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Has anyone here fostered children?

ironkurtin

Veteran

And if so, what have your experiences been? I was looking into this (although I am not a Lutheran) and am curious how it works out.
http://lirs.org/fostercare/

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18 replies

Latest reply was from rabbit

Suz

(website)

Veteran

IK, I have not fostered but am friends with someone who has. My daughter is adopted. Different but some similar issues. You can PM me if you like. Short version: it is an amazing thing to do, but not a good idea for faint-hearted or head-in-sand types. (Not that you are either of those.)

Isabel

Veteran

I also know people who foster. I worked for a while too at a state Head Start program and many of our kids were either fostered or from troubled homes where the state was trying to keep them with their parents as they worked through major problems. Suz said it, it is not for the faint of heart or the "denier". There needs to be a certain pragmatism. I couldn't do it.

With that said, we are in desperate need, as a society, for foster parents. I hope that once my children are in college that I can take a couple of teenagers. My dream would be to have teenagers that would "age out" with me....that way they could stay if they wanted. I absolutely could not do it now.

Good Luck.

Eliza

Veteran

I have not fostered a child, but have stepped up in a relative's life when parents were not able to provide a home. Feel free to PM. I would describe this as highly gratifying over time, as well as all encompassing and challenging. It is a full household commitment. Lots of variables, including some luck, determine how this plays out.

It pays to look at it from all angles; this choice definitely changes family routines, concerns and dynamics. I saw a counselor to discuss the implications on all sides before we offered our home. My circumstance was different because the child was well-known to my family over time and had spent a lot of time here before moving in for over two years. It is an important role with many benefits (able to enjoy the children of this child, now adult, also), though there are many other ways to contribute that are more flexible. We did have to walk our kids through some things that would not have been on their radar, but for the presence of someone who had seen a lot. There was lots of learning to be had all around.

I concur that it is best to go in with eyes wide open and perhaps with volunteer experience with a similar population, which you may already have. Great to talk to others who are doing this now for a variety of perspectives. I look forward to reading everyone's responses and wish you the best as you sort this out. There is a huge need.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Thanks all! I am concerned that with both the boy and me working full time it may not be possible this year, but it's something I am definitely thinking about should our circumstances change in the next year or so. Please feel free to PM me if you don't want to share here as well. Much appreciated.

kkards

Veteran

i have not fostered, but growing up we had neighbors who fostered (both longterm and emergency), and i have a cousin who fostered/adopted. from what i observed from the outside looking in, its not for the faint of heart. both had children returned to their birth parents and then back into foster care. during the time i was in high school and into my early 20's the neighbors probably had 6-8 children long term (anywhere from 4 months to 2 years), and ended up adopting 2 sibs. (since they did emergency fostering, they had many kids that stayed a few days while family or other foster parents were found.)

JAileen

Veteran

I am not a foster parent but instead a CASA, a court appointed special advocate. This is a volunteer job. I had three siblings that I would report on to the judge. Since then, one has aged out, and one is a runaway.

The foster families where they have lived were quite varied. In one foster home, both parents worked full time, just like a lot of regular families. In another home, it was just a foster mother who did not have an outside job. The children had also lived in the county run facility.

I thought you were hoping to move to Portland? The reason I ask is that the first family I mentioned was transferred out of state. The children thought they were going. I was at the meeting where they were told they were not. It was devastating.

ironkurtin

Veteran

JAileen, I'm not going to foster until I know where we'll be for the next few years. I would never want to add to the turmoil in a kid's life that way. It's hard enough on the kid I have now!

April

Veteran

I have not fostered, but as a school psychologist I often worked with children in foster care.

Sadly, by the time many children are removed from their parents, they've been subjected to some pretty horrific things. Needless to say, this does not tend to create lovable, easygoing kids free from behavior problems -- particularly if they were older when they were removed. Lots of mental health issues.

I agree with everyone who said it's not for the faint of heart, while also noting that good foster homes are desperately needed. I admire your considering it, IK -- keep us posted!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

The big "lump" of salt is that the kids I work with obviously have been through a lot and their parents are struggling too - one of the big hurdles I found of the foster system is that the parents want to provide a stable environment for the child and they would like to adopt the child. All funding stops at this point, so some parents have fostered a kid for many, many years, but cannot do the formal "adoption" because they need the funds that a foster brings along to help raise the kid. It's one of those Catch-22's that may be worth considering.

I think it's wonderful you are doing this, and like others have said, it's definitely not for the faint of heart.

I have seen lots of adoptive families work out very well. Everyone has a different approach to it, but my dad has always said (haha; always, the one time he would talk about it); "Once you're here, you're like ours in all ways. So why are we talking about it?" ... he doesn't want to talk about it, and neither does my mom, so that's okay. They're like my real parents anyway. Asians all look alike.

Lucy

Veteran

I think it is great you are considering this, the system is always in desperate need for cares. Though as others have noted, it is not for the faint hearted!

We were in a similar situation to you - both working full time in busy jobs - and we were not sure we could commit to something full time. Most of the Australian agencies prefer one parent to be a stay at home parent, mainly for practical reasons, as the kids miss more time for school than most, and often have more medical problems etc. That wasn't a good option for us. So we did respite care, which was one to two weekends per month, and a bit of other time sometimes in school holidays. I'm not sure how this operates in the US, but it was great for us.

