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Ever received clothing as a holiday gift ? Advice.

Meggie

Receiving Clothing as Holiday gift giving ~ Help!
Hi Gang, I recently complimented my friend on her (dressy) winter jacket. My friend put a bug in my Husbands ear to get me the jacket for Christmas. I had a hunch she might do this, so I carefully explained to hubby I don't want the coat; I Just trying to give a nice compliment to my friend. Apparently, my hubs got me the coat anyhow. How do I know this? My kids told me...they can't keep a secret, LOL! So now, I will have a VERY expensive (over 1,ooo dollar) coat under the tree that I don't really want. Also, not wanting to hurt my friend or my hubs feelings who went to a lot of trouble to acquire the coast for me. Sigh! I know, a very "first world" problem but would love advice. I need a thousand dollar (dressy) jacket like I need a whole in the head. Please advise!

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28 replies

Latest reply was from anne

Alassë

Veteran

First, explain that the kids told you (it's not your fault that you know). Second, calmly ask why your husband bought the coat after you specifically explained to him that it was a just a compliment. Perhaps there was a communication breakdown despite your previous statements. (At this point, hopefully he understands and the coat can be returned.) In conclusion, thank him for trying to get you something you wanted and point out that he still has time to return and get something else.

If he still thinks you should have the coat, and more dialogue does not uncover his side of the story, gently point out that the coat may still be returned (or donated) after Christmas. One way or another, it's going back (before or after presents are opened).

I hope this helps. Remember to keep calm and non-confrontational when you're discussing it.

carter

Veteran

Tough one. My husband would be convinced that I said I didn't want him to buy me the coat because of the cost. His feelings would be hurt if I rejected it for any reason other than "doesn't fit", whether it really does or not. Good luck! This year I asked my husband if he wanted to me to send him links or go ahead and get his gift for me this year...since he was so busy. He was thrilled to not hae the stress of trying to figure out what I would like.

Meggie

Carter. Exactly that. He thinks I don't want it b/c of the cost. He is correct. I don't want an over 1,000 dollar jacket. I don't like to own things that own me. Sigh!

Dimity

How lovely that your husband wants to give you something so luxurious. People give gifts for many reasons, such as wanting to express love and appreciation, or perhaps your husband wanted to show everyone that he could afford to buy you an expensive coat just like your friend's. Maybe he just really likes the coat.

My mother would have said that accepting the gift and delighting in the generous spirit in which it was given is the most loving thing to do. It honours your husband and the kindness he wants to show you. Maybe he feels that you deserve some luxury and gorgeousness. A coat could last for many years, and so prove over time to be money well spent, with a low cost per wear, and each time you put it on you can delight in the kindness your husband has shown you.

You don't have to listen to my mother, though. I rarely did!

Maybe it won't suit you or you can find some other reason to return it after Christmas.

Peri

Veteran

I think I'd be completely honest. Cause keeping a $1000 coat you don't like much just to spare DH's feelings seems a bit off. You may resent wearing it and the money wasted, he may notice your faked or lack of enthusiasm and feel unappreciated and resent that...trouble brewing.

How about...."I'm so touched that you want to give me such a generous gift, but I'm not that big a fan of that coat. I was just being nice to my friend and I'm sorry you misunderstood. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but there are other things I'd like so much more. Maybe I can show you several and then you can surprise me with which one you pick."

crutcher

Veteran

Why don't you get him an equally expensive, impractical gift and watch his reaction...Maybe like the couple in The Gift of the Magi, you can each love each other the most and exchange your impractical gifts...smile...

Joyce B

Veteran

A 1000 dollar coat should fit better than a 10, so you can say that the fit is not perfect or that it is too warm. Or you can say that it is just not you.
It must be a gorgeous coat but if it's not your thing you are not going to wear it or enjoy it.

shedev

Veteran

Be honest that you don't want the coat and give him alternatives.

Style Fan

Veteran

That is a tough one. At least for me. Over the years I have received gifts from someone I was in a relationship with and I knew I would never use the gift. I did not know how to handle the situation without hurting the person so I acted pleased. If I bought an expensive gift for DH and he would never use it then I would want him to tell me. I would return it for something he could use. That is better than pretending it is okay.

MsMary

Veteran

I will chime in on the other side: Many years ago my dad bought my mom a beautiful ring for Christmas. They were going through a rough patch in their marriage, I think, and he wanted to make a gesture. It was a pretty huge deal because he wasn't a shopper at all but he had gone to the jewelry store and picked out this expensive thing for her, hoping to delight her.

Well. She opened it and said she appreciated the thought, but her hands were too ugly for such a pretty ring and it was too expensive anyway, and he should return it. Which he did, and she got some much less expensive earrings instead.

But I don't think he ever got over the rejection of his gift. And that was the last time he ever tried to give her something really special.

So... I'm not saying this is you and your DH, but I tell the story because it made a huge impression on me as a child. If I were in your shoes I would accept the coat and wear it and love it.

