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Let's Talk About.....Electing To Be Child-Free

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

I'm almost 32 years old and I've been married for 8 years. Within a year of being married, my husband and I decided that we did not want to have children....ever.

I've never liked kids. Even when I was a young, impressionable girl. I am a very responsible person and I decided early on in my life that I wanted to live for myself. My husband and I are very similar in nature....we can't imagine a life without each other, but we are perfectly happy with our family being just US forever. We have several reasons for this choice. We want to travel the world and live free...we want to be able to chase our dreams and never felt 'tied down' by responsibility....and we have no desire to add to the population of this world. These are just a few examples.

This is highly uncommon in India. Infact, I don't know any other couple who have electively chosen to be childless. Our closest friends don't have kids either, but not by choice. They can't have natural children....so it's a slightly different situation.

Our parents often say "Oh, you're too young. You'll change your minds. No one wants to be childless....what will you do in your old age? You'll be all alone then".

But I'm 100% sure I'll never change my mind. How is my old age going to be any different from someone else's? A couple spends their best years raising a responsible and happy child, making any sacrifice needed, just to ensure their child is always happy. And by the time they're old, the child is grown up and living his/her own life. We're all alone when we're old. Our kids can come see us often and try to be 'there' for emergencies and special occasions, but that's about it. I have parents who are getting old....it's just the way life works. I don't want to worry anyone in my old age or become dependent on someone else. I'm sure I'll figure out my own way when the time comes.

Often, me and my husband are judged for our choices. People sometimes tell us we're "insane" to our face. But we know what we want. We are both very independent human beings who don't mind their own company. I can travel alone, go for a movie alone, eat at a restaurant alone and happily live alone. I've never been 'bored' or 'lonely' a single day of my life.

I wonder sometimes----Why do people judge me? I don't judge people who want to have kids they can't afford. I don't judge couples who are obviously bad parents and ignore their kids. We live in a free world. Why is it so goddamn important to have kids?! What's so bad about wanting to live for yourself?!

Do any of you have any personal experience/wisdom to share? Have any of you made such choices too?

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81 replies

Latest reply was from Flytigress

AviaMariah

Veteran

For some reason a lot of people think they have the right to express their opinion / exert pressure when it comes to procreating. I have seen this from many angles as DH and I were not able to have children for 14 years, considered many alternative routes, had DD1 via medical help and then DD2 via a surprise. In all phases many people have felt free to stick their nose in an area which is none of their business. So I would just try to ignore it. I don't know your sister but if someone were trying to get my sister to pressure me into having kids because they thought I couldn't make my own decisions I'd be furious.

Anonymous

You sound like me, Maneera. I never wanted children, and now that I no longer have the option, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I had been the oldest of 5 children in my family, and had been sort of the co-mom raising the younger ones, which I think satisfied my maternal instinct permanently. If people think it's odd that a woman doesn't want children, it's perfectly fine with me, they can just think as they please. I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page with this, because it's troublesome when you're not. I know it can be tough facing society's pressures, but it's your decision and your life to live. I am sorry that your mother wants you to pressure your sister into having children. Parents are powerful figures and can certainly complicate our decision-making processes if they jump into the mix. Mine never interfered, for which I am eternally grateful!

Anonymous

I don't think that having kids is something that every person should do, and I agree with you that we're all alone when we're old.

My DH and I have 4 children, and we love each of them dearly. However, we have raised them to be independent so they can live the lives they want to live and be able to support themselves. After all, tomorrow's not promised to anyone, and they shouldn't count on us always being here for them. If all goes as planned, we will have an empty nest in about 4 years. While I enjoy my daughters' company, I know it's time for them to leave home, and time for my DH and I to get back to just being a couple. That's the way it should be. So why, tell me why, do some people think it's so important to have kids and have them around all the time? I don't get it. Yes, I love my kids, but I also cherish my alone time, and I'm not going to criticize anyone (not even my daughters) if they choose not to procreate. I did what I wanted to do; they can do what they want to do.

Gaylene

Veteran

I think it's a person's choice to have, or not have, a child. End of the discussion. Subject is Closed. Opinions not welcomed.

