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Comment from Doc still stings...

Carole

Veteran

I had my annual physical last week...I've been going to the same female doctor for 20 plus years...she's looking at the notes in my chart and says..
"Hmmm your 57... Your getting up there". I was so taken aback, I didn't even respond and now I wish I had come back with at least some little comment....

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44 replies

Latest reply was from Isabel

Sara L.

Veteran

I feel you, but I think doctors have concerns based on age that are dictated by their profession. I gave birth to my third child at 40 and had to hear over and over about my advanced age. Even though I had an easy pregnancy with no complications I had tons of extra tests based purely on my age. 40 is not old by normal standards (and neither is 57).

Carole

Veteran

I hadn't thought of it that way, Sara, you make a good point. I think I'm just really sensitive right now about my age and stage of life...at the end rather than the beginning...it sometimes scares me a little because I feel like I should be younger, if that makes sense.

Deb

Veteran

I wouldn't take it too literally. She wouldn't have said it to offend you. More from a medical perspective....as we get older, we statistically get up there in risk factors for numerous conditions. Doctors and health professionals are almost always very caring people, even though you didn't feel it when that sentence was said due to your interpretation.
And yes Sara L, in obstetrics 40 is mature, though we are actually in the prime of our lives, and there is plenty of evidence based statistics to show that your pregnancy and birth are far more high risk. Hence the greater level of screening. You were fortunate that all was straight forward, but had it not been, you would have really valued the extra attention and investigation.
In both of these scenarios the doctors come from a medical, not a personal view point.

Carole

Veteran

I know, you are right, Deb....I did take it personally and I know she didn't mean it the way it was interpreted...if she only knew how sensitive I was at this particular time, I think she would've worded her thoughts differently. She's older than I am so there's that....

Diana

Veteran

I totally know how you feel. Years ago, a doc casually mentioned, "hmm, weight is getting up there, isn't it?" and it *still* stings to this day, even though I know that a) it was just a clinical observation, and b) it was in comparison to the year before, where for some reason I was really skinny, so objectively it is still a healthy weight.

Bedside manner is such a tricky thing. I'm not sure what is the best way to say such things. On the one hand, I appreciate someone who is direct and to the point, on the other hand, sometimes that can be too blunt.

Carole

Veteran

Diana, so very similar..most of us are super sensitive about weight, too! Did that have an impact on you...making you feel like you needed to lose weight?

I think if she had followed up with something like "your really getting up there, we should check for this or that or you look great or something positive, it would've helped soften the statement. I just don't see the point of the statement, I guess that's what bothers me. Obviously, we all get older until we die.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think doctors have a lot to learn when it comes to social skills. So 57 is now "getting up there" when people are living into their 90's and 100's? Hmm, only 30 or 40 more years to go, right?

Carole

Veteran

Texstyle...yes...we are human after all, with feelings...emotionally charged ones at this point in life...I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, that's why I wished I would've said something, like "ouch"!

Diana

Veteran

Yeah, it was the same thing. She made that offhand comment about my weight and then didn't talk about it at all. I was a bit too flabbergasted to ask about it. I definitely obsessed over it for a while afterwards. I did ask about it at my next physical, which was with the much nicer nurse practitioner, who said it was only an issue if I was unhappy with my weight, and was not a health concern.

abc

Veteran

I was just in a business meeting where the presenter mentioned a very wise quote - it's not what is said, it's what is heard. Stands true in this situation, no?

I suspect like others the doc didn't say it for any reason other than to view the medical implications of your age. Try not to stress. Lots of other good advice on this thread too. Take care.

SW Ann

Veteran

While it may not have been meant as critical, the only comeback that might have clarified would be you saying "exactly what did you mean by that?" He/she might have then gone on to explain but also may have then understood his/her comment was insensitive in its presentation. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at thinking of these things at times like this, usually only in retrospect.... I'm not particularly sensitive about my age (59) but I would not have taken this well....

Irene

Veteran

She´s been treating you for over 20 years. I doubt she's a baby herself? I think she was speaking purely on medical terms.

Helena

Veteran

Carole, I get everyone's point about her intending it in a clinical way, but I do find that quite rude and insensitive. I think you were quite right to be taken aback. I hope the reassurance from others helps you to let it go so it's not bothering you so much. I think 57 is prime time!!!!

celia

Veteran

Carole I am as stung by those kind of comments as you are. In my opinion doctors are there to help us live healthier balanced lives not to make decisions on how you should live your life.
And all that ' I am the doctor I don't have to explain nothing to you ' also irks me.

donnat

Veteran

I think your doctor has no bedside manner. I don't think they teach tact in medical school. I would definately take the comment with a grain of salt. I am sure no insult was intended, she may have been unintentionally projecting her own age insecurities on to you.

Carole

Veteran

Thank you, everyone, for letting me vent..I appreciate all the great advise and understanding:)

Diana-I've always been unable to make a quick comeback..,have to stew over things a bit.

Abc-good point, how something is delivered can make all the difference...I'm not angry or anything-just felt it was rude...

