Anna- another fabber who had empathy, is glad you are here and has walked in the shoes you describe. It is tough. Sounds like you may be navigating substantial physical pain, as well as the aggravation of a narrow minded fashion industry. Try to be as good to yourself as you would be to me. I wish you patience with the way forward, comfort in the process and the space to appreciate the things that are working. You are not alone.

Hugs to you, Anna. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this, because having fun with fashion is so important to you. It is depressing to attend an event like the Madewell one only to find that they don't stock anything in your size in-store. Since I am very short, I have that issue with petite sizing not being carried in-store, and it really rains on a person's parade knowing that you will be going home empty-handed.

It is also tough to decide what to do about clothes that don't fit. I've had a lot of health problems and resulting weight fluctuations, and you never know if you hang onto something whether you are going to still feel the same way about the item in six months or a year. So I like to hold on to things that don't fit, but I also feel boxed in when I get too much stuff that I can't use (or can't wear). So you're darned if you do and darned if you don't.

You said that the weight issue is something you can "sorta control" but can't. Just from my own experience, I find that weight has a lot to do with our emotions, and we can't always control our emotions. So weight isn't always that controllable. I hope you can be kind to yourself as you navigate this difficult patch.

A lot of empathy and a bit of advice. Start small for now with things you can control.

Such great advice here.

Anna, in the short time I've been on yfl, I've been fascinated by your cool individual style, and weight is absolutely irrelevant to that. The fashion industry can be so frustratingly short-sighted to place such ridiculous restrictions on who can wear their garments. I see this shopping with my sis and others.

Whichever path you go down, please be kind to your fabulous self.

There is a lot of wisdom and support on this thread and I hope you are finding it as inspiring to read as I have. This might be controversial, but I think we need to let go of the idea that our weight is something we could tame if we had stronger will or whatever, and find other areas of life to gain a sense of control when everything is haywire. From everything I have read lately, and I read almost as much about nutrition and fitness as I do fashion, we really don't control our weight as much as we are brainwashed to believe. There are strong biological forces at work, and I can imagine that a body that is suffering pain and injury is sending out powerful messages to store and conserve energy. Take control of your wardrobe by reaching out to inventive independents that must exist, or designing clothes that someone will make to order. You could be an inspiration to many that way. Warm thoughts Anna.

Big hugs, Anna. There is no perfect size or wardrobe. Circumstances keep changing throughout life. You are beautiful, a wonderful person inside and out.

I'm so sorry to hear of all your troubles. Wow, can I sympathize with the back pain. I herniated a disk about 4 years ago and there were times I thought I would not get over it. And I wasn't even to the point that anyone was talking surgery. I did slowly get over it and feel a lot better these days. Not 100% but 90% most days. I will send such good wishes your way for you to feel better, have a good surgical outcome and for things to start looking up.

Anna,

I don't know you well, but I've definitely walked a mile in your shoes. After a successful weight loss 5 years ago, I've regained back to my original weight and then some. And it sucks. And I hate it.

BUT, I've decided one of the best things about being 5 years older is I can have a different perspective. I've been here before, and until I can manage the issues that led to my weight gain, I can focus on the things that make me feel good about my style.

Some thoughts for you...
- What feels best to you? Could you look into a small capsule (2 tops/bottoms) that can start you off? For me it's fab jeans, a nicely shaped shirt, and signature shoes or jewelry. Good news -- shoes and jewelry ALWAYS fit!
- Have you tried/can you try some subscription boxes? I've recently tried Le Tote, and like the idea of packing up the clothes and sending back if they don't work. No commitments, and no stress.
- can any of your current pieces be altered? Might be worth the cost with a seamstress to keep your favorite top or pants in the rotation.
- can you save some favorites in an "almost there" box? I've got 2 boxes in my closet to try in 6 months. by then I may have some better perspective on giving them away.

Thank you for such an honest post. I hope you feel all the support and love from others on the forum!

Anna, I read this yesterday although I hardly ever manage to be on the forum these days. I can easily understand the pain and frustration of changing sizes and having a wardrobe full of amazing clothes you may or may not ever wear again, and that it is harder to find clothes in your current size range. but the thing that stuck out in my mind that brought me back today that is really bothering me is the part where you say the one thing you can sort of control (your body) is not under your control. Although it is easy to understand feeling that way, I think you are being really unkind to yourself. First of all, I don't know exactly what is going on in your life, but if there is some kind of back pain issue, surely that has changed your ability to exercise, which is huge, and it is not fair to blame yourself for that. Beyond what exercise does for your physical appearance, for many people it is essential for their mood, and it can be a double whammy when you lose both things at once. I believe our bodies have their own physiology, their own path that they want to be on, and if you don't like what your body wants, it is really, really hard work to fight it. I think when you are fighting your body, it can work when circumstances are optimal, but upheaval or other difficult circumstance makes it all the more difficult, and it is exactly at this time when you need to be gentle with yourself and full of love instead of beating yourself that much harder.