Tina

Veteran

This is a really tough call. I have to agree with MsMary on this one. You have time to prepare yourself to respond. I would not say anything before opening the gift. The fact that the children know also adds to the complication, see Mary's comment above. Once you've had time to try the coat you can see what your husband says, if he loves it on you and it fits, then I would wear it for him. I have been in your predicament more than once and I wish I could say I handled it well. If I had it to so over, I would be more appreciative of the gesture. In my experience men are very sensitive to these types of things, especially when they have agonized and put in an effort to present you with a gift. I hear you on the money, over the years I often thought of all the clothes, shoes, etc. I could have bought instead. I came to a point where I realized that I have a generous DH and I would enjoy and wear the jewellery, perfume or wherever he had gifted me with.
But... when it comes to gifts of clothes, shoes or coats and jackets- it still needs to fit. If it doesn't fit you or obviously doesn't suit you, then you discuss it with your husband, all the while gushing about his thoughtfulness:-)
That is my opinion and nothing more!

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I am somebody who downplays expensive items... something I've done due to being a mother of four... I understand the tendency.. My question is do you like the coat ? If you like the coat , but not the price, I say allow your husband this extravagance and thank him for thinking you are worth this.. We as women sometimes can deny ourselves and if you have a man in your life who encourages you to spoil yourself with luxury, it is letting him love you...
We all have different love languages and if this fits your husband's, but not yours, accepting the gift is an act of love on your part for letting him express it in his love language...

Gaylene

Veteran

Hmm. Got to go with with Ms. Mary, Tina, and Dimity's mother on this one. Despite your best efforts to be tactful and logical, and regardless of what your husband says in response, the emotional fallout from your rejection of this coat could still be causing you grief for years to come. Your husband will probably wince everytime he needs to buy you a gift, mentally gearing himself for your probable rejection; your friend will have lingering doubts about your honesty every time you say something nice to her; and, despite your best efforts to explain your thinking, your children will have learned that it's fine to summarily reject gifts despite the thought and effort the giver put into the selection--something that you might find painful when they are adolescents and your gifts do not please them.

Time to recognize that it was your well-intentioned, but overly fulsome, praise that started this chain reaction, put your own wishes aside this time, and wear a delighted smile on your face when you open your present on Christmas morning.

deb

Veteran

My first thought is, are you rejecting it because of the cost only? If that is the case, it may be best to just enjoy it. And it may not fit in the end anyway. If it were me, I would open it and act very happy because the other person gave it with love.

Style Fan

Veteran

I think it depends on the meaning of gifts in the relationship. For some it would be important to accept because of the thought behind the gift and for others it would be important to be honest about the your feelings about the gift. In Ms Mary's mother's case it was during a difficult time of the marriage. The ring was a symbol. I would have loved it no matter what.

My first husband bought me stud earrings for a couple of years. I don't wear them because they hurt my ears and I don't like them. I usually wear hoops. I never said anything and acted pleased. He bought blue sapphire studs (my birth stone which I am not fond of) and pearl studs (not a pearl fan). I adored him so I acted pleased. He was adorable. One night we were out for dinner and he commented on my earrings. They were gold hoops. He said maybe he should buy hoops and not studs. I confessed that I found studs hard to wear. He could not understand why I would not tell him this in the first place. It would not have changed our relationship.

I still treasure the stud earrings but never wear them.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am reluctant to give direct advice on this specific situation, because every person (and every relationship) is a little different, and what is appropriate for one couple may not be so for someone else. But I'll share where my husband and I are with gifts.

A few years ago, I decided to get him a very nice watch for his birthday. I chose one but wasn't 100% sure about that particular style for him because he wasn't much of a watch-wearer prior to that point. When I gave it to him, I made it clear that I wanted to be sure he had a watch he loved, so if that one wasn't quite right, let's go back to the shop and get the one that makes his heart sing. Well, we did that, and he did find the one he really wanted, so we made the switch. I feel like the process was a little more collaborative that way, which is fine. I still feel good when he wears his watch, and even better, HE feels great wearing it.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

rachylou

Veteran

I fall in with Ms. Mary, Tina, Dimity's mother and Gaylene.

After many years of being a very cruel recipient of gifts, I have this thing about excepting what people have to give.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Is there anything extravagant that you do want? A different coat, a piece of jewelry, a series of spa visits, a vacation with hubs, etc.? It's a beautiful gesture, but I echo the comments about communication breakdown and the fact that he'll probably notice why you don't wear it or seem generally excited by it as the months go on. I would be honest, not only for the sake of this gift, but for the future, and make clear that when you don't want X, you don't want X. But I would say all that after assuring him of the sweetness and generosity he demonstrated.

Glory

Veteran

Is the coat returnable? If it is perhaps you could discuss with your husband how much you appreciate the lovely gift and explain that although you do love it you do not want to twin your friends coat and would he mind if you replaced it with something else?

