I have been married twice. I did not change my name. It didn't occur to me to change my name. If I had children they would have had my name.

I did take my first DH's last name as my middle name. I did not have a middle name and it bothered me. So now I have a middle name. My first DH died so I feel like I have something of him with me always. Hard to explain.

My name is part of my identity. It does have something to do with my profession and I was working before I was married but it is bigger than that for me.

I changed my name, but changed my middle name to my maiden name to preserve it. I did not have a particular connection to it professionally and I changed to a ridiculously long name that is continuously misspronounced. I enjoy hearing telemarketers struggle with it just a little. It seemed right for the kids to me, but now my DD wants my maiden name because her cousin and grandma have that last name. She's only 6, but if she ever wanted it as an adult I would let her have it.
I'd only suggest make the decision before the wedding so you only have to do the paperwork once (and not pay extra).

When we got married, my husband and I each kept our names. We lived in a country where that was the done thing. Then when we moved to the US a few years later no one could say his name properly. Ever. So he took my last name.

I could not wait until I was married to change my last name, but I traded for a much more unpronouncable name. I tried to get my DH to legally change the spelling or even shorten the name and he would not hear of it. Don't know what my DD would do, but she said she is toying with idea of shortening her surname.

My friend's daughter was emphatically not changing her last name when she married and even announced it during her reception for everyone to hear. She really was not established in her career at the time and said she wanted to keep it because it was part of her Polish heritage. Her husband's last name was much easier to spell and pronounce. Well, not because of this, the marriage lasted only a year. She remarried a few years later and for whatever reason took her husband's last name.

I think a unique last name is a great identifier. It makes you stand out and not blend in, whether it is your surname or your husband's. Wouldn't it be great if we could choose an entirely new last name after we marry?!

@Style Fan, that is a sad circumstance but I think it's lovely that you kept part of your first DH's name.

It really is a personal decision and you sound like you have thought this out. I wanted to keep mine , as my father died when I was just 13.. I also thought my husband's was a fair exchange with same amount of letters , same amount of vowels and both have double constant in the middle.. I chose to keep my maiden name as my middle name and his as my last.
If I hadn't liked his name or thought it would be mispronounced, misspelled or didn't sound right with my first name, I would have kept my maiden name...
If the two of you are ok with it, I say do what feels right for you!

I agree: it's a personal decision, and you can use one name professionally, another socially.

My only advice is that your legal documents all match: if you decide to change your name, make sure your driver's license, passport, social security all bear the same name. I had a friend who felt ambivalent about changing, so she changed some, but not all, and ended up with questions and hassles from various government agencies. Granted, this was 20 years ago; maybe things are easier on that front now, but I'd hate for you to face unnecessary challenges.

I kept my own name when I married for the first time at 28, and my husband was fine with that; we gave our daughter his name, and I was fine with that. I'll keep my name when I marry again this summer.

It's a very personal decision. For me it was a no-brainer and I just took DH's name. I was young, and still fresh in the career-dept. I ended up moving and changing jobs right after we married, so it was easy to just start fresh with the new name. I like the ease of one name for the family unit for me, but totally understand all the different variations. Very interesting stories here so far

I kept my maiden name; changing it would be giving up my ethnic identifier for his. When DD was born, I/we intended that my maiden name be her middle name and DH's last name be her last name since her first name reflected my ethnicity. Well, DH registered her birth certificates with both our last names (unhyphenated) as her last name! By the time I noticed it, it was so late that we would have had to go through a formal name change procedure. Not!

I registered DD for school using only her dad's last name as her last name, or maybe I showed the BC but told the school she used only the one. Then, in high school she decided to use her full dual last name, all eight syllables. Of course, my seven letters, the space, plus DH's nine letters fits on no computer form. In college, DD also decided to use her full ethnic first name rather than the shortened version we use as well as both last names. Go figure. I'm not sure what she will do if she ever needs to use business cards. Who wants to read a name in 5 point print? Certainly nobody my age!!!

None of my feminist, professional school bound '70s era college gal pals changed their names; I think changing was probably regarded as being a traitor to our gender, lol. DH travelled in more traditional circles so his crowd did. These days the decision is more fluid.

Do what works for you and what feels right.

I kept my maiden name when I married. DH's last name is actually easier to pronounce and spell than mine, but I was already established professionally and didn't want to change my name. Also, there's a distant relative in my city who has my first name and DH's last name, so two of us in the family would have had the same name.