But, I also think it is unrealistic to think that others will not talk about the possibility of children in your presence, especially if their attitudes and upbringing are different than yours. The key, in my mind, is to not feel defensive about your choice. Trying to explain your decision will fall on deaf ears--or, even worse, make them feel they can get you to change your mind by offering countering arguments.

I really think the only way to handle the topic with people who are close to you is let their words wash over you. Smile at them. Look vaguely interested until they run out of words, thank them for their opinion, and change the subject. Once they realize you aren't going to change your mind and talking isn't having any effect, they will slowly wind down their efforts. The key is not to try to get them to accept your position, but to tolerate it--which is what you are doing to them.

Elly

Veteran

The SO and I receive a lot of this pressure from his co-workers and friends. We aren't married, but have been together for years and it is very common to have kids first and marry later here.

The SO comes from a family with a lot of mental health issues and has inherited OCD and ADD from his parents (the OCD on both sides) and it has certainly affected his life, particularly his childhood when he was school age. He really only enjoys being around very quiet, well-behaved children and is afraid that any child who inherits his issues will be too much for him to handle personally. He has considered adopting later in life, but in general would prefer to be childless. I personally think he would have a hard time bonding with a child that is not genetically ours on a parenting level.

My parents had the child-rearing situation VERY easy by all accounts-- healthy kids who slept through the night at an early age and were very calm and obedient overall. That said, my parents made a lot of sacrifices to be able to raise children how they felt was best and to be able to afford to do so. This eventually led to an unfortunate situation where the oldest child (me) ended up doing a lot of the care-taking of the youngest (from the time he was about 7 till 14). In some ways I feel like I've already raised my kid. I do enjoy kids, but I've already made a lot of sacrifices and I have a hard time picturing myself as a mother.

I don't think that having grandchildren necessarily makes the transition into older age easier-- both my mom's parents and my dad's parents were very involved with grandkids (different sets) and now the grandkids are grown. My mom's parents are very happy with their couple things and their own active lives. My dad's parents were both single and less active in activities and had a much harder time with getting older-- grandkids were not just something they enjoyed, but their whole lives. The grandkids growing up and making their own choices left my dad's parents lonely and in some cases resentful. My own parents are much more like my mom's parents.

Beyond that, I have a heart condition. It isn't genetic and it is physically possible for me to have children-- however, I've been advised that it could significantly worsen my symptoms to the point that they might be debilitating. My SO would be lost raising a child without an active partner.

So, we don't have kids. We choose not to tell everyone and their dog about my medical history. We catch a lot of flack. Beyond that, many women in my age range talk relentlessly about either wanting children or their children. I like kids and don't pine for children, but it can be so relentless that even I wonder if I am missing out. I don't think people understand how annoying or hurtful it can be when folks go above and beyond regarding the issue.

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

Gaylene---you're so so wise. I think your words is exactly the kind of advice I wanted here. Thank you so very much...I really appreciate it. And you are 100% right. I've got to stop defending my choices but just let people express their feelings/opinions. I'll try to smile too

Bettycrocker --- you are a great mom. But a rare one to believe in "Live and Let Live." Your daughters are so lucky

LavenderMoon --- I'm glad that you 'get' me. 6 months into our marriage we got our puppy. I was obsessive ALL the time...I worried if she didn't eat, didn't poop, ate too much, whined, got a tick and blah blah. It was very clear to me then that I'd be an over-obsessive mom---not something I wanted. Plus I never really pictured myself a mom and haven't ever thought I'm missing something.

AviaMariah ---- Yes, people want to poke their nose where it doesn't belong...no matter where on earth. I had some relatives try to convince me that it's extremely unhealthy for me to not have kids as the hormonal changes in 'childless' women will decrease my quality of life!!!! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his stupidity!

Mochi

Veteran

Maneera, it's none of these people's business. And yet I've heard from childfree people how pushy and intrusive people with children can be individually and as a societal force.

No need to justify your choices to them. You're absolutely correct.

abc

Veteran

Manny, I think Gayelene's words are those with a lot of wisdom.