Classically Casual

Veteran

I agree with Ms Mary's advice, accept the coat with delight and graciousness.
But do an excellent job of laying the groundwork for future gift giving.

My personal hint dropping coup involved a jewelry store here that did their own designs, and I loved virtually everything they made. I liked to go in and browze. I had recently done that, and the SA had kindly written down all the items I especially enjoyed. I slipped the card into the pocket of my jacket and forgot about it. A few weeks later, hubs and I were walking into the grocery store, and he casually asked what I might like for my BD. I slipped my hand into my pocket, and handed him the card. A happy ending for both of us.

I still try to remember to drop hints as gift giving opptys. arise; it's hard even for loved ones to read another one's mind.

Karie

(website)

Veteran

What is the real reason that you don't want the coat? Is it because A) you don't like the style/color/design, or B) because it costs $1000+? If your answer is A, respond, "Thank you for this beautiful coat! However, I'm not sure about this style/color/design for me, would you mind if we picked out a different coat? And then do that, but don't choose a coat of lesser value. Allow yourself to be treated luxuriously. If your answer is B, refer to the last sentence in A above, and respond, "Thank you for this beautiful coat!"

And then my other question is why did hubby get you that particular coat, even when you asked him not to? Was it because A) he really thought you would like it but just didn't want him to spend the money, or B) he was under pressure from your friend? If he bought it under pressure and really isn't happy about it, that's a whole different story.

approprio

(website)

Veteran

Karie's advice nails it for me. You should accept the coat, unless it really, truly doesn't work for you, in which case you have a good argument for politely exchanging it for something else.

Not long ago, I was gifted a *beautiful* coat by a designer friend of mine. I'd been considering buying it, but was unsure about the fit and the practicality of the thing, and I was humbled when she offered it to me for nothing. I'm still amazed I accepted it. The truth is that it isn't a very practical garment, and I'm still not at all sure about the fit. But you know what? I love it. I don't wear it very much, but when I do, it feels very special, not because it's gorgeous (which it is) but because it was a present.

I think sometimes we have trouble accepting the idea that clothing can and should be valuable and special. When I started seriously investing in my wardrobe about ten years ago, I had that same thought in my head. But now that I'm looking at a closet full of keepers, it's raised my standards on how I think about buying less expensive garments. (The down side is that it makes it much, much harder to get rid of stuff.)

Anyway, I hope you'll unwrap the thing and fall in love with it. And if you don't, at least post a picture!

viva

Veteran

This is such a difficult dilemma. We have some anxiety in our home about being good gift givers and receivers ... my girls are grown now, but over the years I think they have witnessed too many Christmases where DH was horribly off-base (even with my hints and sometimes very direct ideas) and I was less than gracious in the receiving. After 25 years together, we've gotten much better at it all, but some of the emotional evidence of that history remains. It's part of the reason, I think, that I love the Christmas season but really tend to have anxiety about the day.

Anyway, on Christmas morning, I knew how important it would be to both DDs that we recognized the care that went into their choices for others. And for the most part, we ultimately rose above the actual gifts and focused more on the giving -- and were thankful for that.

I hope it worked out for you. I know from my own history how traumatic and emotional this kind of situation can be. xxxxx

catgirl

Veteran

While I agree wtih Mary, I think there is a flip side to this, and that is not feeling listened to as a recipient. I tend to say what I mean and be honest about what I want or don't want. If I genuinely did not want something, and someone, even my DH, wanted me to keep it for any other reason, I would feel put upon and resentful - which is exactly the opposite of what a gift is meant to do. I think gifts that are not quite you from strangers who don't know you that well or well-intended family members (in-laws, grandparents, children) should be accepted with good grace. But in an intimate relationship, communication and understanding of the other person's sensitivities are vital.

If this were a $20 scart, I'd suck it up. But if it's stressful to you not only because of the money (which would stress me too!), but because of the fact that he didn't listen to what you said, then that requires addressing on a deeper level. Plus it sounds like your friend has some ego vested in this purchase too, and may have gone overboard. I have certainly been shopping with a friend who has loved something she wouldn't buy for herself, and have later suggested it to a spouse as a gift. But not for $1,000 regardless of what I thought was affordable to them!

IAs a giver of gifts, there is a fine line between being thoughtful and feeling emotionally vested in a gift to the point of no return (so to speak!).

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Wow, what a dilemma and interesting discussion. I wonder if it's possible he had already bought the coat for you when you told him the intention behind your compliment on your friend's coat.

Meggie

A belated but enormous thank you to all the thoughtful responses to my gift dilemma. It helped so much just to be able to articulate my worry and feel "heard" by such a great group of women. By reading all your thoughtful and supportive posts, I was truly able to enjoy the holiday season so much more and "let go of" the big box for me under the tree. You all made me realize how loved I am by my dear husband and that is the greatest gift of all. Blessings to all of you in 2015.

Jules

Veteran

What a wonderful response. Glad things worked out

anne

Veteran

Meggie I have been wondering how this turned out and am glad that all is good!!