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Dressing for DH/SO

Helena

Veteran

Hi everyone, I've been thinking about this for a while but scared to post as I realize it could all go terribly wrong! So I'll caveat right up from by saying - I am not implying everyone does/should/must dress with their husband or significant other in mind - I don't believe DH/SO should expect such - I assume we are all feminist, free-thinking women or we wouldn't be on this forum expressing ourselves!

So - that said -

How does it differ when you dress for your DH/SO? I shared a story on a prior thread of Carter's I think (sorry, don't recall which one) where I had bought what I thought was a really stylish, sexy black faux-leather peplum top (and also a cheap v-neck tee from Gap on the way out of the mall). When I modeled my peplum I got an attempted-supportive "that's interesting" ... but the next day when I threw on the tee, it was all rave reviews!

So, now I know if I'm dressing from DH, keep it simple and fitted, a bright blue or black v-neck is usually best, skip the statement pieces, wear my hair down, put on some eyeliner and it's all good. Leave the scarves, cardigans and muted tones for another day. Yoga pants trump designer pieces any day of the week. Something of a grown-up version of the girl-next-door seems to be best.

I've seen a few similar comments over the months on the forum, but wondered if that's the general consensus and what different views are out there

What about you? And I truly hope I haven't offended anyone. All in good fun and for interest. I'm not a 1950's housewife wannabe - swear! And pretty sure my DH would love me in a paper sack, for the record

Dressing

32 replies

Latest reply was from Golden

Niefern

I too keep or wear certain items because my husband likes them. I think it is nice to keep your husband's preferences in mind when you are going out with him. Isn't it good to do nice things for the most important person in our lifes? I think it is!

Helena

Veteran

Phew - agreed, Niefern! I wouldn't wear something I hated just for him, but I would rather wear stuff that he likes, as long as I am comfortable in it Does your DH prefer the simple stuff too?

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I do take into account what my husband likes, and I take mental note when he remarks that he especially likes something on me. He does the same for me, so I don't think this goes against feminism or anything like that. My husband has good taste and a good sense of my style, so his opinion carries weight when I'm deciding on whether to get/keep an item -- although he often needs to see things styled to appreciate them. One time he was quite unmoved by a fitted midi length dress I was about to wear to a function with him, until I put on high-heeled platform shoes with it!

It's sometimes a little unpredictable what he will like. He's always liked closely fitting jeans on me, so I was surprised recently when he told me how much he liked the loose tomboy jeans and cowboy boots ensemble I had thrown on one casual weekend day. He doesn't like anything that skews corporate or office-y on me, which is fine by me!

Niefern

He likes dresses and flattering clothing, so I always try to make sure I have some pieces that fit that description because he likes them. He does nice things for me so why not reciprocate?

viva

Veteran

I don't dress for DH. It's really that simple. I know he has that male gene that really responds to figure flattering clothing and long hair -- but that is really not me. I tend to wear a lot of things that are just flattering enough, as well as a lot of tomboy items, and I always have. And he must be okay with that too, since he fell for me during a pretty extreme tomboy phase.

Sometimes I will wear something that is more conventionally flattering and he will really like it, and that is fun for both of us. But that is more synchronicity than something I do intentionally.

In general, I think he responds more to my attitude than to my clothing. If he can tell I feel great in something, I get a great response.

ETA: I should add that he is very open-minded and easy going when it comes to my style. I'm not sure he has ever hated anything I have tried, although he hasn't loved everything either.

christy

Veteran

I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping the preferences of DH/SO in mind as long as it isn't a complete departure from what YOU feel good in. When we get dressed up to go to an event, especially if it is a his/her thing (his office party vs. my office party) I'll often show him two dresses and ask him which one he likes better and then wear that one.

My husband essentially has only two "capsules" - corporate for work and uber casual for home. So when it comes to going out for a casual date night or get together with friends, he always defers to my judgment when deciding what to wear. In turn, I'll often ask him what he thinks about what I'm wearing and ask him to help me decide which shoes to wear, for example. He has good taste, (though definitely leans towards "safe" traditional choices), he never criticizes the way I look or dress so I'm definitely open to hearing what his preferences are. After all, if I'm choosing what to wear out of my closet, I've liked the items at some point or another, or I wouldn't own them! Why not listen to what he thinks?