I was like you, content in my life. Then DH and I decided to "see what happened" - forego the contraception and accept what happened - we truly weren't sure if we even could conceive. Well, one month later I was prego. I wasn't ready for it. Nor was I ready for the second time which came as a great surprise when the first baby was only 5 months old (BIG OOPS).

It has been a dificult transition for me. I tend to be a selfish person. It has gotten me far in life and my career.

Being a mom has taught me patience, how to put others' needs in front of my own, how to focus on people and things other than myself and my needs.

The pendulum swang too far and I lost myself there for a while, but I'm happy to say I am back and learning how to balance doing things for myself at the same time I meet the needs of the kids and family. Funny, YLF and fashion is a big part of that.

It has been a long road to accept these gifts God bestowed on me. I love them so madly now I can't imagine life without them.

All that being said, if having kids isn't right for YOU then who are we to judge? Sadly not everyone feels the same. Go with Gaylene's suggestion - try to learn to let their words wash over you. But also know that as fervent as you feel in your decision, if for some reason you find yourself with a child, it's possible you can change your feelings, too, as I did.

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

Elly--- I feel you. The biggest reason my husband and I don't want kids is because we feel we don't want to pin our hopes and dreams on someone else.

I've seen my parents scarifice a lot for us. They put all their dreams on hold to be able to afford the lifestyle they wanted for us. It's too late for some of those dreams to come true now that me and my sister are both adults and well settled.

This really affected me as a child. I saw it in my fathers eyes, I heard it in his words, and I felt it everytime he pressurized me into doing what he thought I should be doing. He gave up his dreams and now had to dream 'through' me. I had to make those dreams come true.

It wasn't all that bad because our parents raised us to be very independent. But I knew even as a kid that when I grew up, I'll try to make every dream I ever dream come true. I grew up to be a serial dreamer.....hahaha....it's actually true. I have hundreds of dreams and I constantly try to make them ALL come true. And I like my life like this.

I don't want to put my dreams on the backseat and raise a child and then feel resentful or regretful when the hold decides to live a life I didn't envision. Instead, I want to live my own life!

Also, both my husband and I have 'inherited' tons of genetic ailments. He has lots of mental illness On his side and I have sure shot chances for diabetes and high probability for cancer. I'd love for the defective genes to end with us, honestly.

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

Thanks Mochi.

Abc, you're very sweet. I'm very happy for you. You've got gorgeous kids! However, I know that my feelings will never change. The more people raise questions, the lesser I want kids. I hate the very conversation now. I've walked away from several. I am a very selfish person too. It's got me far in life.

I'm also a very emotionally closed person. I don't like to let my guard down AT ALL. Everything I love becomes a weakness for me, and I hate to feel weak. I love only a handful of people and even that takes a toll on me. I don't handle emotional stress well and it draws all life-force out of me. Seeing a loved one sick, in pain, hurt or even fighting with one of them is very traumatic for me. I like to keep this number as low as possible. There is no room for more in my life.

I really really like to concentrate on just me and my husband. I try to limit negative feelings in my life....feelings that come into play only through someone you love very much.

Mochi

Veteran

As a disclaimer, I will say that I have one adult daughter (whom I had pretty young, at 24). That said, I tend to really empathize with the mindset of childfree people, women especially.

I think people take it personally when someone doesn't want children of her own--as if you're denigrating their own choices. Which makes no sense, but that's how it often seems to play out.

You can have an amazing life without having children, or even spending much time with them. : )

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

Thank you so much Mochi. I really appreciate your support.

Anonymous

My DH and I have 1 child and we were pestered and criticized for only having one for many years. When my DD was a pre-teen she wished she had siblings and I told her it is not all what appears on TV. Now at age 21 she is happy as an only child as her friends are not friendly at all with their own siblings.

For a while she said she wanted to have 3 kids, but as of turning age 21 this year she has changed her mind and wonders if she really wants kids at all. I told her that it is her decision and her decision only. No one should never ever make you do something you do not.

