!

Helena

Veteran

Hi there,

Hoping I can ask the moms and anyone else with wisdom to share for some encouragement. My husband has won a contest at work, which means we are going on a dream trip for 4 nights in June. I am incredibly lucky and grateful, but I also am very frightened - I've never left my kids before where it is the two of us and I am terrified of something happening to us. Has anyone else experienced this type of anxiety and do you have any tips or advice? I know at some point we need to separate and I know it's technically more dangerous when we drive to the mall together vs. flying, etc. ... but somehow that is not comforting I've missed trips before with my husband because of this anxiety and he's really put his foot down on this one (and I don't blame him), so there is no way out of it ... help! And sorry to sound whiny; I really do know that I am very privileged to have this "problem".

Off Topic

26 replies

Latest reply was from Elle

Alassë

Veteran

Having trusted people take care of your children will help a lot. Do you have any who are available? (Or are your children old enough to be on their own?)

Helena

Veteran

Yes alasse, thank God my parents will stay at our house to keep the babes in their routine. Btw my "babies" are 9 and 7 lol!

Aziraphale

Veteran

I don't know what to say that will help. You have said all the right things. You are clearly an intelligent woman who realizes that this anxiety is irrational. I've definitely felt it before -- I left my six-month-old baby with my parents while we took our four-and-a-half-year-old to Disneyland! But it turned out to be a really good idea. My parents were thrilled for the chance to cuddle their beloved grandson for five whole days, and really bonded with him. My daughter got to go all over Disneyland in the sweltering heat without being slowed down by an infant on whom the experience would have been lost anyway. And although the plane ride down was a nail-biting one for me, I learned to relax eventually.

The only suggestion I can offer is to get on that plane and suffer through it -- the acute anxiety will pass. There has to be a first time for everything! And like you said, your babies are not babies anymore. Honestly, what are the chances of the plane going down? Very, very tiny, as you well know.

rachylou

Veteran

Check in with yourself periodically to see if you're holding your breath or tensing your shoulders. If you find you are, take a breath and exhale solely.

Also, don't try to talk this one out, discuss and examine your feelings with - for example - your husband. Sharing your feelings is one thing, but examination without time limits is another. That just deepens the scratch in the record that gets the needle stuck in the anxiety groove. It's like picking at a wound.

Anonymous

When I had this kind of problem, there was a force field of anxiety that rational thinking was not going to disperse, because it wasn't about how likely it was that the disaster would happen, it was about what if it did.
So I just started walking through it as objectively as I could, picturing who would be involved and what their involvement would be.
Inevitably it was about acknowledging that my way wasn't the only way, and having faith that while their life would be different that didn't mean bad.
These separations can be reminders of how important it is to teach self preservation and emotional self management to our children, which is true all the time of course, but easy to ignore in the comfort of daily routine.

Anonymous

I tend to have my parents look after my boy. He's 11 and they've been doing it for years. He loves it. He goes to their house, 10 mins away and gets to sleep in a big bed and get spoiled rotten by my mum and dad, who absolutely dote on him. You know, you're only a phone call away and I'm sure they will be fine. It's tough doing it the first time but once you've done it you'll wonder why you waited so long.

Helena

Veteran

Thank you ladies; I am welling up with gratitude for the support. xoxo

Kim

Veteran

Is the anxiety being created by a fear of flying? You said that you don't have it when you and hubs drive to the mall together, etc. If so, I have a place that can help you with that. PM me.

Tina

Veteran

I have been where you are more than once. I think, for me, one of the keys is to be prepared in the event that something should happen. Knowing we've done what we could to lessen the red tape and the nightmare that a tragedy brings on those left behind.
You are not alone in your thinking and knowing that it is irrational does not erase the anxiety that wants to come (of course it's usually at night when there is really nothing proactive you can do about it).
It sounds as though you have a best case scenario as far as leaving your children while taking a nice break with your husband!

crutcher

Veteran

I have been just where you are and I probably reacted more acutely than you are...I even had the will updated...I look back on that trip and I am so glad I forced myself to leave the chick and go...I had a wonderful time and I have a treasure of memories...Just take a deep breath, have a drink if that helps,get on the plane and pretend you and DH are not married and are going away for a little tryst...Yum..that sounds delicious...

Sal

Veteran

You have had lots of wise words, I do understand what it can be like, however I think once you get on the plane you will feel better. With Skype and FaceTime etc you can contact your children once a day to catch up.

I also get nervous before flying but just get through it....our business is aeronautical engineering so I know how safe it all is:)

greycat6

Veteran

My husband calls this catastrophizing and I am a pro. You have lots of good advice here and it sounds like your rational brain knows what to do. Unfortunately, catastrophizing doesn't deal on the rational part of your brain. My only advice is to make a plan for the worst possible scenario - which WILL NOT happen. Once you know what you would do in the worst possible situation, everything else is a piece of cake because nothing else could possibly be that bad. Having some control, in the form of a plan, always gives me piece of mind.

You will get through it! Just don't be too crushed when you get home and the kids act like they didn't even miss you.

greycat6

Veteran

My husband calls this catastrophizing and I am a pro. You have lots of good advice here and it sounds like your rational brain knows what to do. Unfortunately, catastrophizing doesn't deal on the rational part of your brain. My only advice is to make a plan for the worst possible scenario - which WILL NOT happen. Once you know what you would do in the worst possible situation, everything else is a piece of cake because nothing else could possibly be that bad. Having some control, in the form of a plan, always gives me piece of mind.

