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Looking your age

Traci

Veteran

I was asking about the age appropriateness of a couple of new dresses and it sparked a potential conversation starter about what it means to look our age.
Since turning 35 or so, I receive what I think is intended as a compliment, fairly regularly, when I'm told that I don't look old enough to have kids my kid's age.
I just turned 40, and my oldest is 17. So, I was 23 when I had her. Not crazy young.
I feel pretty confident that I have all the physical markers of a 40 year old woman. If asked to guess my age, most people peg me right on, or at most a friendly couple of years younger.

So, it brings about a question for me. What is it with this comment about not looking old enough to ...
The first few times it happened, I thought it was just a person fishing to give a compliment. Part of the oddness here is that I don't really see it as a compliment. I'm this age, and I'm happy with that. I'm not interested in having lived less years.
I also wonder if it's some sort of a slight, especially when I hear it in work situations. Does the "not old enough to..." comment carry with it some sort of subtext about maturity, or competency?

I also tend to be a rather chipper and smiley person. I've wondered if this is the opposite problem to resting bitch face?

If this sort of overanalyzing bores you to tears, my apologies. But for any of you who like to dig into this sort of commentary, what are your thoughts?

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33 replies

Latest reply was from Irene

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I don't have children, so that marker is not there for comparison. I do still get carded for wine sometimes at the store (every year at least) and I'm just barely older than Angie at 44.
I suppose the only "you can't be old enough" comment that I would get is when I would explain that I was at my pub job bartending for 20 years. I'd get looks and exclamations that I couldn't possibly have been old enough to be tending bar 20 years. I don't think it was a put down or derogatory. Just a 'whoa, I don't think so!" kind of response.
I don't mind either way, and am okay with folks thinking I look younger. I'd rather hear you look good, not you look young I guess.

Traci

Veteran

Interesting that you mention carding, Mo. I think I've been carded once in the last 18 years. I was even out to dinner with a friend my age, and my family, not long ago, I ordered, not carded, she ordered and he carded her. I firmly believe that I really do look my age. That's part of what confuses me about the comments.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

I think it may be the current trend of having kids after 30. 23 is pretty early now (I had my first one at 21 ). A lot of people in their 40s have kids in elementary school so here is a perception.
I got this comment all the time when people find out my oldest is 25!

Diana

Veteran

I'm 34 and don't have children so I have a slightly different perspective than you, but I've been told my whole life that I look younger than I am. Only in the last couple of years have I become ok with this, and even then ONLY in non-professional situations.

I know I DO look young, or at least of indeterminate age. Partly it's because I'm short, and a lot has to do with genetics. It's notoriously hard to tell how old Asians are. My mom was constantly told she looked 30 when she was almost 50. In fact, one time someone told my dad, "what a beautiful daughter and granddaughters you have." (ouch!). My grandma is 90+ and looks 60. You get the idea. I'm sure I'll be glad of it when I get older.

That said, it annoys me to no end when it happens in a work setting. I work somewhere where professors, post docs, grad students, and undergrads all mingle and it's not always immediately clear who is who. It's also very casual. I would say I dress sharper than 90% of people there. I'm the only person at work that regularly wears a blazer. Yet I routinely get mistaken for a student. This worries me because I am getting ready to apply for assistant professor jobs!

There are things I do to appear older (wearing specs, shorter hair, wearing things like blazers) but they seem to be of limited effectiveness.

And I DO have resting bitch face. It apparently does not help in my case.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I agree with Sveta. I also say that when a person has beautiful skin and looks happy/rested but it turns out they have 3 teen boys. (Sometimes I ask if they use Dove.)

It's just a friendly compliment. I'm sorry to hear it rubs you the wrong way. I'd assume positive intent.

Diana

Veteran

Interesting about the kids thing too. I see it a bit differently though. Around here and esp in academia, like Sveta mentions, many people have their first kid after 30 after they're done with grad school. So if you have a kid, that's a signifier of being OLDER (for someone around my age.)

