I've lost my sense of style over the years. - YouLookFab Forum

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I've lost my sense of style over the years.

Toni

Member

I used to be very stylish, not sure what happen. I hate to say this but I think my grown daughter help to escalate this feeling.
We had gone shopping again this last weekend , when she arrived I said just go grab me something to wear. Ok, she came back and said I don't know, all your clothes are weird (really). While we were shopping I made the comment, I think I'd like a pair of distressed jeans, her reply was , Mom, it makes it look like your trying to hard. Really! I'm just 54 yrs 135lbs, slender built. I had lost 82lbs over 10 yes and have kept it off.

These kind of comments over the yrs have made me question anything & everything I wear if I'm with her or not. Im tired of feeling like I'm underdressed for any occasion.

How do I find fashions at my age without looking like I'm "trying to hard" and yet not look like I'm an old lady.

Dressing

38 replies

Latest reply was from broadearthqueen

Peri

Veteran

I have a friend who could relate...her daughter has made her feel that way for years! I have no daughters but even so I think it is something we all go through, and what brings most of us to the board. There are plenty of us in your age range. Stick around and look at lots of WIWs. Carter has had a recent one, check that out. And maybe your daughter could actually help instead of criticize. Next time you go shopping with her ask her to pick you something! Call her on her insults...tell her to be helpful instead! If she's grown she has no excuse for acting like a teenager.

Anonymous

Welcome to the forum Toni. There are definitely many ladies here on YLF over 50, so you're not alone. I'm 51 myself. A good place to start with honing a style for yourself may be to have a good read of the blog archives on here about style and also have a look through the many wiw posts for inspiration. Angie always says you can be fab at any age. Many styles work across many age ranges, it's all in the styling. As for distressed jeans, if you could feel confident wearing them and create a look that you feel happy with then go for it....again...it's all in the styling and support act of other pieces. Good luck and keep at it.

verdant

Busted! 58 years old and wearing distressed jeans right now. Seriously, it sounds like you are at a transition time in your life. You have successfully raised a daughter, so your role has changed. Perhaps other roles in your life have changed as well. Self-confifence can take a hit. Take time to identify your lifestyle, goals, and dreams. Then get dressed in what makes you feel good. You have beauty to share with the world. And share your choices here if you like

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Welcome to the forum! Lots of us here over 50 and many arrived looking for a new injection of style. You are not alone!

I agree with Diane that reading Angie's blog is a great first step, not only the day to day posts but also in the archives if you have specific questions.

Post photos of your own outfits for comment once you are able and follow forum members to see how they manage. This is a friendly and helpful spot!

Tina

Veteran

Peri is right, there are many women on this forum in your age group. Quite a few of them post pictures.
It sounds as though you have ideas of what you would like to wear, that's a good start! If you used to be interested then I'm sure you have a talent for it and you simply need to do some exploring and have some try on sessions!
Angie always says to start with a review of: hairstyle, glasses (if you wear them) and undergarments (especially a well fitting bra).
Have fun!

Anonymous

I'm exactly your age and size and I too have a (almost) 20 year old daughter. Just from reading , I think there could be a few things at play here - and please pardon me if I'm stepping over a too-personal line here-

1. when people - especially a teen's mother- loses an incredible amount of weight like you have (and kudos to you , that is not an easy journey) , people can react unpredictably. And i'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. She may be uncertain as to how to view you now. I do shop with my daughter sometimes, and she teases me occasionally about things I like that she deems too "ratchet" - but it's become our personal joke. Understanding where she is coming from first may put her comments into better perspective.

2. as women of our age - there is so much out there to be tempted with - especially now that your body has changed so dramatically. I say go for it. I wear distressed jeans, leather jackets, motorcycle boots, etc, but I also wear dresses, pumps, scarves, pearls too.

3. as for feeling underdressed - I think it's common at our age too . again, with so much out there to choose from, it's easy to feel off-balance. Become best friends with Pinterest. It's a great resource for ideas.

And good luck - daughters are as nutty as they are wonderful !