When deciding whether or not to keep an item, I usually decide for myself, though I might ask him his opinion if I'm on the fence about an item. I can think of one dress that I bought a couple of years ago that he just absolutely hated. I wasn't sure about it so I asked him what he thought and he told me in no uncertain terms how much he disliked it! Since he had never expressed an opinion that strong before, back the dress went. I don't dress to please my husband, but I do want him to like the way I look - just like he wants me to like the way he looks! Definitely goes both ways for us.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

TG, you are very respectful and I can't imagine you offending anyone.

I love what Janet said - and high five her comment.

Anonymous

I *am* the 1950's housewife and not a feminist at all so my comment may be irrelevant.

My husband is the most important person in my life. However, I don't know that he cares how I dress. He liked my hair better when it was long and curly but doesn't seem to care now that it is short and curly. He says I should wear it how I like it.

Actually he would not like it if I wore holey/dirty sweats every day.

If he had a preference I would take that into consideration when buying/wearing clothes unless it involved tight fitting clothes that I was physically uncomfortable in.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Torontogirl -- first, no worries, I can tell you're not like a 1950s housewife.

Second, men hate peplums.

Third, most men I've talked to about this (which, admittedly, isn't that many, but I've also read stuff to back this up) prefer women dressed in a relaxed way. I remember when my husband and I were first dating back in the 90s, and he thought my overalls-and-tank-top outfit was the sexiest thing I could wear. He likes me dressed up, too, but casual and effortlessly cute always wins.

Minnie

I don't dress for DH on a daily basis as in "I wonder if he'll like this".
On the other hand I usually try to stay away from things that he really dislikes.
All things being equal, I'd prefer he likes what I wear than not.
Like most men (who are not connected to the fashion world), he likes clothes the best that are conventionally flattering and not too fussy, formal or elaborate.
So even though his opinion matters to me, I am far, far removed from this: Women's Health interview with Sofia Vergara :
""I'm Latin, and in our culture, we dress to pick up guys, or for our boyfriends or husbands, rather than for other girls," she says. "I'll prefer to die than wear boyfriend jeans!"

*Ha ha ha*

Of course she also is upset that she is famous only for her boobs.
You might be thinking that she wants to be known for her intelligence e.g. rather than her breasts. But no :
""I'll tell you something. I've always been known for my boobs, but it pisses me off, because I do also have a great ass!"

Aziraphale

Veteran

mtgirl, my husband is the most important person in my life too -- or at least it's a three-way tie between him and our two children. And I'm a feminist. It doesn't mean a man-hater. I just feel like women and men need to have the same opportunities in life. If you believe that, you're a feminist too.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

#single4lyfe

Helena

Veteran

mtgirl - no comments or viewpoints are irrelevant. I too hold my husband as one of the three most important people in my life (along with DS and DD) - no offence intended in either direction, and thanks very much for commenting

Thanks everyone for commenting! Aziraphale, duly noted on the peplums!

Angie, thank you for your unfailing kindness

Minnie, so funny on Sophia Vergara! and I really like how you summarized your philosophy and it's similar to me I think - I don't hand-wring over it, but I do feel a bit "what's the point" if he doesn't like what I've got on, so I try to find the happy medium

annagybe, it's all good!!!

Thanks everyone!

Diana

Veteran

I'm almost exactly like Viva. I don't dress for my husband but then again he has NEVER told me that he hates something I own. And I think he realizes that certain things that might be conventionally flattering (i.e. high heels, long hair, low cut tops) make me so uncomfortable, physically and/or psychologically, that it's not attractive at all. For example, I know he likes me with long hair but he said to me that he is happy I have short hair because I was so clearly happier and more carefree the day after I had it cut after the wedding.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Huh. I have a leather peplum top and hubs likes it!

rachylou

Veteran

That's pretty much the formula: simple (even generic), fitted (but not tight), and prepared to walk a hundred miles. The clothing should essentially set up an SEP field around you, thus rendering you invisible to strangers and informing Mother you are affordable.

