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Changing last name?

Kari

Veteran

After getting engaged I've been wondering whether I want to change my last name following the wedding.

I like my last name; I like that the word has ties to a profession/hobby many of my family members have and do engage in. I'm also part of what will probably be the last generation with that name, assuming that my female sibling/cousins don't give their own last name to their kids.

My fiancée has an Irish last name that has a lot of great history, and I love his family. But his last name is ALWAYS mispronounced/has to be spelled out, at least in the US.

So I have a lot of conflicting thoughts about changing my name vs. not. B. doesn't have particularly strong feelings about it; one of his sisters in law elected to keep her maiden name. But he wouldn't want to change his own name: that's not something we are considering.

My first name (which I pronounce like "Carrie") already gets mispronouced or misspelled a lot of the time. (For privacy reasons I'm not disclosing B's or my last names here.)
Our names wouldn't hyphenate well, but I've given thought to taking his name either as a second middle name, or making my own last name a second middle name. I don't know if we will ever have kids-probably not, if you ask me today-and neither of us are in a profession where it would be hard to change our name.

So, talk with me, those of you who have grappled with this decision (also welcoming opinions of those who have changed their names for other reasons, divorce, etc. - it's really interesting to hear why a new name works for you!) What led you to make a decision one way or another? Any pitfalls or regrets?

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47 replies

Latest reply was from Kari

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

A very personal decision.

FWIW, I never grappled with the decision. I wanted to change my name. I am actually known to the world legally as Angélique Cox-Frieszo (all documentation reads my full name). My surname is double barreled to include my Dutch maiden name. You try spelling that out to people. Not so fab. So i shortened it further to Angie Cox. It was a brilliant decision. And if we had children - they would have all been Cox. Simple, practical and a family unit.

froggiebecky

Veteran

I changed my name when I got married, (from a W to an M name), and then changed it back when I got divorced. It was such a hassle to do that I vowed I wouldn't change my name again, as I'd paid $50 to reclaim it! (also, my profession ties a lot of recognition to name, so if I re-married, I would at least have to keep my maiden name around in my professional sphere)

I suppose I would think about any possible kids--if you keep your name, would you want them to have Smith-Jones for their name? or Fiance's last name? I have one friend who kept her name, but their children have their father's name, to avoid the hyphenation. I always wonder, too--as that becomes more common, what happens when Smith-Jones grows up and wants to marry Doe-Baker?
For the record, my mom did one of your suggestions: her maiden name became her middle name. That's what a lot of the women in my family did.

Helena

Veteran

Hi there, I took my husband's name for practical purposes (primarily kids, and I liked the idea of having a 'family' name and was comfortable following the conventional way). HOWEVER, I usually refer to myself in the hyphenated form and have one piece of ID in that name, just in case ... it's a pain at times but worth it to me to keep it on the books, so to speak Good luck with the decision! Ultimately, what people do is so varied, I would just follow your heart on this one.

Eliza

Veteran

Such a personal decision. Some focus on the logistics (sound, confusion, spelling out) and others on the meaning of either having a new name or keeping the name one has had since birth.

Our kids are now in their mid to late twenties, so I just want to chime in to say I have seen both options work well. I chose not to change my name despite the fact that it has to be spelled every time (short, one syllable, but confusing) and my husband's last name is as simple as Jones (but not). My husband was comfortable with any choice except hyphenating; he felt that would be cumbersome. We live in an area where maybe 30% of the kids in elementary school had parents with different last names. Wasn't a big deal for our kids or us to navigate. They each have a middle name that originates from my side of the family.

Trust your gut and do what works best for the two of you.

Happy wedding plans!

elpgal

Veteran

If you keep your name, you can change it later if you have kids and want to have the same last name. In my South Asian community, our last names are our father's first name. I didn't change my name because it felt odd to abandon my father's name and take on my FIL's.

I also know of a Thompson and a Kennedy who married and changed all their last names to Kennson. (Names changed)

Meredith

Veteran

This is not my story, but I always found it interesting. I have a friend who kept her maiden name after marriage. She explained that the time around her marriage was the first time she felt very comfortable and proud in her life and identity and she felt her maiden name was an important part of that. About 5 years later she ended up taking her husbands name. She did it because they were adopting a daughter but also because she personally felt ready.

I personally took my husbands name (also Irish, also must be spelled out along with my first name). I've never found it to be much of an inconvenience, but that's just me. I did keep my middle and maiden names as part of my legal name because I like them. Sounds like your fiancé is supportive, so I don't think you can go wrong.