Traci

Veteran

Sveta, that is a good point about people having kids later. I am younger than many of my daughter's friend's parents, but not by an unbelievable amount!

Diana, I am short as well. I think that may play a part in it.

IK, it mostly rubs me the wrong way because it just doesn't seem quite sincere. I DO look my age. I don't get carded for alcohol and haven't since my early 20's. If I ask someone to guess my age, they usually do. I've even pushed a little further when I got the "don't look old enough to..." and have said "Could I pass for *age minus 5-7 years*?" to which they agree that I could not.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Interesting, Traci. I tend to think that Sveta might be right. I didn't have my daughter until I was 40 and know lots of others in that situation. So some of us have skewed perceptions as a result of that.

As one of those older mothers, I think I may have said this to friends with much older children occasionally -- even if they do "look their age." Sometimes it is less a comment about the individual than about the shocking way time flees on us. You know...it was only yesterday that WE were the age of our kids, blah blah blah.

I am also one of those who grew up looking much younger than my age. I occasionally got carded at the liquor store well into my 30s, and even a few times in my early 40s, though it does not happen now. People often assume I am younger than my brother (who is 7 years younger than me.) People sometimes think I am my mother's grand-daughter. Now, that is bizarre, since she was an older mother too (she was 33 when I was born). But...whatever.

I don't think I look particularly younger than my age now, but I do look younger than a lot of others my age, if that makes any sense. I don't mind either way --- I'm happy to be the age I am and I am not purposely trying to look younger, although I am trying to look youthful or rather current, and energetic. (The "youth" part really isn't crucial -- it's more the "currency" that I am after.)

In work settings, I suppose it could be a reflection of how seriously one is taken, although not necessarily. I guess you'd have to judge by other factors there -- if you are treated as "less than" and passed over than maybe it is a disadvantage. OTOH in a youthful company or one whose managers put a priority on youth or youthful ideas and energy, it could be a distinct advantage. All depends.

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

I hear you... This is a complicated one for me. I will be 42 in nearly a month and I have been mistaken as younger all my life! As a teenager and all the the way through my 30's I found that annoying and somewhat demeaning. I really wanted to be taken more seriously. I do have to admit though, that I am enjoying it a little since turning 40. But I'm still conflicted. I still sometimes feel as though people give me the metaphorical pat on the head. I think that you are right about demeanor and expression playing a part. No matter what I wear or how I style myself, people always read my expression as young and innocent. It's just the way that I look. So I have learned to feel flattered with the young comments and try to prove by my work and my life that I have substance to offer as well. When people care enough to dig deeply, they often find surprising things. I had a man on an airplane ask all of the right questions, and after hearing my whole life story, he surprisedly exclaimed "wait! How old are you?!" So sometimes it's like having a little buried treasure...

ironkurtin

Veteran

If you're getting that compliment a lot, I would assume it is sincere. I wouldn't dissect compliments so much! You'll suck the joy right out of them. Perhaps the people saying it simply aren't creative enough to say what they really mean - that you have a lovely energy, or carry yourself with lightness, or something - so they fall back on what's easy. In any case, they are trying to forge a bond with you, and unless they're trying to sell you something, I'd just roll with it.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hahaha, love that, IK. "Unless they are trying to sell you something..."

Echo

Veteran

I agree with IK. Often when people are joyful or seem radiant or just plain happy, people notice. But many people cannot put their finger on what it is, and fall back on the easy way out of saying you look younger. It is as common in the scenario you describe (them finding out you have teenaged children) as commenting on the weather, for some reason. I think it is just something nice to say, and it happens to a lot of people. Don't over-analyze what strangers are thinking/saying, because it often really doesn't mean anything at all.

I have "radio voice", and people - men especially - would be fascinated by the fact that I don't have a high pitched, breathy, or feminine manner of speaking. So what did they say? They asked if I was a chain-smoker! Here I was, 20 years old and in college, working in a record store, and people would first ask if I was on the radio, and then they would ask where/how I got a voice like that. When I told them it was standard on this model, they fell back on the idea that something had to make my voice that way, and they settled on chain-smoking. Odd, but people are weird.

