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Dawn

(website)

Background story first- I went shopping on Tuesday for the first time this month, and I bought a grey wool coat, two knit tops in purple and blue, and a blue cardigan.

I ended up receiving two compliments on the clothes. Firstly from my coursemate who described my coat as 'elegant' and compared me to Carla Bruni (French First Lady), and the second was from my housemate who told me that the blue knit-top made me look very pretty. Both were lovely compliments and they made my day.

But then, I was talking to another housemate about Christmas and rampant consumerism (I'm talking severe debt-inducing consumerism here), and she accused me of being a hypocrite because I invest some of my money in my appearance. When I pointed out that I have never been in debt once in my life because of shopping, she started going on about how clothes shopping was a waste of money and pointless anyway. Her attitude came down to the idea that it is a waste of time to bother with one's appearance. I don't want to change her but I really don't like someone trying to guilt me about spending a little money.

So two questions really: How do you deal with people who try to make you feel guilty about your expenditure; and how do you deal with people who seem to have the opinion that if you care about your appearance, you must be an airhead?

General

16 replies

Latest reply was from Nicole

Anonymous

This is a very good topic to bring up tassajara. I think we all deal with this kind of pressure. Like I said in another thread my husband is from an anti-stylish family and he really does think that for me to spend money on style is a waste of money. He doesn't pressure me and wants me to be happy, but I always have a sense of guilt for being so interested in what some people consider frivilous.
Since you are talking about housemates and coursemates though, and not your 'mate' whom you share money with, I think it is none of their business.
To those who think that taking care of one's appearance is a waste, I say first impressions really do make a difference in how one is treated in the world.

Maya

Veteran

This is something I deal with all the time from my dad and some of my friends. I honestly just give up. They will never understand it. I have had this discussion so many times with my dad that I can't even bear to think about it, and he just doesn't get it and never will (even though he certainly didn't pinch pennies on his clothes when he was younger).

It makes me angry that people are so judgmental though. I think they see it as being purely self indulgent and shallow. My theory is that everyone, whether they want to or not, HAS to get dressed. You can't run around naked, right? If you have to get dressed, you may as well have fun with it and make the most of it. If you have to eat, you may as well make your food taste good. Otherwise we would all be satisfied eating plain, uncooked and unseasoned vegetables. But no one calls foodies shallow or indulgent.

Second of all, dressing well is the easiest, simplest lifestyle change you can make. It is no more difficult to wear a nice sweater and some jeans than it is to wear a shabby sweatshirt and yoga pants. Other changes in life are hard. Time management is hard. Losing weight is hard. Exercising is hard. But swapping out your ugly clothes for something a little nicer? That's easy.

Third, just because you care about your appearance does not mean that it's ALL you care about. I don't know where this ridiculous idea originated from. You're allowed to have more than one hobby in life.

I honestly find this argument to be nothing more than a way for people to behave holier than thou and try to bring you down.

When I see how people take pride in their appearance in places like France and Italy, I honestly feel ashamed!

Maya

Veteran

BTW, just out of curiosity, how many other people went through a phase in life where they knew nothing about style or fashion? Probably a lot of us. I'm curious to know if anyone else noticed a major change in how they were treated and received once they began to care about their appearance. I noticed a HUGE change. I can even pinpoint when it happened. When I went to France, I got so many compliments from people. I had literally NEVER been complimented on my appearance before then. Even when people aren't so forward about it, I definitely feel that I am treated with more respect.

Like it or not, people can and will judge you by how you look.

dee

What a great topic tassjara - I've been dealing with this recently too. Since I starting reading YLF I've been making an effort to improve my appearance. For me this involved purchasing a few things - mainly accessories, but mostly working my existing wardrobe in a more interesting way (ie. layering, trying different colour combinations, etc). For the most part I have received compliments, but I have one colleague who was very negative, accusing me of being a shopaholic and demanding to know how much money I spend on clothes. I responded with "non of your business" (which is true!) but it did bother me. I think that these comments stem from other people's insecurities about the way they dress.