Basically the idea is twofold. First, for kids who have had really fractured lives, it gives them a couple of extra grown ups in their circle. They usually don't have uncles and aunties etc, and have moved around so haven't formed bonds with neighbours and family friends, so you are expanding their world in that way. Second, it gives the full time foster carers a break! Generally the children are pretty demanding, and so the carers get time to regroup/spend time with their own family etc.

We did this for five years, until I got pregnant myself. Our agency wasn't keen on foster care work if you have a very young child. But we had one child that entire five years, and he was now 17, so it was coming to a natural end anyway, as he was wanting to spend more time with his friends etc.

It was hard and demanding, even just for 2 weekends per month. It wasn't especially "fun" a lot of the time. But I think we thought we were making a significant contribution, and I would do it again when my own child is older again.

DonnaF

Veteran

A couple in my church fostered a little girl with a view toward adoption. I think she was still taking a bottle and not walking when they got her. The day her adoption became final, we attended something like a commitment ceremony where her adopted parents committed to her and her birth relatives (minus her birth parents) blessed the relationship. They had planned to take a vacation (honeymoon?) in Hawaii the next day, but that week the girl's birth mom gave birth to a boy she could not care for. This couple was already licensed as foster parents, and this was a sibling, right? So the Hawaii trip was postponed, and they became a family of four. And last month, the birth mother had another baby, so now they are a family of five. I don't a family of this size is what they had envisioned, especially since I think both of them are probably in their fifties. One is is academia and the other is a consulting minister, so the latter does most of the parenting.

Isabel

Veteran

Lyn's point is right on. I have a dear friend who has fostered 3 sibling ( girls for 10 years ). She wanted to adopt but couldn't afford it without the extra support that fostering gives ( this includes health insurance that they would lose if she adopted them. As a single "mom", she could not afford an insurance family plan and all the co-pays for the intense treatments. ) The girls did 5 days a week of therapy for the first 2 years, then 3 days a week. Now they do 1 day a week. There were a lot of issues. As a nurse, she switched to the night shift so that she could attend school meetings, be involved in their needs, make sure that they were safe and get them to therapy after school. Two of the girls had fetal alcohol syndrome and one turned out to be bi-polar and severe ADD. My friend slept during the day and sometimes in between meeting, then cooked the girls very healthy dinners from scratch, slept for a couple of hours then went to work. Her brother, the girls' "uncle" stayed overnight and slept there. The girls are beautiful, fantastic, smart young women who call her "auntie". My friend is a Goddess.

Karie

(website)

Veteran

While in college, I did field work for Lutheran Social Services of NJ (I'm not Lutheran either), briefly with adoption and then with refugees. As the others have stated, it is not for the faint of heart, but foster parents are sorely needed. As a teacher in a city school district, I have worked with many children who have been in and out of foster care. What April said about behavior issues is 100% accurate. A good foster home makes all the difference.

Ariadne

Veteran

I haven't fostered, but my personal and professional lives bring me into contact with many people who have (as well as social workers, therapists, etc.). I do have two adopted daughters, one of whom came to us through the foster care system. We plan to foster and/or adopt older children and teens in the future, when our lives are more settled and the girls are older.

I agree with everyone who said that there is a HUGE need, and that it's a tough road. If it's a good fit for you it can be incredibly rewarding. I know people who've fostered over 100 kids/teens and are still involved in "the system" with a positive, hopeful attitude. They change lives every day, and sometimes literally save them. Those people are my role models and my heroes.

Almost everyone I know who has fostered or adopted from the foster system works and is either single, or also partnered with a working spouse. It's do-able for sure, although logistics can get tricky with appointments and visits. You need a very strong support system.

I think it's important to go into it with the awareness that all foster kids will have extra needs of some sort, be they emotional, behavioural, mental illness-related, brain injury-related (FASD, TBI), learning challenges, etc.
The best thing to do right now would be to see if you can get some volunteer work with similar populations, and do as much reading as you can. I can offer suggestions.

I'm so happy you're considering this. It's impossible to underemphasize how enormous the need for committed, loving, safe foster homes is.

I'd be happy to talk more specifically via private message about my personal experience and my professional knowledge, if you want.

viva

Veteran

I just love that you are seriously considering this, IK. I mentor a 7th grade girl, and I love it but it's also challenging to deal with the results of someone else's parenting. Then again, with my own kids, it can be challenging to deal with the results of my own parenting.

I think it's just awesome that this is on your mind. Best of luck to you.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Another consideration is how this will affect your daughter. I know you have probably thought about it. It might affect the timing -- when you'd do it. You might not want to rush into it shortly after a move if your daughter will need some adjustment time. But I believe there is a training period anyway, and that would help.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Suz, I was really thinking that we could foster some of the kids coming across the border here in Texas because so many Texas towns don't want them (!!!). My daughter is fluent in Spanish and I was thinking that would be a real benefit to these kids, a bit of an ice breaker. Maybe I am fooling myself. In any case, if I ever get to the point where I can commit to fostering, I want to do it. In the meantime I can give money to fostering organizations and other places so I can help support those already in the trenches. It's not the same as providing a safe place, but it's what I can do for now.

rabbit

Veteran

I wonder if you and/or your daughter could volunteer as a first step? My mom and sister did volunteer work in NC (undocumented immigrant population) with our local Hispanic liaison organization since they both spoke Spanish. I think my mom's Spanish was fairly rusty at first, but she was willing to do a lot of simple legwork like searching local listings daily for jobs that didn't require English fluency, for example. They both loved it and made a lot of good friends. I would ask a local community organization, and they might be able to point you in the direction of non-profit groups working on providing assistance and what help they could use.