Would I regret not being a grandmother? Not at all. I had my DD when I was 37 and I will admit having a child at that age was life changing, especially since DH and I were always on the go and worked many long hours. But having her in our lives is beyond words. I really do not think I would have been able to handle more than one child, but have enjoyed every minute of getting to know her and watch her blossom into a woman.

So if you are happy with your life that is what matters. Having children does not guarantee happiness.

Kari

Veteran

I so, so understand this.

I actually always expected that some day, I would want kids. Now I'm your age, and I've been in a committed relationship for nearly 8 years, and I want children of my own less and less. I don't have a maternal drive/biological clock at all. I am so much more drawn to parenting, nurturing, and training with animals. Heck, I think that (most) baby animals are generally cuter than baby humans.

I do like visiting individual children - some of my family/friends have incredibly fun kids that I get a kick out of - but I don't enjoy being with them 24/7, and I've always been more drawn to adults, even when I WAS a kid. For that reason, the childfree interest groups don't sit right with me either, because I've browsed them but was a bit turned off by some of the vitriolic, anti-kid attitudes I saw in some posters. (At the same time, I get the need to want to NOT have to be around kids, and I'm absolutely annoyed from time to time by irritating kids or parents - the same way I'd be annoyed by an irritating PERSON anywhere!)

There are very, very few of my in-real-life friends who feel the same; most of my friends are married with kids, or planning to do so soon. And their kids are all small, which means that socially my friends are in a different place and we see each other only sporadically - if ever.

I posted about this topic last year and got some GREAT thoughtful feedback, in case the wisdom from other YLF posters on this thread is helpful to you.
http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....aving-kids

I am so very sorry that you are being pressured to make a big, irreversible choice that you KNOW doesn't sit right with you. And you're right, it is totally different to choose to be childless vs. those who cannot have children and are suffering pain because of that inability. A lot of times I see assumptions that everyone who IS childless has chosen to be that way, when that isn't always the case (due to medical/relationship/financial issues, etc.)

I do wonder what my future life will be like. It's too painful to think of life without my parents in it, and my immediate & extended family is tiny and spread far across the US. My hope is that perhaps the friends with small kids will become more interested/able in spending time with childless adults again after their kids grow, and that by getting involved in hobbies I'll be able to fill the social void in my life and meet others who have common interests.

Kari

Veteran

Also, as a rat owner, I'm bemused by people who say "Ewwww!" to the idea of my having rodents as pets, when the idea that you'd say "Ewwww!" to having a baby is deeply offensive. (I get it! Rats aren't for everybody, people have phobias, etc. - but they are also FAR quieter and keep themselves much cleaner than any human infant I've encountered!)

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for sharing your inputs, Kari. Like you, I bond very easily with animals...not so much with humans. I am not a loner, but I like my own company very much. On the other hand, I thrive on social interactions too. YLF has helped me there----I'm happily engrossed in this virtual world and don't mind not seeing a lot of people IRL. Like you, most of our friends have little kids and a LOT of commitments. And I don't always want to spend weekends with kids!

In fact, I'm going to get this framed for my wall when I repaint later this year. Some people get offended when I call my dog my 'child'.....especially people with a new child. Well----screw you! You could do the same for your rat babies!

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Meredith

Veteran

You could try this?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossal.....oal-i-have

MTBGirl

Veteran

Maneera, you and your husband have made a choice that is yours alone to make. It is no one's place to question or pressure you. Gaylene's advice is spot on.

deb

Veteran

We are so fortunate to live in this day and age where we are able to make this choice. When I was growing up in the 60's, the birth control pill was invented and I remember all of the newspapers and radio and tv conversations about how appalling it was. Up to that point, contraception was a by luck method. After 50 years I think people would finally catch on that we all have to make our own decisions for our own life but I guess they have not. I say scr**** them.

Anonymous

This is a very tough thing to have to deal with Maneera, and I wish that you didn't have this outside pressure on a life decision that is already so fraught with emotion and a lot of soul searching. As much as it's no-one else's business but yours, it IS one of those hot-button topics within families, because, well, it hits on all sorts of relationship dynamics.