Parsley

Veteran

Well, I think people mean that sort of compliment in a nice way, so I take it as such.
I'm 60 and sometimes get that sort of thing about not being old enough to have grandkids in middle school. I do have all the usually signs of being my age, but I am energetic and dress in an up-to-date way, so I guess I give off a youthful vibe if you don't look too close! I just say thank you, and don't question their motives.
I guess I believe in not looking a gift horse in the mouth!
(unless they're trying to sell you something, as IK says... )

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

What IK and Sveta said.

These days, people have kids well over the age of 30 and 40, so it's unusual to know someone 40 with a 17 year old daughter. Most of my friends who are 40 have very young children - even babies. And I would absolutely assume positive intent. I've met you in person Traci, and you're a lovely, happy, chipper person. Of course people want to compliment you. xo

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I hear this sometimes (I'm "not old enough" to have started working in radio 30 years ago) and yeah, sometimes it might be a bit of flattery at work, but I am never bothered by these kinds of remarks. I'm 49, and I'll be honest, I'm vain enough that I don't want to look *older* than I am. If I look my age or younger, that's great. I say take it as a compliment.

I've heard that I don't seem old enough to be my stepsons' mom, which is funny because it comes from people who assume they are my sons. My first reaction was "Oh, I'm not old enough" because their mom is 8 years older than I am, but chronologically speaking, I easily could be their mother -- I would have had them in my early 20s which is totally feasible and not weird at all.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

I too get that I look younger than my age but it doesn't bother me one bit, although I do feel (and possibly look) my age now. I' ll take a compliment like that anytime.

By the way, Most of my friends who've had children were all in their 30s.

Adelfa

Veteran

I get that too. My mom always told me that having acne meant I'd look younger when I was older so maybe that's it! Also I had my kids young and people are surprised when they find out the girls are 27 and 29. My oldest friend who is my age has a four year old.

Thistle

Veteran

As the others have said, I think it is the changing times where women are having babies older.

I was 35 when I had DD, and I was the average age in my doctor's practice of women having first time babies. More women are getting married later, too. Average age for women to get married is now 27 with the average age of first birth 30. That does not take into account geographic and socioeconomic variations.

What IK said. Take the compliments and roll with them!

Lyn D.

Veteran

I would rather be told that I look just plain 'good', but will take any and all compliments with a smile!

JAileen

Veteran

I remember when I was 37 I got carded at the grocery store for trying to buy beer along with the other groceries. My six year old was along. I thought the checker was kidding and started laughing. He wasn't.

Fast forward two decades: I let my hair go grey last year. It is very silvery. Anyway, some people see grey hair as proof of old age. Recently one of the residents at my 90 year old mother's retirement home asked me if I lived there, too.

Jules

Veteran

Thanks for starting the discussion Traci. I think people have covered most of the things I was thinking.
As for work, when I was younger (but not that young) it did bother me to look younger and be assumed to not have any work or even life experience. I eventually realized it was more about my style (or lack thereof). Not just clothes but lack of makeup, hairstyle etc. So it was something that was under my control, like it or not.
Now that I'm midlife/mid career, it's actually probably to my advantage to look a bit younger (which I don't anymore, ironically!). This will vary by situation and industry, but were I ambitious to climb up the ladder, the people I would need to impress are 30-something MBAs, the "new breed" of managers at my large co. Forget 50+, you are on your way out via forced early retirement. Interestingly, again I realized quite a bit of it could be projected via style... My age didn't matter as much as these guys thinking I could be one of them, or having an element of cool in their eyes.
I do think there might be an "oh how time flies" element to these compliments you get, or maybe even "wow, I still feel young, but I could have a 17 year old too, had I started younger..." - which is something people might have mixed feelings about. I don't regret my choices but I will be an oldish grandparent, my parents may not make it to my kids' weddings, etc. But I'm not conciously thinking all that when I make such a comment - it's truly meant as a compliment.