You will get through it! Just don't be too crushed when you get home and the kids act like they didn't even miss you.

Deborah

Veteran

I wish I could come and give you a big hug. I go through such anxiety when Master 12 goes on school camp and aside from that we have never been away from him together for more than two nights:) and he was staying with my very best girlfriend and her family so I was confident that he was safe and cared for... the worry was more about what if something happens to us. I think it is probably one of the perfectly normal irrational fears that we parents have the job of experiencing. I just realised I have to trust! For me it's my trust in God but of course it can be other things. This may not help but at least you know you are not alone.

Gail

Veteran

Gosh I feel your pain. I have been traveling back and forth to visit family in the UK for years. I always go alone and my anxiety levels when my children were younger were through the roof. Once I actually got to the airport and on the plane it would lessen as I knew that there was nothing I could do at that point. I had no-one to look after them apart from my husband who worked 2 hours away and long hours. The anticipation was much worse than the reality for me.
When my Father died 6 years ago I insisted that my husband and I flew separately for safety as at that time we did not even have a will! We finally got one done after that , but we still haven't flown together ( situation has not arisen) without the children. I use the term children very loosely , mine are 26, 23 and 20 , call me crazy:)
Enjoy your trip and try to relax.

gardenchick

Veteran

I do tend to get a bit anxious about the idea of being away from my kids, so I empathize! And the anxiety dissipates once I'm having a great adventure Without fail, I come back and things are just as they were, they're going about their normal lives....and then I ask myself why I got so anxious! They will be okay, you'll have a great time. Enjoy

Classically Casual

Veteran

One small comfort might be that it could actually be beneficial for your children to be apart from you for a short time. It could broaden their horizens a little and help them begin to develop independence. As for flying itself, I require prescription meds....

Enjoy your wonderful trip!!

Gaylene

Veteran

I think everyone has their own quirks and anxieties, so I can totally empathize with your feelings. Telling someone they ought to get over their feelings doesn't work--we feel what we feel and feelings can't be turned off like a faucet.

But I'm thinking, along with CC, that you might want to consider getting some help to deal with your anxieties for your children's sake, especially since they are moving into the upper stages of childhood. An overly anxious parent can really stunt a child's need to develop self-confidence and independence. I really think the hardest part of being a parent is to encourage your kids to venture away from your protection and care, to take risks, and to learn to cope with difficulties and solve problems by themselves. It goes against every instinct you have, but is the greatest gift you can give them.

Sometimes, as parents, we need to let our our kids learn we aren't the only ones who can support and care for them. Your husband's instincts are probably good ones. Go on the trip, fake your feelings in front of the kids, and consider it a gift to them. As long as you've left them in good hands, they will be fine. You might be a wreck, but, hey, that's par for the course when you are a parent.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Sounds like you've gotten great advice here - I was going to say think of the alternative - meaning the disappointment of DH and of yourself. Do you really want that disappointment and anxiety to be part of your life moving forward? I doubt it. Go and have a wonderful time.

DonnaF

Veteran

The first time apart is probably the hardest. Is there any way you can leave your kids for two nights in May, perhaps with your parents? Or with friends with whom you can reciprocate? That small dry run may help to prepare you for the longer separation in June so that you can be more fully present with your husband on your dream trip.

My daughter's preschool had sleepovers for the kids on Valentine's night so that the parents could have a date night. The first time around the parents didn't know what to do with themselves. The second time, no one lingered and they couldn't wait to do drop off! Of course, the kids had no problems as they knew the caregivers, knew their sleeping/napping mats, etc.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Mind you I'm not a parent, so feel free to ignore,
I'd be careful with showing your anxiety to your children. At some point they'll need to be functional independent adults. I had a good friend who helicoptered his kid, that when it came time for sleepovers, the kid would always bail, asking to picked up in the middle of the night.
I went to my first sleep away camp in fourth grade and absolutely loved it. I couldn't understand the girls crying in the cabin at night.
Also I've seen women that define their entire existence based on their children. And then they are completely lost when the children leave home

Daria

I had to travel last year and had the same irrational fear (kids stayed with my husband and my parents). I tortured myself for weeks leading to the trip, but was fine once at the airport. The kids did great though.

Summer

Veteran

I can't allay your fears, TG, because you know that they are irrational, but I can tell you that your children will gain coping skills and confidence from some time away from you. You are making excellent plans for their care while you are away, and you know that they will be safe no matter what. If you can take that first step to go ahead with this trip, it will make things so much easier for the next time. Good luck.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I can tell you that skyping with my kids while we are away is the only comforting thing for me.. We usually skype in the morning and then again when we are in the room changing for dinner and depending on time differences when we go back to our room at night.. If we have a later night then we skip that one. My kids have had tours of our castles when we were in Ireland... We even took my husband's tablet to dinner one night and the entire crowd danced for them and Irish musician dedicated a song to them all via skype.. it's like they were with us, such fun...

DH misses them sometimes more than I do, LOL!

Helena

Veteran

Thanks so much everyone - feeling a bit stronger about it. Great wisdom from everyone; texstyle, you've coined my mantra thought - if I give in to fearfulness, that means it defines my life - that's not good for me, or my kids! Thanks one and all xoxo

Elle

Veteran

You are not alone in your anxieties and it's not wrong to feel that way. But I think this trip will probably be good for you and for the children. You know they will be well taken care of and it is important to your husband that you go. Children can handle separation very well (and it never hurts to bring back a present.) I agonized over my first trip away from my children and then found out that they barely missed me.