I wil never forget telling my mother , over the phone yet, that (I think I was about 33 or 34) that I was not necessarily sure I wanted children. The silence on the phone was profound, and only years later did it sink in how that must have sounded to her, MY mother. Her own daughter essentially rejecting the process that got me here. I got pregnant the minute I decided to try, and was 35 when I had my daughter.

I can say now that I don't really remember the reasons why I wasn't sure I wanted children (we only had one) and what I did learn was what abc said above about it teaching her what it meant to stop thinking about herself all of the time, and to learn to view the world through a bigger prism. This is not to say that self-growth and learning to be less self-involved can't happen without children, but for me it was a critical and much needed life change.

There is no right or wrong answer or feeling. But if we have a conviction about something, it's interesting to see how it can impact others. To this day, I nearly cry thinking about how my mother must have felt with my declaration. It doesn't mean that my way or anyone;s way was right - just relaying a story here. Good luck Manny - and stay true to your course if it is yours.

rachylou

Veteran

I'll just give the other perspective... I'm from capital L Liberated Hippydom. We were all raised to be individuals, independent and considering having children a choice. But in this group I grew up with, many have discovered it's not really a choice - or that you don't determine outcomes with your choice. You have to make the choice long before the event or otherwise things don't fall into place. People have left it too late, not known how to go about even getting married, etc. etc. Frankly, many are not naturally inclined to have any ideas of their own and are pretty lost. Raising children is also something people need help with. When you're raised independent, you may find also that no one is offering any help and your choice has been taken away just as much as, if not moreso than, the other way of doing things. Humans tend not to handle these things with much finesse... I think it easier to go against the pressure to have children than to try and figure out how to go about putting a family together when there's no... Togetherness...

catgirl

Veteran

I feel like this is one of those discussions that can be so needlessly divisive among women. Thankfully, this community is wonderful in supporting whatever choices one makes. We've had this topic on the forum before and I don't want to write a novel, just say that I completely understand the pressure in our culture, which must be even more so living in India. It's just incomprehensible to my family that anyone might choose not to have children. To me, it's hard enough having kids even when you want them with all your heart. Why would anyone try to convince someone who's unsure that it's a good idea?

At the same time, I'm stunned at the hostility levels on both "sides". Am I a "mindless breeder" now? Are childless women "selfish"? I don't get why people are so derogatory about choices that don't involve them.

For me, I adamantly did not want children until I hit a certain age (36) for reasons I still consider valid. Never liked them, much preferred animals (5 of those and counting now!), and am still not a child-oriented person overall. I did change my mind unexpectedly. It was never the "biological clock" which I never felt, but a weirdly rational decision with my spouse (who was born to be a father) for my own personal reasons. One of the reasons I waited as long as I did was that all the enormous pressure to have children made me feel like I would never be able to judge whether I had just caved in. I hated being nagged by aunts, uncles, friends, strangers, and the media. And I'm a contrarian - the more someone tells me I have to do something, the less likely I am to do it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm a good mother and my son is the love of my life - but I would NEVER presume to tell anyone that they should have children or even indicate that I made the "right" decision. Stand firm - you'll be an example for other women to follow. Trust your instincts and your heart.

Looks like I wrote a novel after all.

Gaylene

Veteran

While I understand how irritating it must be to have family and friends harping about having children when you've decided against it, I'm not sure retorting with "my dog/cat/rat is my child" is really the best response, despite how good it might feel at that moment.

I've had pets and I've had kids, and although the emotions run deep with both, raising a child is NOT like bringing a pup or kitten into your heart and your home. I've never felt as scared and helpless with a pup as I did when I brought my babies home. Feeling responsible for a helpless human being is a hugely sobering experience--wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Someone once described parenthood as having your heart, vulnerable and unprotected, walking around in a hostile world--and not being able to do a %#* thing about it. Pretty good description so I totally get why someone would choose not to experience it.

deb

Veteran

Ok, while this conversation is going I would like to ask a question. My son who is 32 just moved in with his girlfriend who is the same age and right now neither of them want to have children ever. I am perfectly fine with this but I did mention to my son that it is a good idea ( I think I said should, oops) to have an open mind because women do change their mind as they get older. Being my son, he stubbornly states, "no mom, I am not having any." How do I impress upon him that being male he may not have a choice in this matter unless he has a vasectomy which considering his age a doctor will not do? Is this a double standard? How do we as a society feel about this? I am not sure myself, hence the word 'should' which I think I said.