Helena

Veteran

You are in the right place! This forum has such a great group of women, and the over fifty set are probably the most stylish and inspirational of the lot. Have fun rediscovering your style

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Welcome! Another 50+ member here and I sometimes wear distressed jeans and sneaks without laces. Is it too young? Some people certainly think so, while others don't give it a second thought. I think looking pulled together is more of an overall thing - being well groomed in general, taking care of your clothes the best you can, paying attention to fit and feel when shopping, etc.

I agree that your daughter isn't being helpful and if it were me I think I'd do my shopping alone for a while to get my own bearings.

broadearthqueen

I've seen women over 40 in distressed jeans who looked great! Just wear a cute, fitted top and minimal, simple accessories.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sounds like you have lots of words of wisdom to ponder here, Toni. Welcome, and may I suggest that you read this post:

http://youlookfab.com/2012/04/30/trying-too-hard/

There is PLENTY of fashion for you to enjoy at your age and beyond. My most stylish clients are in their 50s, 60s and 70s. There are also many, many stylish women on this forum who post pics of what they wear and are your age and older.

Have fun rediscovering your style.

Author Linda

Veteran

Hi! I'm 60+ and while my style is different than it would be if I were younger -- yes, sometimes I look at something and think how cute it is only to say to myself, "Um, no." If I were younger I would wear those short little dresses and "cute" shoes more than I do. That's a fact. For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure most daughters don't want their mothers wearing the same clothes they do. It's a generational thing more than an age-appropriate thing.

I don't have daughters but do have a stylish young niece and a daughter-in-law. They both have said they wished their moms were "stylish like you" so I guess I'm doing okay. I bond with them over handbags and shoes and what's "in" this season. We have fun. But I bet dollars to donuts if I did have a daughter, she would despair of my style.

Just be confident and enjoy what you're wearing. That's the real barometer.

Anonymous

Welcome. I'm yet another 50-something here on the YLF forum. I have never worn distressed jeans, and neither have any of my 4 daughters, but I did learn a thing or 2 from them (without them knowing) about more creative color combinations. I've seen plenty of women my age wearing distressed jeans, so it's just a matter of personal taste. At any rate, there are plenty of people here who are willing to help you. Again, welcome!

broadearthqueen

And wear what makes -you- happy.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I love my daughter immensely and she us not as outspoken, but gets a look.. When we go shopping I make it all about her as she is in her mid 20s and finding her way. I steer clear of shopping with her. I am grateful to have 3 sons, a complimentary husband to balance out and allow me to ignore that in my daughter. I have found a style that I love these past 3 years and walk with such confidence that now she looks to me for input. I highly recommend finding a stylish friend to go shopping with to gain confidence before going with your daughter. It's a transitional time of life and can be lots of fun. I think you should go try those distressed jeans as I suspect you will love them! Best of luck in this journey!

shaz

Welcome to the forum. I think it's a thing with children my own included that mothers sit at home knitting while wearing comfortable waistbands. There are so many lovely well dressed ladies of all age groups on here that are also very helpful. Enjoy your time here

unfrumped

Veteran

Ditto, echo, stay the course, don't despair!
I also recommend taking time for some try-on sessions at home by yourself or with a really good kind friend if you have kindred spirit. If not then by yourself is great. Put together 2-3 outfits (or even just 1 !) that looks good to you, feels right for you--maybe including some ideas you have gotten from the blog or WIW's here. Test drive them to the grocery or other errands. Adjust, repeat. See what works in your existing closet, and identify wardrobe holes--maybe you need the distressed jeans but already have jacket and shoes. Maybe you have some more classic jeans but want to add updated sweater.

I've re-read Angie's Trying too Hard blog post and it's still great.
It makes me think not only of my own forays, which sometimes may look a bit "off", or I feel self-conscious; sometimes it's because the item or look is "not me" and never will be, but sometimes I just need to have a do-over with changing some of the other elements to make something work for me and will find a fab new look.

But, this also renews my empathy and appreciation for others I see out and about. Maybe they're "trying too hard" or maybe they're experimenting with rolling their jeans for the first time and added whatever other items to the outfit and are getting their bearings, maybe will tweak it here or there, and are wise enough to realize, it's only clothes, for heaven's sake, not World Peace! I don't mean that dressing is not of any importance,but I love Angie's reminder that how can there be any fun or innovation without some discomfort or even belly-flops along the way?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Welcome to the forum, I'm curious to know what your daughter meant by calling your wardrobe weird? Did you ask her to expand? I wonder if her answer could be helpful, such as there are so many patterns but no basics to pull your wardrobe together?