I don't have a lot of time to ponder my words and express myself properly, but I think the best course of action would be to do a major clear out, so that there is space in your wardrobe for whatever is next. If you aren't ready to get rid of things I would pack them away out of sight. Frankly, if it's in the cards I would get Angie to help you because I know she can be both supportive, professional, and efficient. I would just get it done quickly and move on.

Anna, I soooo get it. I've struggled with my weight since day 1. When I look back at my childhood photos I was so chubby and it continued on through adulthood. I've battled it since I was a young teen. First diet when I was 15, lost 60 lbs, gained it all back. The following almost 15 years of my life have been a repeat of diet - lose weight - stop diet - gain weight. I'm at the point where I just want to maintain, not gain, and stop obsessing about it. I've come to terms that I will never be small. It's not in my DNA, not in my genes. I love food. My mom is overweight, etc etc etc. I've never been able to shop "normal" clothes and it sucks big time. I'm just sharing this with you because I GET IT and soooo understand how you're feeling. I reached 185lbs 2 years ago (my low!) and am over 200 again right now. The worst feeling is that you've undone all your hard work. So I have no advice really except that you've proven that you can lose and maintain when things in life are calmer. That should give you some peace. You know it's doable when the time and phase in life are aligned. You'll figure it out. *hugs*

What Angie and Shevia said. A (healthy) body in pain is doing its best to conserve energy for that job. As a health care professional you probably know this. But it is hard to see ourselves as deserving of care when our job is to care for others and our life circumstances emphasize that. (I am thinking of your caring role with your dad as well.)

You have so much going on now. Different person, indeed. I hope the surgery will relieve the pain and allow you to move forward into your life less clouded. And meanwhile, Angie's plan is a great one. You are a stylish woman with a creative spirit. That woman deserves the clothes that make her shine.

As you can see, almost everyone on this forum has been through some of the disillusioning struggles you are experiencing, and wishes you relief from pain, and comfort in your own skin and clothes. Until then, I hope you will take your time about consigning those things that no longer fit. Pain clouds judgment, and closet editing (a difficult task in easier times) is stressful. I would pack away favorites (to be revisited at some point after surgery) and consign only things that make you think, 'This just isn't me; even if it fit perfectly I wouldn't wear it."

Beyond that, I keep thinking about the word Una used to describe you: "Fascinating." Why not write FASCINATING in big letters, and put it up where you'll see it every day? However you are feeling, this is how we perceive you.

I read this and thought of this thread....this is for all of us how feel like we "struggle" with weight!

https://medium.com/@SaraJBenin......3s7elw75f

This thread is a saver for sure. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. Ledonna, Angie, Shevia and everyone else on this thread have offered some great advice.

Echoing what others have said about "controlling our weight." Everyone seems to be different in this regard, but the constant harping on weight control in the media seems to give us the idea that we can do it. Not true, especially as we get older.

Even for women who still wear their regular sizes it has gotten more and more difficult to find something of good quality that is stylish, fits our own idea of how we want to dress, and just fits, period.

Please take heart, Anna--there are a lot of people out here who care about you and look to your great style for inspiration.

Anna I finally donated those awesome yellow DKNY flats and the italian boots last year! I still have the J Crew blazer I got from you though.
I've had similar ups and downs. I joined YLF at my lowest weight in a long time and it slowly crept back.
It can be disconcerting to have to dress and shop differently with these changes. But the best thing about YLF is you can be inspired by all body types and sizes. For me, I can always count on Nordstrom Rack to find something to make me feel more fashionable when I'm in the higher sizes. And of course there are shoes which rarely care about weight and I know you like some great shoes! I've shopped there at every size (including during pregnancies for larger non-maternity items). Like Angie says - dress for the body you have now. I keep a few favorite pieces from each size (not to torture myself that they don't fit always) I recently lost a few pounds and can wear a few things I couldn't for awhile and it feels good to have them there.

I'm sad that you are hurting at this time, Anna, and it sounds like you're dealing with a considerable amount of physical pain along with emotional distress.

I know that. for me, when I'm uber stressed, I cannot maintain a moderate, healthy food and exercise plan. So I've learned to cut myself some slack, temporarily. Life is (hopefully) a very long journey, and there will be plenty of time to bring things into balance later down the road.