As Maya pointed out - appearance is an important part of how people perceive and treat you. I say keep your head up high, enjoy the compliments and ignore the negativity.

Dawn

(website)

I knew nothing about style when I first met her back in first year. (She's probably one of my closest friends along with the other housemate who complimented me.) I was a tomboy then, and dressed in jeans, tshirts and converse all the time. And just before starting third year, I landed a well-paid work placement which allowed me the financial freedom to start buying clothing which suited me. Later, I went on a study abroad placement in Poland which taught me a great deal about simple sophistication and the value of taking care on one's appearance. I came back from this semester abroad dressing so differently to how I did back in Ireland (with many Polish people who live Ireland often assuming I am from Poland ).

She often comments about back when I was a tomboy in a nostalgic tone, instead of understanding that people change. Most people have reacted quite positively to my change in appearance and style, and I feel much happier and confident because of it so I am not going to allow her comments to bother me too much. Anyway, about the guilt-tripping about spending money on clothes, I earned it so I can spend it as I wish.

Kyle

Veteran

Ridiculous. Please don't allow this to make you feel badly. Tassajara. To each his own. We like to look nice and care about fashion, so what? Others don't care a whit. Again, so what? Live and let live is what I say.

As an aside, I remember Tanya had a similar thread once about work colleagues who seem to disapprove of anyone taking care with their appearance.

Kyle

Veteran

Tassajara, are you living in Ireland now? May I ask where? We fell in love with your country earlier this year.

Dawn

(website)

Yeah, I currently live in Ireland- Limerick to be specific- used to live in Dublin for a while as well.

Tanya

Veteran

Tassajara, please don't let that affect you. As Kyle mentioned, in my field everyone disapproves of dressing even decently, God forbid nicely. Even my BF prefers me to dress more casually. But at the end, you have to be comfortable in your own skin. if you feel good about it, then you can try to ignore all of those comments. But i know that it's easier said than done.

judy

Veteran

What a great topic! It sounds like maybe she's afraid she's going to lose you as a friend...that your changing and she isn't...?

What I notice is that people can get judgmental about what they don't understand...so if there is an area that you are investing in, say your appearance, and they don't understand the motivation or the creativity/satisfaction/positive rewards you are getting from it, they will criticize. You might have to let them in on the fun you are enjoying.

I've had people criticize my expenditure on clothing, and I pointed out to them that they spend money on things that I do not, say eating/drinking out at restaurants after going to a movie ever week that I no longer find myself willing to spend that money on...that's a good hundred dollars a month, and I'd much rather have a hundred dollars worth of clothes! I don't have to say it critically, because they are choosing to spend money on what's fun for them, but it's okay to say it without any shame. It's your money, and what you invest it in is your choice...and it sounds like your doing it wisely...and beautifully!

The irony is that some of those same people who have been critical have also asked me for help with their shopping/closet cleaning!...is it possible she might want you to take her in hand and show her it doesn't have to cost a lot of money to kick up your style a notch or two ? They not so critical of my shopping when they get my old clothes too, I find!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Ohhh. That’s a shame Tassajara. Sometimes, envy can make people nasty.

Unfortunately we will always face people in life that judge us unfairly. As long as your finances are in order and you’re not living above your means, codswallup to them all and get on with how you fancy dressing. If it makes you happy, GO FOR IT.

shiny

Veteran

I have been known to have to handle this type of rude questioning (and it *is* rude, pure and simple). I may answer in one or many of the following ways:

1) Dressing well (no matter what your budget) is a matter of self-respect. (Said to the person who's being downright rude and deserves a snappy retort).

2) Dressing well can lead to a job (or a better one). Even when simply running errands. You just never know who you may run into, and how they may help you along in the future. (Said to the person who just lost her job or is in fear of losing it... and then I'll shift the convo away from clothes and on to gentle reassurance and encouragement).