Bonus points if it's brown; will accept blue! (hehe)

Suzanne (ambergreen)

Veteran

Sounds like I'm in a similar space than many--it's nice if DH likes what I'm wearing, but I dress to please myself first. And nicely enough, what I've found is that often, my higher happiness-quotient items happen to get comments of approval from him. This has been more frequent recently as I've added items with more intention (to wear things I really like, to stay current, etc.) than I had in the past few years. So I guess I'm hitting good notes for both of us, yay.

Regarding conventional figure flattery, neither he nor I have a particular interest in conventionally "sexy" dressing for women. We seem to have a similar feeling that true sexiness doesn't require the usual checklist of tight, revealing, high-heeled, and so on, and that being "sexy" per se isn't necessarily the goal of what we wear (despite the drumbeat of women's magazines every month. YAWN). I'm glad he and I see eye to eye on that, as I prefer to stay shy of the bombshell territory that can be...umm...a configurational hazard.

(PS, I don't like peplums either. :D)

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Interesting re the peplums; you'd think that the 'typical man' would like them since they suggest curves / a big butt. I don't know that I've ever tried on a peplum top and asked what my DH thinks!

My DH has a good eye for colors, proportion etc so although he doesn't really follow fashion (or at least he didn't before we were together; now he follows trends peripherally like I follow peripherally the sports he likes that I don't really care about) he's very good at noticing new clothes that suit me, or particularly nice outfits. I don't think I have anything in my closet that he actively hates, but I'm not a super out there dresser most of the time. He's Iike a lot of guys in that he doesn't prefer super done dressy stuff; something figure flattering and more accessible is his taste. I would certainly wear something I loved even if he hated it, but it's nice to have him like what I wear most of the time when possible.

Actually, a lot of days, you guys will see my outfit in a WIW but my DH will never see it in person - I'm usually in my pjs when he leaves for work and if he has to work late or I've got an evening event, I'll be back in my pjs or in something else before we see each other again. I suppose I am dressing more for YLF than my spouse!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

The one thing my BF seems to not love is shoes too high that interrupt our adventure, whether it's walking The Quarter in New Orleans for blocks upon blocks or getting from the parking spot to the actual seats at a concert. I've had 'shoe issues' on both those accounts. Other than that, there are a couple of things I wear he's iffy on (icky cat jeans lol) but he doesn't downright hate anything I have. He offers his opinion, like the afternoon wine tasting at the beach he suggested my black strappy dress read more nighttime than beachy Sunday afternoon. I took his advice and did not wear it. So for us, it's more occasion appropriate rather than actual items I wear.

April

Veteran

Since DH and I are in separate cities during the week, I do give some thought to what I'll wear when we're together, with an eye to the things he likes. Fortunately they mostly align with what I like so it's not a big sacrifice.

Yesterday, for example, we went into Allsaints so I could try on the Fressia top seen recently on YLF. Not at all a conventionally sexy or bodycon style but he gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up.

In fact, he and DS were both pretty taken with the whole vibe of the store. (It was the one on Newbury in Boston.) After we left, they asked me what the Allsaints look would be called. Naturally I said, "Urban Warrior Princess."

Gracie

Veteran

I like to dress with conventional flattery and that works for DH. He has a good eye for my outfits and I frequently ask his opinion (these shoes, this necklace?) If going out with him I'll amp up the sexyness because he likes me in form-fitting outfits and heels. For casual activities he's really receptive to flattering and easy clothing - yes, the jeans and tee, cute sandals... something that reads playful and won't impede movement.

Echo

Veteran

I've always figured that DH was attracted to me prior to me ever asking his opinion on anything I wear, so the way I tend to dress must be just fine. He knows I express myself in some crazy ways (clothing sometimes included), and he has always just smiled. Besides, when I ask his opinion on things, he chooses them in a vacuum with no eye to what was chosen already. In other words, if I ask which dress he will choose a printed one; when I ask about tights/hose, he asks about printed hose even though they weren't an option. If I took his advice on everything, I would look like I got dressed in the dark, so I just do my own thing.