I've not yet had the pleasure of meeting you, but I always enjoy your posts. Please be kind to yourself; this too shall pass.

I wish there were *like* buttons on posts, as I have read so many wise and eloquent words to you. Your body will do what it wants to do (hold onto weight) and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! It's that complex network of hormones. At some point in the future when your body is not in such pain and you aren't under the stress you have faced in the past couple of years, perhaps the weight will come off. Or not. You are still a fabulous person.

In the meantime, I hope you use your fabulous eye for sartorial splendor to find new to you sources of style. I know you can do it as well as find a secure, reliable place to accept packages.

Jenava- I love that piece .

Anna, I'm very late to this, but I've read through the thread, and the comments from Una, Khris, Jules and Angie all resonated with my thoughts as I read your post.

Thank you for sharing. This stuff is hard. We can be very demanding and hard on ourselves, and it seems like the tougher times are, the more we demand of ourselves. This has, quite frankly, been a crap year for you, and you deserve better. You've gotten lots of advice in this thread, but I only want to offer support and love. Now that I've spent time with you in person, I know even more than before that you are a fun, smart, witty, engaging, caring, and attractive person, and your size has absolutely zero effect on all of those traits. All the same, I know that it is incredibly frustrating to not fit into a wardrobe that you've had so much fun acquiring and playing with.

It will get better. Getting your back problem addressed and healed is critical, and I have faith that everything else will come together once you have your health back. Please know that I am ready to listen when you need an ear, and I am looking forward to coming back out to the PNW and hanging out with you again! Big hugs, girlfriend.

Jenava, thanks for the link.

Anna. I can only tell you nobody will grab you out of that hole you're in for the moment, -so you'll have to grab yourself up from your own hair and doing that- and then, you'll feel much better again. We're only humans and better leave for the present and as full and happy as possible, no matter our weight or size- hugs!

Dear Anna, first take care of your health .. and then we will see. I also think, like others have already said, that you have a great style, no matter what. I am sure that when you will feel better everything will go better.

I'm late to this and you have gotten a lot of perfect, right on the mark responses already. I just want to say, a lot of us feel your pain and share the struggle, maybe for different reasons but still. Hang in there, you have a bunch of friends here ready to listen whenever you want to talk.

Sorry it took so long to get back. Y'all are great.
Jenava, I read that piece a few days ago, but didn't watch the accompanying video. The focus group was hilarious. It is a good piece, except for me I unfortunately feel I wasn't doing anything especially cool the last few years.

As some alluded to, I will have to get back surgery & will be out of work for a while. I don't have enough saved sick, vacation & comp time to cover it, much will be unpaid. So I really can't get custom clothes made.
Maybe I'll try thrifting Ledonna. Once it cools down here I do have an awesome fringe suede jacket that I got for $20 from a street market.

ETA Rachylou, part of me, a big part of me thought that if I had the right clothes, I'd have the right life ----> right guy. Much of my life is better than eight years ago, but not that department.

ETA 2: gradfashionista, I have someone professional I see for mental health. I'm doing as good or very good for someone in the my circumstances.

It's funny, Anna. I think if I could figure out the right sort of guy, then I could figure out the clothes. That is, I've tried various styles of dress to attract different sorts - and it's worked - I just haven't liked the sorts I've tried. Not enough anyways.

Well, eHarmony told me I'd have better luck navigating through an asteroid field...so I feel that makes it all ok, lol...

Well, Anna, yes: the back surgery first. Really, that is the most important thing. Because you can't be comfortable in your body if your body is dogging you with pain. So get that done, and take the time you need, however you need to do it. And then tackle this stuff. Your fringe jacket awaits. Thrifting awaits. So does everything else. But take care of your body first. xxx

Best wishes for the back surgery, Anna. I don't have much to add to the wisdom already in the thread, but be easy on yourself--you're going through a very hard time and it won't make things better to beat yourself up about it.

Anna, back surgery is no picnic but it will help you. I speak from experience, having had 4 back surgeries. Do exactly what the doctor tells you, no lifting anything, get plenty of rest and know that eventually it will be much better. It takes a while after the surgery to get back to normal but it WILL BE WORTH IT. It is hard to be positive when you are in pain. Put the other things on the back burner, take the time to heal. It does get better. It really does. Best wishes.

I really like what Ladonna said earlier, and hadn't thought of this angle to what you are going through... that maybe it's time to stop shopping at your "usual haunts" so they don't just bring you down. Reset your norm.

I know it's hard, but as others have said, lets get that back of yours sorted, then worry about the fashion side of you life.

Thanks for opening up and sharing this... great thread.

Sorry you are having a rough patch, but you aren't alone! I hope things look up for you soon.