I also agree with Diane, I believe very few things are off limits as we age if styled with care.

As a final note I would like to say be kind to yourself and enjoy the process.

rachylou

Veteran

Welcome, Toni! I like what everyone else has said. Also, I'm a person who has to work to remember her own style, lol. I just see all the cool things out there and get distracted. It's one of the reasons I came to YLF. It's been so helpful and a process - and so much fun. My favorite first thing I did, coming to YLF, was to assess how I really spent my time and what my clothes needed to do and say about me. I'm an artisan baker among other things. So no suits at the bakery. But I'm also den mother there, so I have to be the anchor for my work children, lol. A certain amount of sobriety is needed.

Anonymous

My daughter is my worst critic. I pretend I'm deaf.

ETA: I should say that my daughter (she's 11) *always notices* when I'm wearing something different, and comments on it, often in an unsure way. But since I've been on YLF, my daughter is much more open to my buying new clothes. She kind of takes an interest in my forays into fashion, and is not so suspicious.

anyway....

I wear distressed jeans, too!
So maybe we can be a pair of old ladies who try too hard together

Anyway, apart from your daughter's comment, it does seem like you're unhappy with your wardrobe. Hopefully you can show us a little of why you're unhappy with it. There is lots of help here.

I am unfortunately, a bit obtuse about what is age-appropriate and generally ignore/don't fully understand all that stuff! The only guideline I have is not to do too tight all over.

ETA: I just read Angie's, 'Trying too hard' article, and take a lot of comfort in it.

Kim

Veteran

Our kids often have ideas about how "older" people should dress, and it ain't pretty!! LOL

Seriously! Show your daughter that her hangup is not your hangup, and you aren't going to let it be. Dress for exactly who YOU are. It's actually a good lesson for her about knowing yourself, and being happy with yourself.

Go ahead. Buy the jeans. I dare you! LOL

(54 year old, running a childcare at home and wearing waxed jeans as I type this!)

The only downside is that you might find (as I have) your clothes make your way mysteriously to your daughters closet!

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Ah, my first thought is, "Stop listening to what your daughter says and just wear what you want!" You've got to show her that you can still love what you look like and wear what you love at any age...it's a lesson she will remember when she's getting a bit older!!

Having had my first baby a little over a year ago as well as shifting to working in a more casual environment, I am still discombobulated about my style; but I'm working on getting back to feeling fab. It does take some thoughtfulness - about what I want to look like and what I think looks good on me. It's all worthwhile in the end, though, because I don't want to waste time feeling bad about myself; life is too short!

ALeigh

I am a teenager. And I have to say wishlist my own mother would get her head in the space where she appreciates fashion rather than spends hours shopping criticising all of my favorite pieces. She basically lives in sparkly slogan tunics and straightleg 3/4 crop pants. With hair straight out of the 80s in a very, very bad way. We keep trying to tell her she's in her 40s, its 2016, time for a new wardrobe?!?! So if your daughter complains too much just remind her of what you COULD be wearing!!!

But honestly it's how you wear it not what you wear. My Great Aunt is in her 80s and wears ripped jeans with platforms and oversized sweaters and totally pulls it off, because it suits her, and she wears it like it belongs on her.

Dress for your body, not your age. I'm curvy, developed early so have shopped in the adult section since I was 10. My cousin is 25 and still buys in the kids section. Short people problems.

If you're not sure, there's so many great fashion blogs for, so don't be scared to check those out and say, here, if so-and-so can WHY not me???

BlondeAmbition

What a perfect teachable moment! I think it's important to teach daughters how to be accepting and not overly critical of other women even if it is their mother. It's up to us to show them that it's ok to experiment with our looks and it will all be fine. For the record there is nothing wrong with wearing distressed jeans at any age! Try to be upbeat and positive and when she says "you look like you're trying to hard" say "I'd rather try too hard than not hard enough" with a smile. Or "next time I think I'll go shopping with someone more positive and cheerful". And to tell the truth, you should really try going shopping with someone who's style you love. Thankfully I have a girlfriend who is a fashion knock out and I respect her opinion more than I would a teenagers.