Diana

Veteran

I did not change mine. I have known I wouldn't my entire life, and I would not have married someone who insisted I change it. My rationale is that I've grown into the name (and it's a name that did get me teased as a child) and it would feel strange and disingenuous to just abandon it. (Plus in my profession it's better to keep a single name for the sake of ones publication record.) I would have considered hyphenating, except the combination of my and j's last names is really, really terrible (and also pretty funny, so some friends jokingly refer to us that way.). Anyway, if we have children I am happy to have them have his last name. That's not an issue to me at all.

I did not encounter any resistance, except oddly enough from the (complete stranger) courthouse clerk who processed our marriage license. Go figure. Although you should know that there will be people who insist on calling you by your husband's name regardless. It's somewhat of a running joke between me and j seeing all the weird permutations that I get called on things like Christmas cards, wedding invites, etc.

Dee

Veteran

I did not change my name when I got married and my husband never expected me to. I felt like my name was a part of my identity and giving it up felt strange, for both personal and professional reasons. Now, I am 1) not religious, 2) not planning on having kids, 3) surrounded by peers who have probably gone 50/50 on changing their names, so it was pretty much a non-issue for me.

That said, my husband's extended, more traditional family sends mail to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname (occassially Dr. and Dr. Hisname). I'm not too bothered by it. Although since we both have doctorates, and I finished mine first, there was a period where we got addressed as Dr. and Mr. Hisname, which was pretty funny.

Elly

Veteran

I don't know what I will do with mine, Kari. I just thought I'd chime in since I think there are a lot of people who labor over that decision. Even my mother, who changed her last name now wishes that she had dropped her middle name and added her maiden name. It doesn't help that people constantly refer to her by her maiden name despite being married for more than a quarter of a century.

Kids aren't currently an issue with the SO and I as it would be risky to have biological children with my heart condition and we aren't very interested in adoption at this stage in our lives.

I have some professional presence, but haven't finished an advanced degree and published journal articles, etc.

I do and don't like my last name -- I do like that is exotic sounding by ethnically ambiguous. The SO's is so "white bread". My name won't die out with me, but I don't have close cousins or siblings that will likely pass it on to our direct lines.

He is not interested in taking my name --- I even suggested us both taking an Irish name (his is Irish but has been Anglicized) from my lineage.

Hyphenation or keeping both names is problematic. The typical way in my community is to use the maiden name as a second middle name, but my initials would include "BM".

So:
LAB
LAM
LABM
LAMB

are the options!

Joyce B

Veteran

I hyphenated but kept my maiden name for professional matters and the children have my husband's name.
You have to decide what works best for your situation.
All the best with your plans.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I'm not sure I can be much use here, but this is my story.

Before we married, Mr. Suz and I lived together for ten years. During that time, obviously, I did not take his surname.

But unofficially, I took a completely different name -- as my professional (writing) name! (It's a name from my mother's side of the family.)

Then, Mr. Suz and I decided to adopt and we needed to get married. But by then, it would have seemed odd to take his name. So I didn't.

Besides, I had been married before and hadn't taken my first husband's surname -- although (waving at Angie) my decision then was partly based on the fact that he was from the Netherlands and had a really difficult-to-pronounce name! (Meanwhile, Mr. Suz's name is easier to pronounce but is always misspelled; my legal surname is easy-peasy.)

These days, I regularly get called by four different surnames -- my professional name, my own maiden (and still legal) surname, my husband's surname, and double barrelled combinations of the last three!

In all seriousness, it sounds a lot messier than it is. In fact, the bank and tax people have no problems dealing with me under either or both of my surnames.

Anyway. Fast forward ten years from the marriage and we had a daughter. We just went ahead and gave her Mr. Suz's surname. It sounded better with her first name and meant she would have the same surname as her much older half-siblings. It made sense.

But she ended up "double-barrelled" anyway -- because we also kept her Chinese surname as her middle name.