Irene...she's probably 10 years older

SW Ann-I'm not quick on the uptake either, first it has to sink in and eat at me a little but "exactly what do you mean" would have been a good thing to say...I think then she would have realized it might not have been the most appropriate thing to say. Thank you!

Torontogirl...thank you for understanding...everyone's comments are totally right on...just needed to vent with my fab friends!

Celia-I guess I would have thought a female doctor would be more sensitive!

Carole

Veteran

Donnat, just missed your post...I'm glad it's not just me who thinks this way...I am a sensitive person, but I don't think that's so unusual especially at my age (tongue in cheek)

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I agree 100% with DEB.

Carole, it was a medical and analytical observation that puts you into a specific physiological segment - like menapause. And nothing more than that. Don't give it a second thought.

My OBGYN said I was old to fall pregnant at 35 because my eggs were old. The female body is meant to bear children at a younger age because it's healthier all round that way (for you and the baby). Although women tend to start families older than a generation ago, the female reproductive system was not designed to do it. It's a physiological fact. So I didn't take offense at all.

Some doctors have better bedside manners than others, Carole. Onward and upward. (((HUGS))).

Carole

Veteran

You are so right, Angie. I know she didn't mean to offend me but I guess it was just the words she used or something that just rubbed me the wrong way. I'm not angry, just ultra sensitive, I guess, about aging.

Thanks for the group hug, everyone.

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

A great joke:

What do they call the person who finished last place in medical school?

Doctor.

unfrumped

Veteran

I agree no insult was intended, but "getting up there" was a bit non-specific and maybe too non-medical --that's what would annoy me, it sounds more like what a lay person would say or be on one of those awful birthday cards and therefore harder to fit it in with my doctor's plans for my health. Like, right, okay, what do you want me to do about it? Would have been better if she had linked it to, you're this or that age, that means it is time for screening for this, or time to review for any symptoms of that, or review diet and exercise, or something. So I agree, it actually means nothing, but it didn't sound right. Maybe it's all part of the casualization of conversation, too, so trying not to use medicalese, but I'd prefer more. I'm taking notes, too!

Em

I would've said: Do you think you're getting DOWN there?

Carole

Veteran

Rambling Ann and Em ...thanks for that , lol:)

Unfrumoed , exactly! If she had followed "wow your really getting up there" with "its time for this or to do that", I wouldn't have even given it another thought

Em

You know, Carole, they're disgusting! I'm unfortunate enough to have to go to doctors for the past 6 years. Guess what the male nurse tells me every time I go: How are WE doing? 80% of the time I respond: I'm fine, but I don't know about you. How are YOU?! You'd think he'd get a hint and stop, right?! Noooo! Next time I may tell him: WE're feeling terrible!

First of all, I'm not a 100. Second of all, even if I were a 100, I still wouldn't appreciate this condescending tone!

Carole

Veteran

Em-I'm so sorry you have to make frequent trips to the doctor and it's crazy that he hasn't picked up on your hints...bravo for speaking up! I wish I was quicker on my feet! Next time I will hopefully be prepared for get to clarify what she means!

Em

I gotta give ya some lessons, Carole! That's why I don't normally post on this forum ;-), but couldn't help it seeing you hurt. Just wanted to put a smile on your face and tell you that you don't have to put up with this!

Gaylene

Veteran

Random, careless comments do have the potential to sting, but I think it's important to consider the context and intent. I know the intent of everyone here is to be supportive, but, as I'm reading these comments, I'm thinking there are a few doctors in our midst who might be getting stung by some of these words.

I like Angie's gentle reminder that doctors need to be, first and foremost, analytical and factual in practicing their profession. Sensitivities are personal, and often private, so it's hard to see how your doctor could have predicted your response unless you have discussed your feelings about aging with her in previous sessions.

Adelfa

Veteran

When I was 29 I was starting to have some gall bladder problems and my doctor explained to me that these tended to afflict those who were fair, fat, and 40. I was neither fair nor fat, so he addressed the age issue. "The good news is, you're not there yet. The bad part is, you're getting there."

What? Me? Getting near 40 at 29? Only in the technical sense! I was astounded and have never forgotten his remark!

So I definitely get at least a little bit how your doctor's remark might have struck you!

Doctors do think about age in their own clinical way. My best friend, a physician, has at times talked about my age in a way that took me aback somewhat, even though I knew what was happening. I guess medically it's not completely great to be in our 50s!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

An interesting thread for me, for sure ... I generally have a pretty quippy manner about me, but I think sometimes people take what I say out of context and may take offense to it. It works better if they confront me about it, and so I can clarify and/or apologize as needed right away, vs. let it fester and affect our therapeutic relationship.

I always encourage patients to tell me if something I am saying is bringing up feelings or making them feel uncomfortable or even really comfortable. Feedback is important for the type of work that we do.

As a patient, I had a doc who told me that I needed to lose more weight, and she pulled out pictures of her daughter who was modelling for Chanel at the time: "Isn't she beautiful?" and held up a perfume ad to my face. I never have forgotten THAT experience.

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