And feminism was all about equal pay for equal work and for women to have the OPPORTUNITY to have the same education as a man, the same job options as a man, the same ability to move up the ladder as a man, the same dream of running the business as a man. It was also about supporting a woman's choice to do what is right for her, regardless of whether that is to stay at home or to run for (and stand a chance of winning) public office; to be a member of the PTA or run a Fortune 500 company. Anyone who believes in equality of opportunity and pay and being supportive of a woman's choice (regardless of whether one would choose the same for oneself) is a feminist. And for the record, I am a stay-at-home mum and wife and to many people I might look like a very "traditional" woman. But I am 100% a feminist. Women before me did battle so that I would be able to vote, go to college, hold a job and be respected for something other than motherhood if that's what I chose. I refuse to spit in their eyes by not calling myself a feminist.
*quietly steps off soapbox*

deb

Veteran

I do not dress for my DH and since he has never commented positive nor negative, I assume he does not care what I wear.

rabbit

Veteran

I'm definitely a feminist and so is the husband, and he's the most important person in my life (no kids, only cats, we've been together for over half my lifetime).

I do ask his advice on clothes I'm unsure about that I bring home (for the simple reason that another opinion is nice, and I want to be sure how I feel about it especially if it's a little more expensive). I've also kept and love and wear clothes that at first he was 'ah...no' about when asked, so although I ask for input, I always decide for myself usually based on a gut feeling.

He's pretty easy to please. He really likes when I feel like wearing skirts or more dressy shoes to meet him for lunch or something, simply because I didn't for decades and he appreciates the variety and thinks they look pretty. He also likes simple jeans and tops that flatter the body (just as I like them on him).

I help him when deciding whether to keep or return (usually gear) clothes. It's funny because he's definitely the big spender in the household compared to me when it comes to clothes and hobbies (outdoor sport), and we both acknowledge that and are okay with it - the checks and balances work out pretty well most of the time.

Helena

Veteran

Thanks everyone for weighing in and so glad everyone is sharing their take around this BTW, Echo, thanks for piping in around the meaning of feminism, your definition is also what I had in mind; that we consider ourselves equals and thus may or may not choose to dress to our husband's taste or not as is appropriate for our family, personality, etc. BTW, I am a SAHM too

shedev

Veteran

Hedev says I don't dress for him, but it's not entirely true. I don't wear colors or items he really hates. That said, he doesn't love the tartan pants. He also doesn't like peplums, but neither do I. I do like them for some other peoples styles, just not mine.

Dee

Veteran

My DH doesn't tend to have strong opinions toward my clothes. If I bring something home I'm uncertain about and ask his opinion, the convesation often goes something like:

Me: "What do you think of this top?"
DH: "It's very... drapey?"
Me: "It's supposed to be that way."
DH: "Oh. Well, good job then."

And for better or worse, he says I always look nice. That said, if he ever expressed a strong opinion, I'd probably at least take it into account. But I wonder what it would take to get a strong response!

Pat Chenell

I am absolutely a feminist and totally still in love with my husband after 25 years together. He has only rarely expressed dislike of anything I've worn with one consistent and bizarre exception: he despises visible buttons, particularly any that are large and/or decorative. I dress for myself but do avoid extraneous buttons for him, lol.

Style Fan

Veteran

I am a feminist and this informed my work for 30 years. This also is a big part of who I am. Now I love fashion and DH has an artistic eye so I ask his opinion about clothes. I have found his opinion to be better than anyone else. I am not sure if that is dressing for DH or his particular talent. He notices how garments fit and whether a colour works for me. He suggested a dress he saw in a store for a wedding (I had been looking for months) and it was perfect.

However, he loves polka dots and I can't bring myself to wear them. I love stripes. He loves BF jeans. He thinks baggy jeans are sexy. He likes the suggestion of something underneath. Not for the top part though. Keep it tight on top. I tend to agree.

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