So you see...I'm not a good example. But I would adopt your husband's name as a middle name if you like it and like the feeling. And then call yourself whatever the heck you want!

columbine(erin)

Veteran

My only comment is that I decided to make my maiden a second middle name. I like my initials. I like my signature. However, since I had to have a military ID, and they don't have room to spell it out, I've had a lot of confusion and frustration at times when I've had to update a license or what have you. In my state they don't take passports as a form of ID, and my birth certificate was lost by the passport folks when I got my passport, so I had quite a time proving my existence. So...if your names are long, just think about how you need it to look on various forms of ID so that it's completely consistent.

shipskitty

Veteran

I have been married twice (am still with DH #2) and didn't change my name either time. So I still have my original surname. For me, it was all about my professional identity. I had spent years building up a reputation and I didn't want to dilute that or lose that - it's a branding issue - unless it was super important to my partner. Fortunately it wasn't to either. Some of my family think that is eccentric but then they also think many other aspects of my life are eccentric including being the main breadwinner in the household and having a career as an engineer. They all deal (or send me Xmas cards in my husband's name which I just accept without comment because that's how families are sometimes).

Obviously you won't be thinking about this but it was also a comfort to me when I went through my divorce because that was part of me that could remain unchanged through the whole process and was still essentially me (divorce makes you question lots of things about yourself sometimes).

With respect to children - I always felt that they should carry their father's name - because that is the tradition in my family and indeed is where my surname came from. My DS is from my second marriage and he bears his father's name which is a decision that works for us.

No regrets.

Nebraskim

Veteran

I kept my name because I had had it for 42 years and it was how I was known professionally. My name is unusual and hard to pronounce but it's me and I cannot imagine changing it. When I told my fiance, he said, "I would have been surprised had you changed it."

FWIW, it's slightly harder to change your name in a few years if you change your mind than if you do it right after marrying. You have to go through court, get an OK from a judge, etc. I don't know why.

It's a deeply personal decision and some in my family (cough cough My Mother) were appalled. My father, who has since died, was proud, however, of my decision.

I have never regretted keeping my name. Do what feels right for you. I do have friends who legally took the spouse name but kept their "maiden" name professionally. And one set of friends, the man took her name as her familly only had daughters, he had six brothers and a very common last name. Hers was unusual and now their son carries her family name forward.

Mander

(website)

Veteran

I didn't bother, partly out of an academic recognition thing, partly because my surname is unique (only a handful of us come up in Google searches, and I rather like that!). But the main reason was practical.

I was living in the UK with a visa at the time we got married, and the US changed the law so that you can't have a passport amended to reflect a name change -- you need a whole new one. So I would have had to apply for a new US passport, then apply to have my visa transferred, not to mention changing my name with banks etc. in two countries. I decided it was not worth hundreds of pounds in fees and the hassle of waiting.

My husband doesn't care. People often call me "Mrs. Hisname" or even "Dr. Hisname" and it doesn't bother me. I imagine that if we ever have kids we'll just give them his name, with mine as a middle name, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

JillG

I took my husband's last name. It was my own choice and any alternative would have been fine with him. I mainly looked at the practical part of this decision. I have an unusual first name (not Jill) and have spent my whole life spelling it and correcting people's pronunciation. My husband's name is more common than my maiden name, so I chose his name as the simpler option. Had his name been a difficult one I probably would have kept my maiden name, which paired well enough with my difficult first name.

I didn't have a particular attachment to my maiden name. My professional credential (CPA) remains in my maiden name. That is my own way to separate work vs. personal life.

I will say it's taken me years to really see myself as Jill Hisname, though.

deb

Veteran

My mom who got married in 1953 has her maiden name as her middle name. If she had kept her middle name her initials would have been, PEW, and that just did not fly. Her initials are PRW instead.

Joy

Veteran

I took my husband's name, completely dropping my maiden name. It seems strange for awhile but since then has felt right.

Echo

Veteran

This is such a personal decision, and what is right for one person may not be right for the next. I changed my surname. The reasons for me were as follows: First, my dad was never particularly attached to his own surname. Indeed, he suggested the he and my mum take her 4 letter English surname instead of his 12 letter German one, but she refused. Second, at the time I was married, I was not well-established professionally so it was not difficult to change. Last, we intended to have children and I would not allow my children to take a name that wasn't my own. I've always found it somewhat offensive that lineage is traced through the father anyway, and if I'd had a different surname the children would have been given mine.

Although DH would have been okay with me keeping my maiden name, I knew he would have great difficulty if the children did not take his name. His family is well-established in the area in which we live, with roots going back to the founding of the town. The street we live on carries his surname. So all in all, it made sense that we all take his name, especially given that we live in the same area.