ALeigh

Here's some blogs that may help - these were just the ones I remembered, there's hundered! That way if you get told nobody your ages wears that you can prove that wrong quick fast!!!

http://notdeadyetstyle.com/ - older style but ask has some cool reader made ideas and pics.

http://chicatanyage.com/re-sty.....er-jacket/ - 're-styles trendy items (honestly she's awesome whatever your age is!!!)

http://gracefully50.com - wears boyfriend jeans, amount other "young" style things, in ways more flattering for herself.

http://spashionista.com -has cerebral paulsy but looks good with pink hair and well etc

Anonymous

Toni I have two grown daughters .
Just like with other topics, I often don't completely understand what they're talking about when they're describing or critiquing certain subtleties of current fashion and beauty. I'm often slightly relieved that I got to be in my twenties when I did, rather than now, but I respect that their connection to this new era is different than mine.
Conversely, there are times when they're not convinced I'm making the best choices either but I take more actual direction from women, most often my age, that I think look great and that I imagine are getting the type of responses from society that I want in my own life.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Welcome!
I agree it can be difficult to shop with a younger generation in tow.
I shop for myself by myself, and shop with my daughters for them only.
Finding a store with clothes you like and shop assistants of a similar age can be helpful too

DonnaF

Veteran

Welcome, and congratulations for keeping off your weight for a decade!!! What an accomplishment!

I came to YLF about four years ago when my daughter was a senior in high school to find my style, knowing she would be leaving for college soon so I could dress for ME without having to worry that I would embarrass HER.

With youngish (teen to 20-something) daughters, I totally get that they don't want us to compete with them. And I don't want to wear too low cut, too short, or too tight. And really, I don't want her to wear that stuff either, even for clubbing, but I recognize that what she wears is no longer within my control. But distressed jeans are none of that, and if you like them and they look good on you, go for it! I, personally, haven't been able to pull the trigger on that look because I'm so cheap that I don't want to pay extra for distressing that will eventually come naturally.

So after all these years on YLF, my 22 year old daughter wants some of her 62 year old mom's clothes, like my burgundy leather jacket. Thank goodness I'm slightly smaller so it won't go disappearing on me! She's also adjusted (more or less) to my more magpie items like my silver clogs, silver belt, and silver moto jacket. Give it time, and I'm sure your daughter will adjust, too.

Meanwhile. . . have fun with fashion!!!

April

Veteran

Toni, another over-50 here. What your daughter might be fearful of is that phenomenon that is hatefully described as "mutton dressed as lamb." Ugh. Just typing that makes me shudder -- women are not cuts of meat -- but I get the sentiment behind it. No one in our age bracket wants to look as if we don't realize we're no longer teenagers.

I think the trick to wearing a trend like distressed jeans and not falling into the "too young for you" trap is to keep it looking grown-up. A few ways to achieve this: only ONE youthful trend at a time in any given outift (so if it's distressed jeans, don't combine them with tees in the Urban Outfitters style, or with teenager sneakers); add something the kids would not add, such as a "lady bag" satchel (take a look at Ms. Mary's outfit posts for how to do this masterfully) or elegant shoes; keep fit as a top priority (nothing overly tight, or overly low-rise.) Even if it's a "kid" style, try not to buy it in the junior's department.

If you do a trend with those things in mine, your daughter should relax and realize you know what you're doing. And if she still doesn't, find a more sympathetic friend to shop with and ask your daughter to mind her business. (I don't have a daughter myself, but I sometimes have to do this with my critical teenaged son.)

Zoe

Transitions can be hard for all of us. Sometimes when our kids are trying to sort out who they are in the world, they find comfort in defining us instead. I know I did this to my mom (ugh. I feel sick just thinking about it.) and my young teen does it to me sometimes, too.

In the end, it comes down to who you are when you are your best self. What does that look like to you? What does it feel like? Can you recognize that part of you in other people you admire?

Pintrest has been great for me in this way. (See my response on the How do you use Pintrest thread). I also find focus in identifing one or two women whose style ven diagrams with mine and studying what they wear and how they wear it.

Wear what you love.
Wear clothes that make you feel like your best self.
That's it.

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