We gave DS DH's last name--it's easier and also conventional in our somewhat-conservative city. I am completely comfortable with DS having DH's last name.

I do get a wee bit annoyed by a couple super-conservative relatives--both women--who always address mail to me as "Mrs. DHfirstname DHlastname." I'm reasonably sure they do it to express their disapproval of my keeping my last name.

I haven't read through the replies, but my first thought was 'go with your gut'. It's a very personal decision, and there's no right or wrong answer. There are different situations, though, which make keeping your maiden name the more practical option (like if you've established a professional reputation with it), and other situations which lend weight to changing your name (like if you know you want kids).

I personally didn't pay attention to any of the pros or cons. I just did what my heart wanted. I loved the man I was marrying, I quite liked his surname, and was genuinely happy to become a part of his family. I therefore wanted to change my name. I liked my maiden name too, but the bottom line was that my desire to have his surname overrode my desire do keep my own. (Although if his surname had been something really embarrassing and unfortunate, I'm not ashamed to admit that I probably wouldn't have changed my name!).

As it happens, we did have kids (I wasn't 100% sure, when we got married, if I wanted them or not) and I have to say it's very useful having the same surname as them. But if for some reason a woman wants to keep her surname and she later has children who get their father's surname, it's by no means an insurmountable problem. So if you change your mind down the road and have a baby, and you've kept your maiden name, don't sweat it.

So, the question is: in your heart of hearts, do you want to take your husband's name? If so, do it. If not, keep your maiden name. If you want to have your husband's name but also hold onto your own, I think keeping your maiden name as a middle name is probably the best option.

Super interesting thread!
I decided not to change my name initially, primarily for work reasons. Also,
my husband is Jewish and I was not raised Jewish. His name reflects that heritage and I was not ready to have a name that indicated something that was not actually my heritage. I completely wanted our children to have my husband's name - never a question.

But, when we had our first son in 1995, the baby's hospital wrist band had my name, not my husband's, and there was a little security hassle for my husband to prove he was the baby's daddy! I realized it probably made sense to legally change my name at that point.

When I made my next job move, I decided it would be time to fully switch. I got new business cards with my married name. Ironically, the guy who hired me in that job had the same last name as my husband - same spelling! People at work, and clients, asked if we were married!! He was absolutely not someone I wanted anyone to think that I was married to. I took this as a sign, promptly went back to my maiden name for work, and my married name legally for family, and there it has stayed for 21 years. I do have a bit of dual identity crisis from time to time!

My full legal name is first-maiden-married.

I took his last name and kept my maiden name as my "legal" middle name.

Personal decision, and how wonderful that we have so many options!

I kept my name. Professionally it always seemed a little too personal to see a woman's marriage history over the years through her publication authorship.

I don't mind if people call me Mrs. 'MrLaurinda' socially, some of my relatives just cannot imagine my name not changing.

A little geek humor from XKCD ;-).

I was thinking of hyphenating my last name, but my maiden name is a German name and everyone pronounces and spells it incorrectly. DH's last name is an Irish/Scottish one and is super easy, or so I thought. There are actually 2 different ways of spelling it so I always end up rattling off the correct spelling.

In retrospect, I now wish I had just kept with my original plan and hyphenated our last names.

I took DH's name when we got married. I like my maiden name but wanted to be a family unit when we had kids, which I knew we would be having. But even if we hadn't planned on children I probably still would have changed because I liked the idea of us being a unit, of being the L's. I was young and didn't have any reason to keep my name for professional reasons. I will say that it took a while to get used to a new name. I don't think it's that big of a deal though and you should do whatever feels right to you.

I have not read the other comments so probably not adding anything new here.

Kari, I do happen to know your last name and I love it. Not only because you won't need to spell it out.

FWIW I also kept my birth name. I have no attachment to it; I think it was more a symbolic thing (to buck the assumption that women should change), and also I didn't feel like I strongly loved my husband's last name. He happened to not care. If my husband had had a family name that I'd really liked, I might have changed it.

And I do get why women try to hyphenate names as a solution, but I also find them unwieldy and unattractive much of the time. And I notice that usually both parties are not doing the hyphenating.

Thank you all for sharing your decision making process and why your choice worked for you. This is a great help! I don't especially have a strong gut feeling, but I'm definitely leaning towards the middle name strategy. Also, I really like my middle name so if I go that way I'll end up with two middle names. I want to make sure B. Is really ok with me not taking his last name as my own is I decide to go that route.