Jeanie

Veteran

This is a personal decision but one I feel strongly about. I changed my name when I married DH1. I was young it just seemed like what people did and I didn't give it too much thought. The marriage was short but I didn't want to change my name back to my maiden name because I was just establishing myself professionally. Sooo then 8 years later everyone professionally knew me by DH1's name when I met DH2. Of course to marry DH2 I had to change my name as it would be weird (for him) if I kept another man's name and he had strong opinions about me taking his name. The name changed caused great confusion professionally and I still have people who remember me as DH1's name. Whenever, someone asks my opinion now, I wholeheartedly recommend that they don't change their name. There is a lot of explaining that goes on when you change your name (it is happy explaining when you get married but uncomfortable & too personal if you get divorced or widowed) and people get confused, make judgements and it all takes a very long time to work out. I just look back and think a man would never have to go though this. Each of our paths in life are different and you don't know where life will take you but it's nice to count on your name staying the same.

Desmo April

(website)

Veteran

I kept my name. I always knew I would at least back to grade school. I'm positive that a relationship would never have gotten very far with someone that expected me to change. It's never been an issue.

rachylou

Veteran

I guess I'm old and not a doctor - no licenses in my maiden name. I'd simply change it. Go where my husband goes and all that, because even my original feminist mom changed hers, and well, Chinese girls don't belong to their birth family. 'Course on my dad's side that's all different, and I belong more to that side. But it all gets complicated, because in the old country, I go by the family name which is this hyphenated thing by accident (ie, no inheritance whatnot involved). I do it so people understand who I am. The hyphenated name is on my younger uncles' birth certificates, but was not on my dad's and other older uncles. Even my cousins go by the hyphenated name when their proper name is something totally different. That's the third world for you. There's documentation and then how people understand who you are. Anyways, I don't feel men get much respect inthe U.S., and that's another reason I'd do it... Not to get all sociopolitical...

retailgirl

Veteran

My last name is my husband's last name. I use my maiden name as my middle name. ( I guess my real middle name is lost !). I never thought twice about it...my mother used her maiden name as her middle name. I felt no compunction to keep my name as my last name. And I wanted to have my husband's name, he is my family. This is a personal decision. Do what feels right for you.

MsMary

Veteran

I have to think I am the resident expert here because I have changed my name THREE times! LOL Birth name to Husband 1, H1 to H2, then back to H1 after divorcing H2.

I changed my name originally because I always hated my name and H1's name was a big improvement aesthetically. I was very young and career didn't enter into it. Didn't plan to change to H2 but I offered in a weak moment and he jumped on it and then I felt stuck. Ugh. Changed back because H1's name is also my son's name, I still hate my birth name, and no way was I keeping H2's name after a bad marriage and divorce. It's been a little confusing and awkward (people congratulating me on what they assume is a marriage and me saying "congratulations are indeed in order but not for the reason you think!") but honestly it all dies down fairly quickly and life goes on. (Except I'll admit it's been 8 months and I still sometimes refer to myself by the wrong name...)

Generally I am in favor of a woman keeping her own name. If you like your name and B has no particularly strong feelings, I recommend you do just that.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

SO and I were fiddling with different formats, and decided on the following:
A B marries C D and they become A B-D and C D-B.
Both of us can prioritize our own names, and link ourselves to the other. Not sure what the future children will have, but having a long, foreign name has actually made me immune to objections of length or pronunciation. Because of biometric profiling and SSNs, names are less and less relevant for ancestry, which is the only compelling argument for not changing one's name entirely.
I have friends who adopted a name together, but that won't appeal to the need to link oneself to one's past.

MsMary

Veteran

Gradfashionista, my suggestions is give girl children the mom's version of the hyphenated name, and boy children the dad's version. And for women who keep their names, I suggest giving that name to girl children as well!

Elle

Veteran

I think you should go with your gut feeling - both changing and not changing can work well.

I did not change my name - partly because I felt like myself with my original surname and partly because my husband's last name is difficult to spell. Both children took my husband's name. We always felt like a family and it's been a non-issue.

Good luck with your decision.

Dimity

There are lots of good thoughts here. I'm tending to agree with Jeanie. You never expect it when life happens, but a name is such an integral part of you that it's nice to retain consistency.

Isis

Veteran

Ms Mary, we did what you suggested. I kept my maiden name, and my girl child has my last name whereas my boy child has my husband's last name. It worked. There are so many blended families, no one blinked an eye.

We could not have hyphenated as each of our two last names has two capital letters, additional punctuation, and both are long!

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