Thistle

Veteran

Gaylene has amazing advice.

DH and I were married 7, years before we decided to have kids. I was and still am motivated by my career and accomplishments. Having kids meant putting someone else first. It meant dealing with potty training and dealing with temper tantrums and a whole slew of other unpleasant things.

It also meant slowing down my career.

We eventually decided to do it. I love my girls, but they are even more work than I imagined . More wondrous too. So not for everyone. And if I knew then what I know now, not sure the then me would have been up to the challenge. Kids change you.

Sal

Veteran

Thank you for sharing Maneera and all. I think you are wise and brave and I can imagine it is very hard at times facing this societal and family pressure.

"To thine own self be true."

The only thing I would add is that your own self can change, not always, but sometimes. I have seen this happen with friends and family through circumstances and time. A friend who didn't want children is now a Step-Mum for example.

It sounds like you have a strong and wonderful relationship with your husband and that is a beautiful thing.

SW Ann

Veteran

I've been married 37 years, and we are child free. It was a deliberate conscious choice on my part--I have never ever had that overwhelming feeling of "need" when I look at a baby, as some women have told me they have: I usually felt physically ill when I was around babies. I just knew, from the time I was a teenager, that motherhood of humans was not something I ever wanted. I couldn't explain why then, but I knew it When my now husband asked me to marry him, I was clear that I didn't want kids, and wanted him to understand that, in case he wanted to rescind the proposal. He didn't but suggested we discuss it 5 years into our marriage. I faced enormous pressure from my mother and aunts, as well as acquaintances. However, my best friends from childhood made the same decision, so we became closer in our solidarity against all who tried to pressure us. So far, none of us have regretted the decision. In the interim, I've since (with therapy) realized why I didn't want children and am still quite content with my decision.
I support any woman's decision--whether to have no children, many children, adopt children, or fur babies. Or nothing. Thank goodness we all can decide, at this point, what is best for us.
As for understanding why other people feel the need to judge our decisions....I will never understand how people can comment on something so important and so personal, unless we ask for their opinion.

Style Fan

Veteran

This is a great topic Maneera and I remember having it before on the forum. It is definitely one that is close to my heart. I decided not to have children and my first husband did not want children. We were very happy together. I got lots of questions and comments about when were we going to have children. I don't think he ever did. I love children and worked with children in one of my jobs. I was trained as a play therapist. I enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews. It drove people crazy that we were not having children. I refused to answer the question. None of their business. It was between DH#1 and me. Then DH #1 died. Someone at his funeral said that I must have regretted not having children with him. How tactful is that!!!!!! Well no I did not regret it. And I still don't regret it.

As it has turned out DH#2 has 3 children so I am a stepmonster. I mean stepmom. They are all grown up. We manage the relationships very well given all the challenges. That is another topic.

I don't think you are selfish. You know what you want. I don't think men are pressured the same way as women are to have children.

kerry

Veteran

It's your life and no one else can live it for you.

It's frustrating and demoralizing to feel like you are not heard by those closest to you.

Parenting is all in. I believe it takes two resounding yeses to make the parenting choice (if having children in a partnership).

My story briefly... I met my partner when I was 29. We were convinced we would not have kids. We lived a very fulfilling life for several years. At 36 I met my best friend's son (he was 10 months, she lives far away). Something in me changed. I changed my mind about the kid thing. I went home not knowing how to talk to my partner about my feelings. But I did, of course, and let him know that our life was enough for me if he didn't have a change of heart. He took two weeks to decide. It took us what felt like 3 long years to have our daughter.

WE chose, no one else. I am so happy we changed our minds. Life is good.

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