3) You can buy a few crappy, inexpensive tee-shirts.... and end up replacing them each and every year, because they are shoddily made. Or you can invest in well-made clothes with quality fabrics and classic cuts, and they will last for years (if not a lifetime). Which is better for the environment and our burgeoning landfills? I vote the latter. (Said to the person who is Green, which I strive to be too. Since YLF I have a smaller wardrobe but it's much more functional and more and more it is focused on quality pieces that will last for a long time - instead of a disposable wardrobe of constantly replaced pieces that never quite work together).

4) Finances are all about choices; none of us can have it all. I deliberately chose a smaller house and one 10 year old car, so I can have room in my budget to indulge in nice clothing (and also travel). It's what gives me pleasure and puts a smile on my face. If a fancy new car or double Lattes or ... whatever.... puts a smile on your face - then go for it (if it doesn't put you into debt)! We all need a bit of mad-money in our lives. (Said to the person who is really asking about whether I am racking the clothing up on credit; I'm not. I have a clothing allowance. Just happens to be generous right now. If I lost my job, I'd *still* have a clothing allowance... it would just be a lot smaller).

5) I actually have a lot of anxiety about the future. I'm pretty anxious by nature. Psychographically speaking, dressing nice gives me something I can control. Life can't be falling apart if I look awesome. I probably inherited this from my grandma, who came from wealth but lost it all in the great depression, yet to her dying day, would throw on blue powder eyeshadow, pink blush, lipstick, pearls and a mink to hit the local grocery store. This is what makes me feel comfortable in my own skin - if you feel more emotionally comfortable dressing differently, than all the power to you; I can understand it. Dressed up to the nines or dressed in a "who cares" way - often it's not about the clothes - it's about the emotions. (Said to my friends who "get" this sort of emotional analysis stuff! I actually had this same exact convo with my BFF since 6th grade yesterday.... )

Eva

Maya and Shiny, nice points and very well made. Angie is also right to the point. The simplest answer is that you spend within your means and it makes you feel good to dress nicely.

Dawn

(website)

Thank you all so much for all your wonderful advice. If this topic comes up again, I'll be putting it to good use.

Shiny, the story about your grandma make me smile- I'm a bit like that myself (minus the mink and blue eye shadow of course).

BLB

(website)

I know this is an older thread, but I came across this blog post from Wardrobe Oxygen today and I thought it was beautiful:

http://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/.....-care.html

As a feminist, I especially liked this quote:

"Women are amazing creatures. We are often portrayed as the softer sex, but studies have proven that we have a higher pain tolerance than men, we live longer than men, we are able to create human beings, feed them from our bodies, care for our loved ones while being able to manage multi-million dollar companies and even countries. Women are beautiful, and work so hard, they deserve to feel beautiful, know their beauty on a daily basis."

Nicole

Veteran

I missed this thread when it originally appeared last week--but I'm glad I caught it now.

To those who compliment you, say a gracious thank you and smile.

To those who feel compelled to hurt your feelings in an effort to justify their situation, give them a little look of shock and stammer a bit for effect and then change the subject. They are the ones who should be embarrassed, not you for dressing well!!

Some people are afraid of change. They don't know how to adapt to changes as they happen around them. The knee jerk reaction to make this a question of finances is because they have no other logical reason to oppose dressing well. Dressing well isn't about investing in your appearance. It's about investing in yourself.

I am always amazed at people who feel it's their place to ask anyone about their finances or make comments and judgements about someone's lifestyle. When I worked for the real estate attorney, I saw a lot of people's financials. Once in a while I'd have a client who was someone I knew personally. And more often than not, outward appearances did not match up to people's financial situations. It made me realize from the beginning of my career, that things were not always as they appeared, and it was not my place to judge anyone's lifestyle since I had no idea what was going on in their private business. It's easy to judge our neighbors when they are driving new cars (or old cars), or have delivery trucks in their driveways on a monthly basis, or have let their property deteriorate--but the fact of the matter is it's none of our business.

Unfortunately, some people will never get past being judgemental, so your best bet is to refuse to respond to these types of people. Your lack of commentary or defense will have a greater affect on their behavior in the future, than anything you could possibly say in trying to explain yourself.