Anonymous

Really interesting thread. And Traci - just from looking at your thumbnail profile pic, I see you as looking young too! In my circles, we all had our children well into our 30's so no-one has kids older than say 18 or 19. And we're into our early 50's! I think it's the juxtaposition of your fun, youthful looking image, and having a teenager! Nothing wrong with it, and as all others have said here - roll with it!

I am almost always thought to be younger than I am, which is fine by me. It is an asset in my job - and I am very conscious of it. I didn't have my DD until I was 35 and she keeps me young! I do admit to possessing an often-mocked (in a good way) resting bitch face though - which I try to be aware of and soften. Or not, when it comes in handy - wink .

Style Fan

Veteran

I have always looked younger than my age. I am almost 60 but I look some other age. Who knows what age that is. People look shocked when they find out how old I am. My father's side of the family is young looking. I don't think about it much except when I was starting my career in my twenties I had to work harder to prove myself.

Gaylene

Veteran

I've always been a bit bemused when people look shocked when I tell them I'm 65. Even my rather young, new family doc surreptitiously sneaked a look at my chart to see if he had heard me correctly.

My personal theory is that so many people have an image of how a person will look and act when they get "old". To someone in their twenties and thirties, "old" is being in your fifties and sixties--grandparent material, so to speak. Encountering someone who is the right age, but doesn't fit the "grandparent" image leaves them at a loss. Swooping by a "youngster" in his early thirties on a black diamond ski run is bad enough, but the notion that it was done by a 65-year-old woman can really mess with his head.

The reality is, in lots of ways, I do feel my sixty plus years. I can still ski those black diamond runs, but not all day, or even consecutively, because my stamina and knees aren't what they used to be a decade ago. My back sometimes bugs me, I can't wear heels, my neck and hands are getting wrinklier, and I have less patience when people in their thirties and forties expound about how fabulous you can be in your sixties and seventies--and that age is just a number. Looking, and acting, young for my age is a mixed blessing that takes more effort than might be apparent on the surface--and I don't know how long I'll have the good fortune to keep it going.

Classically Casual

Veteran

My mother is 96 and doing pretty well. When I've accompanied her to medical appointments she clearly gets tired of everyone gushing over her chronological age vs. her appearance. I guess we all carry preconceived notions about age whether we're aware of them or not.

rachylou

Veteran

I sort of think people exactly what they say. They have an idea of how a person with a kid of 17 should look and what age they will be. They are surprised when it doesn't hold true. I worked with this one girl who was so shocked I was older than her mother. But we were, well, from different tribes. .. Preppies are never allowed to gain weight. Her culture you're kinda supposed to be fat in all honesty.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Just jumping back in to say I would so, so much rather be thought younger than older than my age. When I was 28 someone thought I was 35. I about died. Gah.

DonnaF

Veteran

I had DD when I was 40, have friends who adopted or could afford to conceive with assistance, had kids after grad/professional school, etc. -- so kinda run with an older parent set. I would be one who would be amazed that you have a 17 year old since at your age I was changing diapers.

People tend to be surprised at DH's and my ages. He's balding but goes to the gym daily and has Filipino skin so is not wrinkly. And I'm the weight I was in high school although everything is a bit lower these days. But frankly, Gaylene is 1,000% right.

I am proud to say, "But this is what 61 looks like." OTOH, I realize that after out teenage years, how old we look tends to diverge partly due to genetics but a lot due to how we treat our bodies. Too much sun, alcohol, tobacco, illicit drugs, poor medical and dental care, and living on the streets age bodies immeasurably.

catgirl

Veteran

This is a tough one. If I let my hair grow out it would be probably 65% grey. My stylist will not let me do it because she says it would not match my face. Do I enjoy looking younger than my age? Yes. But is it a priority? No.

On the other hand, I think it would be a bit of a shock to grow out my hair and suddenly look like I'd aged 10 years. So there's something to be said for aging along with your birthdays.

I think in general it's something people say and intend kindly, whether or not it carries a complex social message - just like "have you lost weight?" - assuming we all want to hear it.

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